Among Friends

[Ainhisg]

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@Thats Me wrote:

Boy do I understand and empathize. I do go to visit my beloved parents at the cemetery. It took time for me to want to do this; not that I felt I should and was waiting to be ready, but just got to a place where it was something I wanted to do. So now, when I go to see them, it's peaceful and I talk to them, and also pray. It gives me a good feeling and I leave just with a sense of remembrance and thankfulness. And nostalgia for earlier times with them.

I live about an hour or so away from the cemetery, so it is not an overly long drive.

I want to say that it took me some years to get to this place, but I'm sure everyone is different and it would depend on the relationship in life.

I hope you find peace whether it means going to the cemetery or finding it in some other way. 

I am sorry for your loss. Big hug to you!

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@Thats Me I could have written your post!  The exact same situation, same distance away, etc.  I made myself go at first (20 years ago!), and it was hard...so very hard...with lots of tears, but I felt I owed my parents the respect of decorating their graves.  I wanted other people to know how very much I thought of them. It was always very important to my mom to decorate her parents' and my dad's parents' graves growing up, so that was instilled in me.  My sister and I went with her too many times to count!

Like you, it's what I want to do now.  The cemetery where they are is out in the country, well tended, and so very peaceful with cattle grazing near by.  I feel just like you do when I leave.  My mom was always big on taking live plants/flowers...she personally disliked silk flowers...so to honor her preference, I always take a potted live plant and water it really well, although I know it won't live but a week if I'm lucky.

My husband would go with me if I asked, and while I dislike the hour drive on a very busy interstate and would enjoy the company, I like being at the cemetery by myself where I can take as much time as I need.  I say goodbye to them when I leave (even though I know they're not there), and it brings me peace to know that I have done what my mom would have wanted.

[Somertime]

As a child with my father, very often.  He would take care of the graves, plant flowers, water and even add grass seed.  I assume he received comfort from this. me, I was young enough to think this was like a trip to the country.  As I became an adult and lost members of my immediate family especially my parents, I could o longer visit because I received no comfort from the visit.  It was reliving the loss all over again.

[sugarbee]

My mother passed 23 years ago and is buried in an inside mauseleum.  My husband died three years ago and is a space from my Mom.  I will be placed between them.  I change flowers every season for both of them.  It is comforting to me to be there.

[haddon9]

My DH is still with us and I haven't reached that point.  I'm not sure what I would do but I understand how it would feel empty going to see the grave.

Both of my parents are in a cemetery down in south Florida (I am in PA) and my grandparents are all in cemeteries in Brooklyn, NY.

So I don't visit.  Mom passed a few years ago so if I go to South FL. at some point, I would probably go if I could.

[haddon9]

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@on the bay wrote:

@sarahpanda,

I feel that is not where they are though I know it gives some great comfort.

For me I feel their spirit, their life can be with me though just in another realm.

This poem was actually written by Claire Harner, and is also attirbuted to a Native American prayer.

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Great poem but still makes me cry just reading it!

[gidgetgh]

My parents are buried in another state, 1,000 miles away. I haven't visited their graves since 2017.  I feel very sad having them so far away but I try not to think about it.

My husband is buried locally. I haven't visited his grave since March of last year, on his birthday. I have pictures of him throughout my house and routinely speak to him. When I go to his grave, I literally stay 2 minutes and then I leave. It makes me feel too sad to be there. I'm sure I will go near Christmas, but it just brings out too much sadness and grief in me. And I feel like I have nothing to say at the grave. Hi, I'm here. I miss you and then I leave.  I do that at home.  I really don't like going to his grave.

[We rescue cats]

I do not visit the graves, though for many years DH and I did flowers every Memorial Day. When his mom passed we made sure we did hers each year, but I have never put flowers on my mom's grave. I have her photo on my bedroom dresser and I touch each nearly every day, say good morning and good night. I talk to her several times a day. . . as I do all my close family members who are no longer living. I guess I am odd that way. . .

[raspberrygal]

My father died when I was a year and a half and my mother took my sister and I often to his grave.  To me it was like finding a part of our family.  At that time the cemetery would decorate at your expense the grave so it always looked nice.

I go now with my husband at least once a year to visit the graves of my mother, sister, grandmother, aunt and uncle as well as my father.  We have even purchased gravesites near him when the time comes for us to go.

I go there at least once a year with my husband to tidy up but also to pray out loud over their graves, so if you are a praying person you can do this for your relatives by praying for them.  You will find it rewarding..

[QVCkitty1]

I can't. 

[charsha]

I do visit my parents as it is local, but mainly for birthdays and the anniversary of their passing. I bring flowers almost every time, and a decorated wreath over the Christmas holiday.