Do you know anyone in this position? - Page 6

Still Raining · ‎03-30-2014

And now a note from the other side....

Those who need assistance are VERY aware we a burden. I saw my DD age about 5 years when I was out of it and she had to make really hard choices. Yes all the legal is in order.

Now I sometimes skip medical things and deny I need groceries.

From her side it seems odd. Not from mine.

ninjawife · ‎11-15-2011

Anonymous032819

My grandmother had 5 brothers and sisters, 3 children and a multitude of nieces and nephews but I was the only one who ever visited my grandmother in the nursing home. Even though I was only in my early twenties, my mother had me make all her medical decisions.

With my parents I was somewhat supported by my husband and aunt (my mother's sister) but the most help I got was from my father's friends- God Bless them.

Suziepeach · ‎03-10-2010

@Still Raining wrote:
And now a note from the other side....

Those who need assistance are VERY aware we a burden. I saw my DD age about 5 years when I was out of it and she had to make really hard choices. Yes all the legal is in order.

Now I sometimes skip medical things and deny I need groceries.

From her side it seems odd. Not from mine.

@Still Raining I respectfully disagree with saying those who need assistance are VERY aware we are a burden. My MIL certainly didn't feel that way, she was very happy, grateful and at ease of everything we did for her and continued to until her last breath. There were days it was like talking to another person but she'd eventually get it, in her own out there kind of way.

Please don't ever feel you or anyone is a burden that has to have assistance. and please don't skip medical things and saying you don't need groceries- I can see what you're saying but on the other hand I see it from someone who assisted my MIL..

Situations are so different and with alzheimers it could be hit and miss. We'd just do for her without her knowing, even though my husband was on her checking account, with the banks suggestion and help, they had to turn her money around so she couldn't touch it.. I read up on alzheimers and boy are they funny about money and the checkbook. She'd ask me from time to time, "Suzie, are my bills paid?" Yes Mom all taken care of.. you sure... I'd laugh and say "How old are you today?" She'd pick a number, 4.. LOL she liked that.

Let your assistance help ya please.. you aren't a burden, it's done because they want to.. Hugs to you !

Go VOLS
Rocky Top you'll always be home sweet home to me.. Good ole Rocky Top, Rocky Top Tennessee... Rocky Top Tennessee

haddon9 · ‎03-09-2010

@Lipstickdiva wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

If you have children with the idea YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame.
@SeaMaiden It isn't about the money. Whether or not you have money your kids will be responsible for you. It's the way it works. Someone has to control the funds, hire the caretakers, make medical appointments, and get them there and back, see after hospital care and make medical decisions.

You can't adopt parents out, divorce them, or otherwise. They are yours to take care of no matter what your own circumstances are, how mentally fit you are, or how much you need care on your own.

It is the WAY it is.
Only if you CHOSE it to be the WAY it is.
If you do, then do not complain about how hard it is and how you are suffering and giving up your life,
If you chose to walk away from your parents in their time of need, you are a lousy child. If you have kids who have chosen to walk away from you, you probably deserve it for what you did with your own family. Kids learn by example.

I cannot imagine walking away from my mom when she was in the hospital dying with cancer, unable to swallow her own saliva, and telling the doctor or nurses to just handle things.

@Lipstickdiva You must have had a warm loving relationship either all or most of your life with your mom. Not everyone is so lucky.

SXMGirl · ‎07-07-2010

@chrystaltree Your friend has quite a burden on her shoulders and I can only hope that she can find help. I don't know about your area, but where I live, many churches have adult daycare that would be a big help to her. She should look into that and also check with the office of aging, along with the senior centers.

Even though they might resist going to a center for the day, she should insist and try to take back as much of her own life as possible. She is now the real adult and they are the children.

The next time that I hear salt and ice together, it better be in a margarita!

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

I think many caring people find themselves caregivers of elderly or ill people at times in their lives that they never imagined. It is called life. And it happens.

I think today, so many people just hire outside help, put their relatives into homes, rather than give up 'the good life', and I applaud your friend for doing what she can, as I'm assuming these two women were once the givers and doers too.

It really doesn't do any good to whine about the circumstances, they are what they are. If I had a friend in that position, I'd see what I could do to help her, if not with them, then just to do for her, the care giver.

This is how it was generations ago, the 'younger' generations taking care of, doing for the older. I remember my parents being in their early 40's and doing so many things for elderly relatives, while raising their own family and my father dying himself. It's just what families are supposed to do. It often can effect your job, it can be hard on your finances and health, and definitely your mental state. I wish when I was a kid, and my mom was going through similar care giving on several levels, some of the rest of the adults in the extended family and people that professed to be friends had given her a hand, a break now and then. It's sometimes the only thing we can do to help the caregiver.

suzyQ3 · ‎03-09-2010

@haddon9 wrote:
@Lipstickdiva wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

If you have children with the idea YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame.
@SeaMaiden It isn't about the money. Whether or not you have money your kids will be responsible for you. It's the way it works. Someone has to control the funds, hire the caretakers, make medical appointments, and get them there and back, see after hospital care and make medical decisions.

You can't adopt parents out, divorce them, or otherwise. They are yours to take care of no matter what your own circumstances are, how mentally fit you are, or how much you need care on your own.

It is the WAY it is.
Only if you CHOSE it to be the WAY it is.
If you do, then do not complain about how hard it is and how you are suffering and giving up your life,
If you chose to walk away from your parents in their time of need, you are a lousy child. If you have kids who have chosen to walk away from you, you probably deserve it for what you did with your own family. Kids learn by example.

I cannot imagine walking away from my mom when she was in the hospital dying with cancer, unable to swallow her own saliva, and telling the doctor or nurses to just handle things.
@Lipstickdiva You must have had a warm loving relationship either all or most of your life with your mom. Not everyone is so lucky.

@haddon9, I was just about to post the issue you bring up. It's difficult enough to be a caretaker of a loved one, but what if that person was not someone with whom you had a loving relationship?

This arose for me only to a limited extent because my mother didn't need help until just a few weeks before her death. My husband and I had no choice but to step up to the bat

But I recall vividly how I fell apart once when talking to the hospice woman in charge (she briefly had hospice at home but didn't like it). One thing that this woman told me that helped immensely was that she understood and thought I was doing my best regardless of the non-relationship.

I cannot even imagine what it would have been like had she had a long period in which she could not have taken care of herself.

We hired home nurses (that's a thread in and of itself) after that and did participate with her care.

To this day, my feelings about my mother have not changed a bit; but I do feel satisfied that I did what I could do when no one else wanted to or was able.

~Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Catiele · ‎08-20-2012

I did it for both my parents. When my father couldn't drive any longer the problems began. They lived about a half hour away. Oh my mother never drove. I took them for doctor visits, grocery shopping and did the heavy cleaning. I have one brother and of course he had to work. Eventually they sold the house and moved closer to us. My father was a diabetic and he failed first. He was in and out of hospitals. One of them we couldn't find and I became so upset. We finally found it and when I saw him he didn't know me. I stood in the hall and cried. He passed first at 95 years old. My mother's health was quite good. She lived in housing for the elderly. Eventually she was in a nursing home. She actually liked it. They played cards and bingo and had entertainment. She had her hair and nails done. Met a patient who had been a doctor. They became friends. The nursing home was family run and the nicest I have ever seen. My mother passed when she was 99 years old. All this while I was raising three children. When it was the hardest I would cry all the way home. My parents married later in life and both enjoyed their single lives. My husband and I married young. They thought I was way to young. Thankfully my husband was and is always there for me. Did I have good parents? Yes. We were blessed.

haddon9 · ‎03-09-2010

@suzyQ3 wrote:
@haddon9 wrote:
@Lipstickdiva wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

If you have children with the idea YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame.
@SeaMaiden It isn't about the money. Whether or not you have money your kids will be responsible for you. It's the way it works. Someone has to control the funds, hire the caretakers, make medical appointments, and get them there and back, see after hospital care and make medical decisions.

You can't adopt parents out, divorce them, or otherwise. They are yours to take care of no matter what your own circumstances are, how mentally fit you are, or how much you need care on your own.

It is the WAY it is.
Only if you CHOSE it to be the WAY it is.
If you do, then do not complain about how hard it is and how you are suffering and giving up your life,
If you chose to walk away from your parents in their time of need, you are a lousy child. If you have kids who have chosen to walk away from you, you probably deserve it for what you did with your own family. Kids learn by example.

I cannot imagine walking away from my mom when she was in the hospital dying with cancer, unable to swallow her own saliva, and telling the doctor or nurses to just handle things.
@Lipstickdiva You must have had a warm loving relationship either all or most of your life with your mom. Not everyone is so lucky.
@haddon9, I was just about to post the issue you bring up. It's difficult enough to be a caretaker of a loved one, but what if that person was not someone with whom you had a loving relationship.

This arose for me only to a limited extend because my mother didn't need help until just a few weeks before her death. My husband and I had no choice but to step up to the bat

But I recall vividly how I fell apart once when talking to the hospice woman in charge (she briefly had hospice at home but didn't like it). One thing that this woman told me that helped immensely was that she understood and thought I was doing my best regardless of the non-relationship.

I cannot even imagine what it would have been like had she had a long period in which she could not have taken care of herself.

We hired home nurses (that's a thread in and of itself) after that and did participate with her care.

To this day, my feelings about my mother have not changed a bit; but I do feel satisfied that I did what I could do when no one else wanted to or was able.

@suzyQ3 I understand. I also never had a warm and close relationship with my mom and it makes me sad.

She's still alive and lives in an over 55 community. At 93 she needs help and has aides full time 7 days a week...they do what I simply don't have in me to do for her. I'm grateful that I don't have to be a caretaker but I have enough going on with my DH who has a lot of his own health issues. I can't even imagine what it's like to have the sort of warm and loving relationship with one's mother that many have where they would do anything for them or to see them one more time.

The thing that both parents did for my brother and I was to be sure they were covered in their old age and had the funds for professional help. My dad passed over twenty years ago and mom really should be in assisted living but is happy where she is. Most residents there are now boomers though you'll see an occasional 80 or 90 year old.

While I never had the relationship that I would have liked to have had, I've made peace with myself over it. I also don't want her to suffer or be too unhappy but her last close friend passed away two weeks ago...now she has only her aides there....everyone else has either passed or moved to assisted living. She can still think very clearly and doesn't have an issue with dementia but is frail and has fallen a few times.

The good daughter in me has tried to convince her to move to assisted living up near me (I'm in PA & she's in south Fl.), however I still like having the thousand mile buffer zone.

qbetzforreal · ‎08-28-2010

@SeaMaiden wrote:
My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

If you have children with the idea YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame.

@SeaMaidenDo you have children or were you made to care for an elderly parent?