Among Friends

[Apple Head]

A dear friend of mine passed away in October.   

At his funeral, I met one of his other friends, and we shared our memories of him and stayed in touch.

She's about 20 years older than me.   We bonded because we recently both lost members of our own family and then the loss of our mutual friend.   Many times, grief unites people.

However, the more we talk the more I'm finding out about her.   She's racist.  She has said some things that just irritate me.    Now, she wants to get together for lunch, which is fine, but it's uncomfortable for me knowing her views.    I can't believe she just airs them outright, with no worry about how someone might take it or if it's offensive.

I never know what to say back.  I just don't say anything.    

She lost her son a few years ago and I feel for her loss.   But, it's hard to carry on a friendship and spend time with her.    I'm not sure I'm comfortable callng her out on her comments.

Has anyone evef experienced this and if so, how did you handle it?

I have met some lovely people at my grief groups and we are all so alike in so many ways.     I know friends can come in all shapes and sizes and views, but racism is a bit too much for me.

Thanks for any thoughts.

[Bridgegal]

If I may be honest, it sounds like she is more of a new acquaintance than a friend.  I don't need people in my life who are racist or nasty or debbie downers or many other things.  I would be unavailable and begin to distance myself from her.  

[QVCkitty1]

I myself cannot abide intolerant people, so I could never be friends with a racist. Only you

know what you can tolerate, and what your deal breakers are.

[Annabellethecat66]

Yes, I know someone who is racist. She's very outspoken about it.  After all of this time, I'm still shocked at this stupid thinking.

However, another friend told me something a long time ago that I remind myself of.  She is a devoted Christian, but doesn't wear it on her sleeve.  She said that she thinks most things happen for a reason (I totally do also).

This friend (we'll call her Mary) said that she thinks my friend (let's call her Susie) and I became friends so I could help her better understand that (as my Daddy used to say, we're all the same color under our skin).

I don't preach to her and belittle her about the way she thinks.  I often interject things into the discussion so she won't go too far with me (I hate that N word more than anything from any race).  That I won't put up with.  I also acknowledge to her that there is racism in all races (I believe there is).  I have a dear friend who is African American and she was devastated when her daughter married a white guy.

Am I going to change her opinion?  Probably not, but I can see the light as far as her SOMETIMES admitting that there is some injustice and some of what is said about inequality is justified (although I am of the belief many cry racism when it isn't there).  She knows my story.  When I was around 11 or 12 my neighborhood became totally black.  I was the only white kid.  I was chased, beaten up, called names I prefer not to think about.  Like I said, "racism comes in all colors".

I hope you stay acquainted with this person.  Don't allow her to embarrass you by being rude or loud.  Never agree with her but show her another way of looking at things.  You don't have to be best friends, just don't run her out of your life.  You have a chance to help someone see another side.  Many people aren't given that opportunity.  It will be difficult at times and try real hard not to totally dislike her.  Think of yourself as expanding her horizons and enriching her life and making her a better person.

These are just my ideas.  This is what I've found.  There are a lot of people who have had negative encounters with another race, it doesn't always mean they are total racists, just need to be reminded not everyone is the same.  Dollars to donuts most in her family are like that.  I think it has to be taught.  Don't expect to re-teach this person.  Just try to make her see another side of the cube/life.  

Phew!  Now my head hurts.  I'll go sit down and shut up!

[onlyshopsonline]

We meet lots of people in our lives.  And, sometimes we form bonds... both temporary and long term.  We don't necessarily become best friends with everyone we meet.

It sounds like you are uncomfortable with this woman, so I would say she is one of those people who are briefly passing through your life.

I would just distance myself and not do anything to encourage a close friendship.  You haven't known her for very long.  So hopefully you both will peacefully just go on your way.

[Apple Head]

Thanks everyone for such good thoughts.   I'm touched by your honesty and insights.

I think our world has become so much more racially insensitive.   I think some of it comes from the social media and all the people hiding behind their identities and can spew hateful ideas without being known.

I appreciate all your experiences and how you've each handled them.   None of you are wrong.    I think it is all about our comfort level and life experiences.   

We all come from different backgrounds and situations.  I'm so blessed that my parents instilled in me tolerance and understanding.    

What a world it would be if we all took each others differences and found inspiration in the knowledge that we learn from each other because of those differences.   Being alike would be boring.   

[MyGirlsMom]

You are in an uncomfortable spot and it's not easy, I know.  We've all come across people we 'click with' and then find out there's something wrong.

You may not want to confront her but you can avoid her when you can, not going out, etc. When the time arises, explain to her that her views make you uncomfortable and you don't share her beliefs.

[ellaphant]

"There are a lot of people who have had negative encounters with another race, it doesn't always mean they are total racists, just need to be reminded not everyone is the same.  " 

Huh?? Oh and you also said she was  'Christian'...

No, that's not 'Christian'.

[Deb1010again]

For me it would be a dealbreaker.  It's totally unacceptable IMO.   The first time someone said something intolerant in my presence I'd leave skid marks I'd be out of there so fast.  I can't think of anything more hurtful than intolerance like that.  It's just how I feel.