Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,564
Registered: ‎03-19-2014

You absolutely did the right thing.  I would have thrown it right back in her face and told her if "she" was a good friend, she wouldn't ask me to get involved like that.


If all the friends are still upset and snubbing you, I would count that as a blessing and move on to other or new friendships.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, but Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
- Author Unknown
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,647
Registered: ‎09-12-2010

Why should you risk your friendship with your male friend by trying to get information from him about his romantic breakup? He could very well resent your involvement. I agree with you - it's between them, and she was out of line to ask you to get involved. As for those other so-called "friends"....they're out of line as well.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 61,476
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Calcgirl  Let them snub you. They're in the wrong. The bottom line is it doesn't matter whether the man met someone new or not, he broke up with her. Whatever his reason he doesn't want to continue their relationship. I guess we all define closure differently but I can't see what good it would do her to know she'd been replaced. Hoping you have other, more reasonable, friends than these somewhat older high school girls... Smiley Wink

In my pantry with my cupcakes...
Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,454
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

I hope she gets to keep the bike!

QVC Shopper - 1993

Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,878
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Your friend is being unreasonable because she's in pain, the others are troublemakers.  They are happy about the break up and making trouble between you and her.  You're right. Stay out of it.  Let one of the troublemakers play spy for her.  If he's still working as a pilot, he must be younger than she is which might explain why she's obsessed with finding out if there is another woman.

Super Contributor
Posts: 254
Registered: ‎07-12-2020

This woman friend showed you who she really is. She's got a personality and character issue to scream at you and demand you manipulate the man friend of yours. The other women who are ostracizing you are also people with real personality issues that make for bad friends. These women are not your friends. I think the man has seen this woman get angry and manipulative like she did to you. This is her normal self. It might sound harsh, but you dodged a bullet in finding out this woman's true personality. The type of friend where we say with friends like this, who needs enemies. I am sorry. Next time, observe and learn who,people are before you call them friend. Acquaintances are one thing, friends are another. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,887
Registered: ‎11-24-2013

@chrystaltree  The OP posted that her "friend" is 67 and the ex is 61, not a huge age difference.


What amazes me is that so many of those women "assume" that he cheated or has another GF while involved with the OP's "friend".


Women can be so snotty about this kind of thing.


He ASKED her to relocate. She said "no."  I can't stand it when women try to stir up trouble with assumptions that have no basis. Truly disgusting.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,458
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Closure my tush. The woman was dumped and he likely met someone younger. I assume he knew she wouldn't relocate without a ring and a date. He may be a cad but she already knows that. There was quite a bit of taking-it-out-on-a-friend instead of the man who deserved the wrath. I once did something similar for a friend. It was 40 years ago but I still regret it. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,425
Registered: ‎03-03-2011

@Houstonoilers wrote:

From Mya Angelou:  When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.



I would consider these friendship (and the other women as well) as dissolved.  Don't let them keep showing you over and over who they really are.



These are individuals who lack strength of character.  It may not seem like, but you actually are better off without them.




This is so true. You don't need these kind of least I don't. You were right to NOT get involved and a real friend wouldn't expect you to. Time for some new friends.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,979
Registered: ‎08-23-2010

@Calcgirl wrote:

A friend of mime who is in her late 60's came over hysterical because her boyfriend just broke up with her. They had been dating for a few years, but the problem is he is a pilot and was transferred to another state, so the last year their relationship has been long distamce.  She suspects he met someone else and wanted me to call him to see if he would tell me. Her boyfriend happens to be a very good friend as well.  I said absolutely no, I was not getting in the middle  of this. Well, she started screaming at me and told me if I was a a good friend I would do it. I tried to calm her down, but she stormed out and said she never wanted to talk to me again.  A couple of our mutual friends called me and told me I was wrong not to help her get closure buy finding out the real reason for the break up and if there was another woman involved.  Again, I said absolutely not.  Well, today at a luncheon the three of them snubbed me.  I am hurt and angry.  I guess my frienship isn't a value to them.




Oh good grief .....    first, I just want to say that for approximately 10 years I used to facilitate divorce support groups.   I've heard all the stories, and then some, so I'll share a couple points which may or may not be helpful.


Please tell your friends that she can get closure by accepting one thing .... he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore.   It's over.  She should take time to grieve, and then pick herself up and move on.


Mr Pilot may have met another woman, or another man, or a former flame or .....  whatever.  The reasons really don't matter, and it's probably better she not learn all the gory details.  What if she learned he had been seeing another person for more than a year?   What if it was HER behavior that made him want out?  Knowing more will NOT make this any easier.  Honestly, the reasons don't matter.


One more personal observation .... it's very common for a person ending the relationship to lie about the reasons, or to give only a partial explanation.  It's bad enought to deliver the news, but to also admit they have been seeing someone else makes the breakup even worse, and makes everyone feel worse.  I'm not letting him off the hook here, but even under the best of circumstances, breakups are often messy.


Pilot may later admit there was someone else, but so what?  It really doesn't change anything.


Years ago I had a friend dating a slightly younger man.  She lived in fear that he would leave her someday for a younger woman.  Well, guess what.  After about 5 years together he left her ...  for an older woman!