Among Friends

[LUVNLIFE]

Myself, I would wait. Most babies with a third chromosome 18, don't make it to birth or pass away shortly after.

It is probably a stressful situation and emotions run high. I would do something to treat or pamper her. Maybe a Thinking of You card with a gift card to a lunch place close by.

[KingstonsMom]

@house_cat

Personally, I would give it to her, it shows that you cared enough about this little girl to make one for her too.

To not give it to her, almost seems to me like not acknowledging this baby because she's ill.

Even if she's terminal, your friend will appreciate the kind gesture and the baby can enjoy it for however long she's here on earth.

God bless this little girl and her family.

And God bless YOU for being such a caring, thoughtful friend!

[kaydee50]

One of the reasons I would not give/go to a baby shower.  When my BFF was pregnant I was going to offer to have a baby shower for her.  Fortunately, I decided not to.  Her daughter was stillborn.  Since then I wait until the child is here and there is a christening or some sort of celebration before gifting.  Recently, a relative had a child with a serious medical problem.  Again, I waited for a birth announcement and then sent a gift.

[Carmie]

I am so sorry and sad to hear this news.  I read some information on this disorder and it doesn’t sound good.

This is a difficult decision for you to make. 

i think I would go ahead and give her the blanket now.  Since this is the second child, she will not have a room full of new clothing from friends and baby showers.

Every new life should be acknowledged, no matter how short it is.  Even if the baby doesn’t survive, the parents will either have a beautiful keepsake reminder of their precious one, or a beautiful blanket to bury her with.

This is going to be a difficult time no matter what the outcome is. 

[Laura14]

I vote to give it. 

A daughter is a daughter even if you are not afforded the opportunity to raise her for long or even at all.  I think a lot of people are going to not know what to do and accidentally end up ignoring the child and/or the situation all together. 

Even if the worst happens, the baby existed and deserves her gift.   And the mother would probably more than appreciate your thought and effort at this time no matter what her future holds.  

[pigletsmom]

I'm not really sure on what the timing should be but I do think you should eventually give it to her. If the baby doesn't make it I'm sure a number of people will ignore it or give condolences and move on.

I think it would be touching that you cared enough to make it and that this baby was just as important as the first.

If you give it now I'd send a note with your feelings. I wouldn't just give the way you normally would. Include your thoughts on what's happening and explain that since you made it especially for her you still want her to have it.

I think the fact that it's a homemade gift gives it a lot of meaning under these circumstances.

[newagain888888]

@Mominohio, Your response was so beautifully expressed as well as being excellent advice. To acknowledge her unborn daughter now with the same joy and love that would be offered to any child is the right thing to do. It will mean the world to the mother. I just recently finished reading a book by Sheryl Sandburg (and a grief counselor) on loss, grief, and resilience. What stays with me is that being treated normally matters so much to a grieving person. Most friends and family are afraid to focus on the joyful side of this child’s life for fear of causing pain to the mom. We tend to believe that bringing up or focusing on what is already known and keenly felt by the grieving person will cause even more pain. It actually does the opposite. Celebrating and acknowledging the life of her precious baby is the greatest gift the mother could receive. Your instincts were spot on!

[ScarletDove]

Based on researching Trisomy 18, there are degrees of severity to this disorder and some babies do not make it to delivery.  You know your co-worker better than us--for me, I would wait to see if this little fellow makes it to delivery.  If this little fellow is born, then the blanket and your thoughts will be needed.....  For now, I would support her as best possible.....

Many years ago I had a co-worker who was expecting a baby girl and her other child was a boy about 14 yrs old, so she was very excited.  I knitted a pink sweater, cap and footed pants to give her in the hospital since there was no shower.  During delivery, her precious baby girl did not make it and died.  I was very glad I did not give her the sweater set.... I never could give it away to anyone. I kept it and put it on my future baby daughter to honor my friend.....

[house_cat]

The mother's words to me were, "We feel blessed to be bringing this baby into the world, no matter how brief a time we have to share it with her".  For this reason, I was feeling that she should be acknowledged in a loving way.  The little girl has a name and the mother uses it regulary, so in some sense, I feel as though she's already here.  I understand that although she is quite close to her due date, she is in danger of premature delivery. If I'm going to give it to her, I don't want to delay.

[newagain888888]

@IMW, your

Heartbreaking situation. Many times people who lose babies very very early feel their grief is not acknowledged and that makes it worse. 

I would give her the blanket with a loving note.

This way at least she’d know how very much you thought of her and the baby. I’d also put a little gift for the first child.

Really is impossible to know what to do.........

---

@IMW, this is so true! To the mother who loses a child early on, her grief is every bit as real as a mother whose child lived longer. Your suggestion to give her the blanket now along with a loving note really resonated. It acknowledges her child’s precious life and shows genuine caring. What a gift both would be to the mother at a most appropriate time. Since most friends and family can be uncomfortable talking about painful situations with someone grieving, I would add that she could offer (in the note) to be available to talk at any time the mom might want or need a listening ear.