Among Friends

[Etoile308]

@Mom2Dogs, so sorry for your loss. It's a shame when times like this become complicated. I think you know in your heart what you want to do. Follow your instincts.

There are no wrong answers. And I agree with others. Allow yourself some grace and grieve at your own pace.

[Hoovermom]

@Mom2Dogs :  bless your heart.......I mean that sincerely.  I feel your pain and wish I could offer something to help you in your decision.  I liked your way of thinking until I read @JeanLouiseFinch, which made me think another way.   Hopefully you can make the right decision for you and move on knowing you did your best. 

[ThinkingOutLoud]

Good rule of thumb to live by:

[Wsmom]

@Mom2Dogs , I don't know.  Only because I am in a similar situation but for different reasons I would maybe just do the card and assume it will be thrown away unopened.  If someone reaches out go from there.

That being said if sending money is what you want to do because it would make you feel better by all means do it.  

May I ask how you found out she passed?  I know in my case nobody in my sister's family would contact me.  If someone did that may be a sign of an olive branch.

[shoekitty]

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@Kachina624 wrote:

The death expenses are over and done with.  Cremation is very inexpensive.  No service so what would money be used for? It sounds like just a gift to survivors,  which you don't owe.

No, I would not send money.  A card is nice.

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@Kachina624   yes, cremation and services are done. Perhaps her sister left unpaid bills, like rent, mortagae and such, tht need to be paid. Sometimes when a family doesn't have money themselves to spare, they put burial expenses on credit and such. Just guessing. I have no inking of financial position. 

[Lucky Charm]

The family would probably welcome a check from you with open arms.  

If the funeral home was listed, I'd call to see if a donation could be made to them.  They may say the bill has been settled.

Feel better that you tried to help with their request....to pay funeral expenses, not to them, directly to funeral home

Do you want to re-open a relationship with your surviving sister?

Some people will bleed you dry.  I think you know that.

[AZfem]

I would not send anything to the husband & family particularly since he was estranged from you too.

Honor her memory on your own . . . say prayers or send healing thoughts, if Catholic, have a mass said for her soul or light candles in a church or whatever your faith does for departed souls. 

If your not religious, have a candle lighting good thoughts, looking at old pictures ceremony at your house by yourself.  

You could also donate to a cause or charity you know she would like but don't notify the family. 

We don't have to go the public route to honor someone. It can be between you & your sisters soul. She undoubtedly now knows the truth in the afterlife. 

[Venezia]

@Mom2Dogs - I haven't read through all the replies, but I know someone asked this:  if you've been estranged for at least 10 years, how did you find out about your sister's passing?

I will probably be in the minority in this, but I would say, given what you've told us, to leave the past in the past and go on with your life.

You obviously have a supportive husband - I would do what's best for you and him and your life together.  I certainly wouldn't be sending money to a family that cut me off over a decade ago and I don't think I'd send a card.  As someone else said, it would probably just be tossed away (especially if it didn't contain any money).

However, this is your decision.  Give yourself time to think it over and do what you feel is best.

[ThinkingOutLoud]

The world needs more generosity, kindness, turning the other cheek, offering the benefit of the doubt, letting people grow and change, applying the Golden Rule...

[CalminHeart]

My advice. Send a reasonable but small contribution. You'll feel better in the end.