Among Friends

[ThinkingOutLoud]

Yes, send a donation AND whatever else to those in grief (ie flowers). It is never wrong to be the bigger person. For all you know, your sister/s deeply regret what happened but just didn't know how to fix it. This can be a bridge to rectify the situation once and for all.

[DREAMON]

Of course you should do what your heart tells you to do.

I feel if your sister wanted no contact with you...that says it all. I wouldn't contact people who wanted nothing to do with me...assuming the family felt as your sister did.

Best of Luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

[Luvitorleaveit1]

@Mom2Dogs - my condolences.  Losing a sibling can be harder than losing a parent regardless of closeness or lack thereof.  If it brings some closure your monetary donation may help especially since it was mentioned in her obituary.

Family dynamics is an unfortunate part of life.

[ThinkingOutLoud]

I will add - family relationships do not end with death and being a forgiving person is huge for all involved. Easter is a month from now - lots of lessons from that final week...

[CANDLEQUEEN]

@Mom2Dogs First off I am sorry for the loss of your sister. Whatever else happened she was your sister and at one time you were close.

Did she have children? If so I would send them something if you want to with a card, if she didn't and the money goes to your other sister and husband, I would still send it as well if you want to with a card. 

I think you have to go with your gut and heart on this one. Please let us know what you end up deciding-no judgement!!!  

[rms1954]

I think you should know what's in your heart and what you should do; you don't need anyone's opinion.  

[jlkz]

@Mom2Dogs 

My sisters are alive so the situation isn't quite the same.  The younger sister hasn't spoken to her twin for almost 30 years and to me almost as long.She  and her ill husband requested we not attend his services.  When I called her to express condolences, I was told to leave her family alone.

I have complied and will continue to do so.  I pray for her entire family period.  She inherited the meanness of our paternal grandmother and gives that legacy to her children and their children.  A Mass card will be sent period and signed in DH's last name.

The other sister when realizing she was ill and edging towards dementia, reestablished communication with me despite accusing me of something I did not do in settling the father's estate and despite hours on my and DH's part explaining how her accusation was not true.

There is no accounting for the many stories of despicable behaviors I have heard over time.  Yours and mine fit the mold.

You have been there when they had their greatest need.  Their lack of appreciation and respect speak volumes.  Your contribution acknowledgement may be totally ignored or responded to with a pre-printed Thank You card signed by a distant family member appointed to the task or just u signed.

The question:  Will this treatment cause you more pain ?  If so, why bother.

Another question: Do you have a deep-seated need to reach out to them, possibly re-establishing a connection of sorts ?  Again, if rejected, will this cause more pain ?

Suggestion:  discuss these questions and your answer with DH ( he will live with your pain and thus be impacted ) and / or someone who's non-family and whose counsel you normally respect.

Final point: You alone can determine your choice.  Best wishes for your peace of mind, heart and soul.

[RedTop]

I would call the funeral home to ask about sending a donation towards cremation expenses, or donate to a charity in her memory.  I personally would not send money to the husband.  

[Sooner]

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@RedTop wrote:

I would call the funeral home to ask about sending a donation towards cremation expenses, or donate to a charity in her memory.  I personally would not send money to the husband.  

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@RedTop Excellent advice. The main question being would you want to revisit any aspect of a buried relationship, would you want to start it up again, renew any contact, or relive it.  This way, it skirts all those issues.  

Do what you need to do considering what possible results from reopening the communications might entail.  

[manny2]

Given the history you described, I wouldn’t send money. They cut off contact, set a firm boundary, and you’ve already done more than your share over the years. You can honor your sister privately without reopening old wounds or stepping back into a dynamic that hurt you. @Mom2Dogs