Wellness

[queendiva]

On 3/14/2015 Persephonel said:

On 3/14/2015 KarenQVC said:

OP--This is a very complicated situation. Does he have the insurance for therapy or rehab? If not, his first step might be to get a basic job and some insurance. Does DUI usually keep you from getting a school system job? Why did he lose his job? Real estate might be good profession, but how long will it take him to get off the ground? I'm just thinking he needs a simple job, health insurance, a small apartment and his independence to make his decisions about alcohol use. Then you can keep in touch with him for moral support.

he is a veteran so does have good health care, thank goodness . he has been through counseling, after the loss of his son. He went back to school to specialize in special education, but no one will hire him! He thinks it is because of his age. They want someone young rather than experienced .

Special Ed. teachers with experience are in demand in my area. Maybe there are other factors that are keeping him from finding work in that area. Have someone meet with him and honestly evaluate his resume and interviewing skills.

[LeaLeander]

A regular wine bottle holds five 5-ounce servings. In many cultures it would not be unusual for an adult to have two or four glasses of wine over the course of a meal or evening, every day. And two beers does not sound like a lot to me. I had three beers last night while I worked on a painting project and slept like a baby.

You are not qualified to say whether your brother's habits are merely heavy social drinking or alcoholism; it is quite possible to be a daily drinker and NOT be an alcoholic while others who seldom drink are alcoholics.

I suppose you are within your rights to ban drinking in your home but it seems like a petty and cruel thing to do -- to wield your power over someone who is already down, for no good reason other than that you can.

Instead of creating more anxiety in your brother by picking on his drinking, why not leave him alone or find some way to encourage him to make gains in other areas of his life. No one ever nagged someone into not drinking, whether or not he has an authentic substance abuse problem.

Do you have any issues of your own, such as over-spending, over-eating, etc. that you see as a weakness and might help you relate to/have compassion for your brother? it might be well to ponder that.

[Annabellethecat66]

I think he has a problem with you not drinking because he realizes he has a problem and is trying to justify his problem by having you join in. Then after awhile he'd have a drinking buddy and then if you drank HIS stuff, he'd get angry.

Ever heard of the phrase, "Misery loves company?"

If he's your guest, you set the rules. If you don't like what he does, tell him to get out. Stop being a door mat. You either tell him and if he does nothing about it, it means he doesn't care what you think. If he doesn't care what you think, why should you go out of your way for him? It's as simple as that.

Believe me, I've been there in a different way, but I've been there. I live alone and love it. Me and my 2 cats.

[HerRoyaLioness]

Persephonel - I started to read some of the replies you are getting - please don't listen to ignorant talk like Post #81.

She has no clue as to what it is like dealing with an alcoholic. You know your own circumstances and don't feel guilty when they try to blame things on you and feel sorry for your brother.

You can't reason with an alcoholic and they are clever at making excuses. Alcohol is his enemy. It makes him into someone he is not. I hope and pray you get your brother back.

[bonnielu]

You are being very kind by providing a place to live and recover. If you make a big issue out of drinking that is all he will remember. Your kindness will not be appreciated, he will dwell on the prohibition of drinking. I would let it alone for now unless the drinking becomes excess and upsets the safety of your space.

[MomCat]

The amount of alcohol you stated sounds like it was stated by your brother, instead of your observation. Alcoholics always say they drink a small amount, but just the fact he drinks every night pretty much makes him an alcoholic. You also knew this before you invited him to live with you. Your house, your rules. A lot of us help family members, but if you are the helper, you need to stay in control of the situation.

[ritasNo1Fan]

Perse.: contact your local Al-Anon. They can help you to cope with your brother or anyone you know who drinks. No problem and it takes just a minute.

[Scooby Doo]

First of all, it's a noble thing that you are trying to do. Unfortunately you are way over your head in this one and you will need professional help to get out of it. Nagging him about his drinking and setting house rules is useless. He's an adult and will do whatever he chooses. I would, however, work with him to see a mental health counselor available to him at the VA. The VA also helps homeless vets find a place to live.

I too had a brother that I tried to save. He started out drinking socially when he was younger. Then it was a few beers at night. Then it was vodka. His wife divorced him and he lost his house. His second wife divorced him because of his drinking. He couldn't get a job anywhere because of his reputation of drinking, although everyone was drawn to him as the life of the party. He tried roommates but that didn't last long. He ended up living in an old mobile home by himself.

I took him to doctors who told me there was nothing I could do. I would not accept that prognosis and kept trying. I finally got him to a hospital, and they got him into a nursing home for a couple of months. When he got out he couldn't stay away from his boozing friends and started drinking again. A year later I got him back into the hospital and then back into a nursing home. This was a guy on the brink of death so many times. After the second bout in the nursing home he just gave up. Started drinking again.

I then realized that the doctors were right, there was nothing I could do. Wore myself out and beat myself up because I could not save my brother. He had a heart attack or stroke from his drinking and died alone in his trailer. I found his body three days later.

Long story short - you know that there's a problem. Unfortunately you have the problem in your house and you don't know how to deal with it. There's no way he can get his life together, drink alcohol, and keep a clear head. Find a good counselor and support system.

BTW, if he drinks and drives again, or if he hurts someone while driving under the influence, I hope they throw the book at him.

[GCR18]

On 3/15/2015 EGW said:

House rules need to be settled before the guest arrives. If it wasn't discussed, I would let it ride for now and cut him some slack. You can settle it the right way next time if he decides to visit.

ITA.

[embgm]

Scooby Doo, I am sorry for your loss. His life was in his hands not yours. I agree with your response above and hope the OP takes your advice.