Community Chat

[stevieb]

@Mominohio, I'd let sleeping dogs lie until the time comes. I wouldn't put it on her to explain her choices. Rather, when the time comes, I'd honor her wishes with the caveat that I'd permit the others to advise you of an item or two (no more) that would mean something to them. I think by doing that, you're still respecting her wishes but also acknowledging that the others remain family and even at the best of times families don't always act or interact as they 'should'. Doing things this was isn't akin to selling off her belongings and then splitting the proceeds, which is what they might expect, but it does recognize both her wishes and their familial status. My guess is that this is going to be a no-win for you, but all you can do is approach it with some semblence of fairness and then let it go.

[MomCat]

Just went thru this a couple of years ago.  Hopefully, you have a will that eliminates her from any inheritance.  After your mom passes away,  you have to decide if you want a relationship with your sister.  That part was easy for me.  I didn't.  So, I had a copy of the will sent from our lawyer to my sister.  Then, I proceeded to honor my parents wishes.  Yes, I tried to get them to tell my sister ahead of time.  Yes, I tried to get my sister to make amends with them and be a bigger part of their lives.  None of this happened.  To this day, I am positive I did the right thing by them.  Not an ounce of guilt.  They knew I would have no relationship with my sister over this, but this is how deep these feelings go with some people.  I am truly my parent's daughter, and I'm not going to be ashamed.  I also have the support of many other relatives who knew the situation.  Bet you have that too.  Good luck with this.  This is one of those moments you step up to the plate and do what your gut tells you to do.       

[Mominohio]

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@Mrsq2022 wrote:

I haven't read responses and wanted to respond first. 

I'd ask myself, is my sister nonexistent because she is a top executive or high powered attorney that can't get back to Ohio as often as she'd like, while you live a mile away?  Or is she truly someone who doesn't care about maintaining the relationship with her mom?  I think you have an opinion on this.  If it's the former, I'd try to find something on my own that my sister would like and give it to her,  if it's the latter, she probably doesn't want any mementos, nor does she want to take the time to sort it and auction it.  Believe me, that process is worth your final paycheck whatever that might be.

As you are sorting things for auction, be sure to make copies of any nice photos of your childhood - maybe something of your sister and mom during happier times - and place them in a family frame for each grandkid.  That is a nice gift and even your mom couldn't argue with that.

I do want to interject that as some people get older (80s 90s in my experience) grudges seem to become very pronounced.  There can be an ugly bitter streak that surfaces in these years when you have little more than time to think and reminisce.  This is not said to sound harsh, but this has been my personal experience with almost all of my relatives.  When I read stories like this, I wonder if a little of that hasn't taken hold of your mom to change her will like this.  The elderly do not have a great deal of control in their lives other than wills, and I've seen them changed as vengeance more than once.  Ask yourself whether this is really your mother speaking right now, or some level of early dementia that has changed her...

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@Mrsq2022

You make excellent points. My sibling is well off and 'busy' with work, but lives in the same state. Isn't around because, in my opinion, my mom can be (has been) hard to get along with in certain aspects, and my sibling is also a 'different breed' when compared to most in our family. Just not as attached to our family, past, history, events, etc. Tends to not participate in/with aunts, grandparents etc, as well as me, not because of dislike but more of just a detatchment kind of thing. Tends to be 'cold' emotionally, when compared to some others of us (but not a horrible person or anything like that).

Different families function differently, but we only see my sibling a couple of times a year at most, and the spouse and kids much less than that. Mom and I don't consider that normal or good. We see and spend time with other family members much more often than that.

Her decision was made (and will was written) more than 20 years ago, and she has questioned it herself during times when sibling starts to come around, then decides to leave it alone when things drift apart again.

It really hasn't been a 'change' in anything, and she isn't one of those that rewrites her will every time the wind blows. It was one and done, when she was in her late 50's.

So yes, it really is my mother speaking, and not in a hateful way that many here seem to see it. While I admit it might be done as some kind of self defense mechanism (try to curb the hurt by not 'loving' someone more than they love you, in order to stave the hurt from that when it is your own child).

She has expressed it as I have been the one there for her always, sibling not. I have supported her financially, emotionally, and physically in any way she has needed, and she believes that any financial remains should reward me for that (not that there will be much or maybe any) and that she feels it has been expressed repeatedly that they aren't interested in her 'things' in the past, based on their actions.

[Mrsq2022]

@Mominohio hugs and thanks for the clarifications.  I think that this is going to be awkward but maybe not as much as you think.  If it is indeed all "stuff" and your sister hasn't valued the "stuff" she has already received, maybe it doesn't matter.  

She may come to you and want the one or two items that are truly of value after all is said and done, but as I mentioned before, you deserve some reward for dealing with everything.  So I wouldn't feel guilty saying no if that happens!

I still think that some nice, framed copies of photos for each grandkid is a good compromise between what your mom wants and what you can live with.  Also, might be really nice to ask your mom some stories now, type them out, and present them to the grandkids with the framed photos once she passes.  So that the grandkids will know a little about her if and when they start to care....

[Mominohio]

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@MacDUFF wrote:

@Mominohio

Emotional dilemma aside, isn't there a binding fiduciary duty attached to being executor/trix?

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I know the letter of the will will have to be followed legally. What comes to mind for me is that once the estate is settled and everything becomes mine, I have the LEGAL right to dispose of it as I wish (including giving any of it to sibling and grands or not), but while doing so would be legal, it would really not be in the SPIRIT of her wishes, and I struggle with what is really the right thing to do, in the long run, over time, after the settling of the estate.

Betray a trust, or be kind and share?

[Mominohio]

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@Mrsq2022 wrote:

@Mominohio hugs and thanks for the clarifications.  I think that this is going to be awkward but maybe not as much as you think.  If it is indeed all "stuff" and your sister hasn't valued the "stuff" she has already received, maybe it doesn't matter.  

She may come to you and want the one or two items that are truly of value after all is said and done, but as I mentioned before, you deserve some reward for dealing with everything.  So I wouldn't feel guilty saying no if that happens!

I still think that some nice, framed copies of photos for each grandkid is a good compromise between what your mom wants and what you can live with.  Also, might be really nice to ask your mom some stories now, type them out, and present them to the grandkids with the framed photos once she passes.  So that the grandkids will know a little about her if and when they start to care....

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@Mrsq2022

Good point about maybe it not being much of an issue when it actually happens. Kind of hard to forecast exactly how things like this will really play out. Sometimes we think we know what people's reactions and responses will be, and sometimes we don't.

[Mominohio]

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@stevieb wrote:

@Mominohio, I'd let sleeping dogs lie until the time comes. I wouldn't put it on her to explain her choices. Rather, when the time comes, I'd honor her wishes with the caveat that I'd permit the others to advise you of an item or two (no more) that would mean something to them. I think by doing that, you're still respecting her wishes but also acknowledging that the others remain family and even at the best of times families don't always act or interact as they 'should'. Doing things this was isn's akin to selling off her belongings and then splitting the proceeds, which is what they might expect, but it does recognize both her wishes and their familial status. My guess is that this is going to be a no-win for you, but all you can do is approach it with some semblence of fairness and then let it go.

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@stevieb

Usually pretty good advice, in many things that come in life!  Me thinks it might be here, as well.

[goldensrbest]

I have one more thing to add, i think your mom has been hurt many times by your sister, she has questioned herself ,when your sister and your moms relationship gets better, but then gets hurt again when your sister does not follow through, i can understand your mom.

[MacDUFF]

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@Mominohio wrote:

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@MacDUFF wrote:

@Mominohio

Emotional dilemma aside, isn't there a binding fiduciary duty attached to being executor/trix?

---

I know the letter of the will will have to be followed legally. What comes to mind for me is that once the estate is settled and everything becomes mine, I have the LEGAL right to dispose of it as I wish (including giving any of it to sibling and grands or not), but while doing so would be legal, it would really not be in the SPIRIT of her wishes, and I struggle with what is really the right thing to do, in the long run, over time, after the settling of the estate.

Betray a trust, or be kind and share?

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@Mominohio

For me, I would lean strongly toward fulfilling the spirit of mom's wishes...I wouldn't want to betray her trust.  I'm thinking that, altho it's a struggle, not betraying mom's trust would trump being kind and sharing.  I have a feeling that it won't matter much to your sibling.  I believe that you'll do what is right and good in the long run no matter which way you choose.  Life is full of struggles sigh.

[PeterDM]

@Mominohio  I'm in the same situation with my sister.  My aunt is a widow with no kids, and her only remaining family members are her brother (my father) and my sister who is married with 2 teenage boys.  My aunt can't stand my father, so he's not part of the equation.  I'm the executor of her Will, and although she has left small amounts of money for my sister and nephews, the bulk of her estate, which includes two houses and a lot of money, goes to me.  My sister doesn't have a clue about this, and I am dreading having to deal with this situation.  She is going to flip out when she realizes she is not sharing the estate with me equally.  While my sister's relationship with my aunt is not strained, they are not very close, and my aunt is very unhappy with many choices my sister has made in her life.

So, the question I ask myself is, if the roles were reversed, would she ignore the Will and divide the estate more evenly?  For me, the answer is definitely NO.  She would take everything and probably never speak to me again.  Now, I know that just because that would be her decision doesn't mean it should be mine.  We definitely have different values and have made different choices.  However, in weighing the factors involved in making the right decision, it is definitely something to add to the scale.