Beauty

[stillbelleandme]

hi guys!

i dont know if anyone remembers, but since i have been on here, my grandma has been challenged with leukemia, thyroid malfunction, and now a host of other things.

all of which didnt hit her until she was 99years old.

it seems to me after 99, you would just keel over from something else and not have to get several whole new diseases.

she never was sick hardly a day in her life, didnt take ANY medications until she was 99 years old, and now she is 104.

i know, i know thats old, we should be so lucky, etc, but it is still really hard.

we made the decision to go with hospice yesterday, and it seems so arbitrary, considering she is still wanting to live and wanting help.

she is down to about 86-90 lbs. depending on the day, and going back and forth from ok, to really bad just withiin minutes, and back again. yet, when i was making her a spinache omlette, last night she was joking to another caregiver, that she needed to fire the help (meaning me) because i was taking too long getting supper on the table. she was having a really good time pushing my same buttons she always enjoys pushing, and it put her in a real good mood. you would think i would be mature enough to take it in stride, but its the same poking business she has always done.

i guess my point is that i have such mixed feelings right now, i just dont know how to feel. my mom and i have been through exhaustion, guilt, fear, sadness, worry, and back again to guilt.

on the one hand im really defensive because: just because she is old, doesnt mean she doesnt deserve to live and deserve treatment. the dr.s have all written her off.

on the other hand i think she is kaput, pretty much and there isnt hardly any hope in this world, so why are we trying.

it all boils down to her continued desire for help and wanting to live. but there is only so much anyone can do.

and she is so thin; we gave her a shower yesterday and it is unbelieveable a human can beacome so thin.

i havent broken down yet, but i feel myself often in a stupor, with her death hanging over our heads like an iron anvil and im the coyote.

i know im just rambling , sorry, i knew it would come to this, and here we are. and it is going to be so sad moving higher up the grownup food chain. only one left is my mom, then im on top.

anyone have any thoughts or ideas how to get through this time???

thanks,

belleandme