Mom to Mom

[justashopper]

Hi @panda1234 

I would talk to him directly & I wouldn't blame your DIL.  

[mom2four0418]

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@panda1234 wrote:

My 31 year old son is a little aspergery. Before getting married and living at home the only hygiene issue was not doing a good job brushing teeth. He showered daily, hair brushed, etc. Now he always looks a mess, like he just rolled out of bed. He has applied for several jobs within his company and never got them. Well, yesterday we attended a funeral which he was a pallbearer. Again he looked like a mess and his teeth were not brushed.......I was mortified. How could his wife let him out like that? Should I let this go? I feel awkward saying something but I am sure people are talking.

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Leave them both alone.

[D Kay]

Sometimes a lack of personal hygiene can go along with emotional or mental disorders.   Has he been this way his whole life?  Has the problem become more severe and noticed by others?   If he is functioning fine and no one else care,  leave the subject alone.   if not, perhaps seek the advice of a physician.

[Jaspersmom]

I take a different approach.  If your son is Asperger's (now part of the autism spectrum), then you are fully aware of some of his challenges.  Most have to do with social norms, cues, interactions, etc.  What might be important to the average person may not be as important or foremost in his mind as with more typical people.  We have a loved one in our family who also is classified and deals with social problems from time to time.  If you have a close relationship with your son and he is accepting of your input, then YES, talk to him.  He sees the world from a different perspective and may need to be reminded that not everyone sees it from his.  You should let him know the reasons why it's important for good hygiene especially out in public.  Don't do this in a critical way if you can avoid that and especially if he is overly sensitive.  My family member is, but once she processes all of it (sometimes take awhile), then she does make an effort to change.  She has a loving and supportive family so that helps.  I know others will think talking to an adult married son is off limits, but I think you may be the only one who can speak to him in a way that will make sense to him.  

[kaydee50]

What does his wife say?  How is her hygiene?  He's an adult and married so IMO I don't think it's mom's place to say anything.  Although if he were my son I would probably tell him he looked like a mess and then let it go.

[skatting44]

If he were my child, I would speak with him privately and ask if he was depressed. Sometimes, the first sign of depression  can be a decline in personal hygeine .

 Is his wife  poor on her hygeine ?

[Sooner]

@panda1234 Of course I think you should talk to him about it--he's your son.  Nobody knows his history and his tendencies like you do.

Maybe along the way something you find out will help his wife as well.  It's an important issue--so I applaud you for worrying about his well being.  

[Iwantcoffee]

It is not for me to handle a lack of hygiene in an adult son who is married. My job as a mom was to train him when he was young  at home. When he is a married adult with a job that ship has sailed. I am not saying you did not teach him as children do not always follow what their parents teach.

[CalminHeart]

Nope. Don't say or do anything. It's not your business anymore. 

[panda1234]

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@qbetzforreal wrote:

Not something for you or his wife to handle.  Sounds like you're embarrassed by him.  He's 31 and from your post he's always been like this.

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@qbetzforreal  No, I am sorry if I was not clear. This was not an issue until after he got married. And yes, as awful as it sounds it is embarrassing.......people talk. He is a good person, outstanding employee but this is overshadowing all of his good qualities.I feel he has been turned down for several promotions because of this.