Mom to Mom

[panda1234]

My 31 year old son is a little aspergery. Before getting married and living at home the only hygiene issue was not doing a good job brushing teeth. He showered daily, hair brushed, etc. Now he always looks a mess, like he just rolled out of bed. He has applied for several jobs within his company and never got them. Well, yesterday we attended a funeral which he was a pallbearer. Again he looked like a mess and his teeth were not brushed.......I was mortified. How could his wife let him out like that? Should I let this go? I feel awkward saying something but I am sure people are talking.

[violann]

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@panda1234 wrote:

My 31 year old son is a little aspergery. Before getting married and living at home the only hygiene issue was not doing a good job brushing teeth. He showered daily, hair brushed, etc. Now he always looks a mess, like he just rolled out of bed. He has applied for several jobs within his company and never got them. Well, yesterday we attended a funeral which he was a pallbearer. Again he looked like a mess and his teeth were not brushed.......I was mortified. How could his wife let him out like that? Should I let this go? I feel awkward saying something but I am sure people are talking.

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Tough call for a loving Mom, but I wouldn't. In fact, I don't. There is only one single aspect in which I have expressed an unrequested opinion, and it has to do with something life threatening.

I made my statement with an offer of help and am now waiting for a response.

I love and trust my DILs, and I think in the long run my sons do better as "grownups" rather than "Mom's boys". So far, so good with Mom's fingers firmly crossed.

Hope it works out for you and him, for the best.

[ECBG]

In this case, as a concernend parent, I would tell him he needed to brush his teeth and remind him of the issues that arise from not brushing.

Poor dental health can also effect your heart.

[qbetzforreal]

Not something for you or his wife to handle.  Sounds like you're embarrassed by him.  He's 31 and from your post he's always been like this.

[Anonymous032819]

I would keep my mouth shut. He is an adult, and as such, he can have whatever hygiene that he wants. It's his prerogative.

[Roscoe the Rascal]

He is a big boy but embarrassing too.  Maybe he is depressed some as well.  

For me my daughter is big busted and half the time doesn't wear a bra.  I've been on her about it and finally searching for some new bras.  She can flop around home but once she walks out that door put on your bra.    Makes her look trashy and I hate it.    She said her bras are uncomfortable to wear.

I saw today the Q has a Goddess bra line for bigger busted ladies so have her check those out.  I'm thinking  it was meant to be.

[SloopJohnB]

@panda1234   Yes, for future reference, I would say something to him.  I equate it to ..... better to tell a friend they have spinach in their teeth than walk around all day not knowing......or letting someone know their fly is unzipped, etc......

And this is coming from the mom of a 30 year old high functioning autistic son.....

[lolakimono]

@panda1234 

Here is my perspective.  I am a teacher and my mom worked for my dentist, so growing up we always heard about dental hygiene.

Is there something he finds difficult about brushing?  Maybe he hasn't found a toothbrush or a toothpaste that feels right? Some toothpastes are too gritty or they taste like peroxide.  Perhaps a children's toothpaste would be a better fit?  Could it be a motor skill thing where a manual toothbrush is difficult for him?  Does he like gadgets, like a battery operated spin brush?  Or would he use mouthwash?  I would dig down to find out what about that particular hygiene ritual he dislikes.  I'm sure if he is married his wife has already pointed it out to him, but maybe what he hasn't found is a solution that appeals to him.  

[LindaSal]

I would just tell him like it is!   Of course being a dental assistant for my lifelong career, good dental hygiene was instilled in my children at a very young age.  However, who else is going to tell him other than his mom??   There are kind ways to tell people that others are talking about them due to certain behaviors they are exibiting.   It's tough love but you just have to try.

[RetRN]

Have you noticed a change in your DIL's hygiene? If she takes care of herself it would seem she would remind her husband to do the same. How he cares for himself is definitely not a reflection on you, but I understand your concern. It sounds like the situation may be affecting employment opportunities for him.