Mom to Mom

[Imaoldhippie]

@Beautiful life .............Your daughter is an adult she is 26 yrs old for pete sake.  Her life pattern is set.  Nothing you say or do will change her.

For your own peace of mind and health and happiness you need to get counseling for yourself only.  Put her on the back burner.  She will continue to say and do things to hurt you because you allow it.  Severe ties immediately (that does not mean forever).  As long as you have contact with her she is going to make you miserable because she knows it will hurt you and she will eventually get her way.  You caved and gave her your car as an example.

It wont be easy and it will take time.  The choice is yours live miserable as you do now or work to have a happy life with your husband and son.  Your son and husband needs you.

I am sorry that this has happened to you, but only you can fix you.  Best of luck and may God be with you.

[Patz822]

She's entitled. Selfish. Let her figure it out on her own. She's an adult. She cant

be fixed. She needs to grow up & you need to let her.

[ECBG]

You can't "fix" anyone.

If she loans her BF thousands of dollars, you are enabling her to continue this lifestyle and down this bad road when you gave her your car, bought her supplies and a tv.

Don't let her shame you.  You reared her, and SHE not you made the bad choices.

If she has thousands of dollars to give him, she isn't doing what is responsible to live.

You will have to cut off the money flow and in turn, SHE  will have the hard work of growing into a responsible adult if she makes that choice.

Stay with your counselor.

[Growing]

Estrangement has become something 27% of American families experience. Anyone who would benefit from attending a good support group can use the link below and join. But the next meeting is June 12, this coming Monday evening. It is a zoom meeting of people all around the US. As others have said, your daughter is now an adult and wants to do her thing on your dime. She punishes you by doing the silent treatment which is abuse. The silent treatment is abuse. This support group is one I participate in and there are all kinds of people, parents, adult sons and daughters, siblings, grandparents, cousins, etc. The goal is to heal from the pain and learn to move forward in our lives. This is a volunteer led ministry of a church and it is very good. Kind and supportive people and good educational topics. It is mostly parents but anyone trying to heal from family estrangement is welcomed. You do have to send the pastor an email to get the zoom link. I wish you the best. 

Link is below:

https://llumc.org/learn/adult-classes-and-groups/detail/surviving-estrangement-support-group/ 

[eadu4]

@Beautiful life My husband was a lot like you.  I left the definition of a sociopath up on the computer one time and finally it was like a light turned on.  His daughter used him, made up lies about him and would make him feel guilty.  He worked 3 jobs to pay for a car for her and the insurance and then found out for sympathy and attention she told one of her many BFs that he  was dead.  Manipulated him into buying the car by crying and saying everybody else's dads bought them cars.  There's 30 plus years  of guilt and manipulation she has put him through.
     You're not alone feeling like you do but my husband made progress letting go when he realized she never loved him period.  She uses everyone. Makes them beg for her affection then feel guilty when they don't cater to her every need. Read up on sociopaths. She never wanted to work.  Blamed everyone else for her problems.  Her relationships have all been messed up.  
     It will be painful but at some point you need to come to grips with you are begging for her love and attention and she knows it and uses that against you and your husband.  You have given her total permission to use you as a doormat.  She wants you to think she cares but in fact she doesn't and won't.  I'm sorry.  But you are killing yourself and you need to ask yourself why are you taking this abuse?  And it's abuse period.  She's a grown woman and it doesn't bother her if she hurts you.  Accept that your pain means nothing to her.  It was a painful process for my husband to distance himself from all his daughter's  manipulations and drama it still hurts him but he knows it was the right thing to do for his health.  
    You deserve better but know that it will most likely never come from her.  And buying her affection only allows her to manipulate the situation.  It's hard to think that a child we love with all our heart might never love us back.  But it happens.  And it hurts.  But if she sees that hurt and you keep telling her you're hurt you are giving her freedom to continue her disrespect, and manipulation.  

[RedTop]

@eadu4 

I am sorry your husband had to deal with such horrible treatment from his daughter.  No one deserves that, but thankfully your husband finally saw the light and changed his response.  

I have followed OP's posts for over 10 years, and the situation she is dealing with as far as her young daughter is quite different from what your husband experienced.  I truly feel OP is on the right track by choosing therapy for herself, and the real key for her is to continue therapy until she has the breakthru that will make a difference.  

[eadu4]

@RedTop  Absolutely she needs therapy.  Never said she didn't.  But she is a victim and the manipulation her daughter uses is abuse.  There is FAR more to my husband's situation than just what I wrote.  A lot of which mirrors hers.  But her ability to get a grip on the situation is to realize that this is abuse and no matter what she needs to stop allowing herself to be a victiom of it. Her relationship with her daughter is toxic.  The daughter is an adult.  Her behavior is not going to change since the mother's respones have never changed.  Hopefully through her therapy she can find a better way to respond to her daughter's behavior.  

[Tuffcookie]

A very wise woman, by the name of Ann Landers, once said, "Nobody can take advantage of you, without your permission".  Over the course of your daughter's lifetime, she has learned she doesn't have to show respect for you.  I would have nipped that in the bud years ago!

[Trailrun23]

You can't force anyone to respect you, and you can't always prevent someone from taking advantage of you. Sometimes it is out of your hands and the person just doesn't want to respect you or anyone else except maybe one person. My oldest daughter dropped me from her life three years ago when she and her husband and my grandkids abruptly moved across the country. Not one word since then. No contact at all. I attempted contact twice and got no response, so I stopped trying. I did send a Christmas card and a birthday card to her. I don't know if she ever opened them. We were fine, as far as I know,  when she lived here. I never was aware of any problems between us. She occasionally contacts her siblings but not often. Her husband is very successful and I know she flies into town and stays with a friend of hers several times a month. Her friend lives 15 minutes away from us. 

No phone call, text, nothing. She is always on FB bragging about her world travels. I don't even look anymore. Too painful. She is 45 years old. I am still clueless as to why this happened. The hurt is unimaginable. I wish she would at least tell me why she decided to cut me out of her life. Her siblings say they don't want to be involved if I ask them if they know why she has dropped me. I think your kids can hurt you like no one else can. 

[katie1859]

Prodigals, issues, and situations mothers n fathers cannot fix.
I get it. I have 2 daughters like this.
I've read your sharings here and I agree. We must remain in our lives with peace. If people don't make efforts, then there is no relationship. It's like the sound of one hand clapping.
Yes, of course there's sadness and we miss them but since when do we give up our life because of an adult child MIA?
I won't do it. I won't live by their lack of respect and love.