Wellness

[Harpa]

dotdddd, I am very sorry for your loss! When she was so very much a part of your life, it is going to take some time for your adjustment.

As mothers tend to want the best for their children, you know she would want the best for you, even now. Her sojourn here is over, but you still need to carry on with your life. I think she would want that for you. She would want you to be at peace, as she is, and she would want you to be happy.

Prayers for strength and comfort and happiness!

[Jersey Born]

Dotdddd, I understand how you feel. It may help you to purchase a blank book of pages (like a journal or diary) so you can write down your intense feelings, your favorite memories of your mother, and all of your thoughts about your siblings regarding what you went through while caring for your mom. Try and get those negative feelings out of you. It is cathartic writing down your feelings, as it makes you express your thoughts fully.

I wish you the best. I know that your grief group will help you tremendously, too. Talking helps a lot, too. You are bringing up very painful feelings right now, but releasing them will help you as you progress in your group. It is natural to feel a lot of grief, especially at the beginning, while participating in such a group. You are expressing your pain. I hope that by expressing your pain, you will be able to release it, and find happiness again as you go forward.

[steiny3844]

Losing mom is one of the hardest things we will go through. Your grief will always go in waves, even when you start to have good days. I think we learn to live with grief, rather than get over it. I'm so glad for your mother died home, in her sleep, with people who loved her. My mother had a similar passing. That gave me some peace.

[Yuban3]

On 5/31/2014 Pook said:

So very sorry. Everyone grieves differently and you were with her all the time so naturally it would be harder for you. It's only been a short time so don't think you should be where everyone else is in the grieving process. The support group should also be a great help to you. Grieve you own way and that's the only true healing. Don't suppress your feelings or other issues can occur. Concentrate on the good times and be thankful you were there for her. Cry it out as often as you want and in time things will get better. My mother died over 20 years ago and while I have moved on, there is still a part of me that grieves every day at some point. While it doesn't consume my life and hurt as badly s it did it will always be there.

I agree with what you said.

I lost my own mom in December of 2000. While I no longer cry over her passing, I do still miss her.

[ALMAC]

Of course, everyone deals with loss in their own way. It sounds like you had an awesome bond with your dear Mom so your grief runs deep. Don't worry about what others think!! A loss and grief group will likely help you process your feelings. I will pray that you find comfort soon!!

[Yuban3]

On 3/31/2014 dotdddd said:

background...24/7 c giver, 93yo mom, lived w/me passed away unexpected in her sleep Mar.4 while I took a 3day vac.My son found her when he went to get her up. my problem, I still have DEEP greif, my heart actually hurts. Everyone [sibs.] seem to have moved on wks. ago, at the funeral[one bro. didn't even come] I was sobbing and I could here bro. in the background laughing w/someone. I can't understand it, I think of her all day and dream all nite and still cry, I have joined a greif group,any suggestions?

How do you know that they have "moved on"? Just because they are not wailing openly in front of you, does not mean that they are not crying at home.

Also, you were your mom's caregiver. They weren't. You saw her everyday, and I'm guessing that they didn't. So it's only understandable that you would take her passing harder than they would.

But, as I said before, maybe talking one-on-one with a grief councilor in addition to your group therapy would help you.

[sgraham30]

I'm sorry for your loss. Grief has it's own timetable, everyone has their own way of grieving. You've suffered an enormous loss, your world as you knew it has changed forever. Don't listen to those who tell you that you've grieved long enough, you should get on with your life. Take as long as you need to grieve. You & only you will know how long that will take.

I lost my mother suddenly 8/18/2012, almost 26 years to the day after I lost my father. (he died 8/19/1988) I was inconsolable after she died. I worked for a month after she died, but my job performance suffered because my heart & mind just weren't in it. Since the job was a temp assignment, I asked for the assignment to be terminated.

After that, I didn't leave my house for 3 months, unless I had to. I didn't want to be around anyone, I wanted to be alone with my memories of her.

I still miss her & I always will but the pain of her passing has lessened over time. I am a different person now than I was before she died. When she died, she took a part of me with her.

[hckynut]

Sorry for your loss. My mother died when I was very young, 30 years old, but to that point I had lived with her all my life, other than my time in the US Army. My older 3 sisters were married fairly young so it was just myself and my mom for over 10 years, the last ones of her life, and not really anywhere close to her best of years.

I was lost for a long time after her death and much of that time my head was in a bottle or mug of beer. Nothing helped me other than clearing out the house of her things and eventually being able to sell the home and move into my own apartment away from that home. One of my older sisters could not even come into the home to help with removing things she was so badly grieved.

As most will say, time is always an ally when it comes to feeling less grief, but it has been 45 years since my mothers death and there is not a day goes by where I do not think about her. She raised my 3 sisters and myself sans a husband, he was too busy boozing to raise a family, and he left when I was 4-5 years old.

Whatever you feel might help you is certainly worth making the effort. I know at times one feels like not even moving much less doing much activity. I will say my older sister's husband died in 2009 after 64 years of marriage(she was 17 when married)and the first 3 years were horrible for her. She lives in a faraway state so the best I could do was talk with her. My youngest sister by this time had died of cancer, at age 52 in 1989, so it was just me and my next oldest sister in our immediate family.

I spoke with her last week and she is a whole different person once again. She did go to "grief group sessions"(not sure that is the exact terminology)and she felt that those types of things did help her deal with her loss. Fortunately she had her daughters/grandchildren and great-grandchildren that live close by and visit her regularly.

My condolences go out to you and all those that loved your mother. May you be able to find some time when the grief lessens a little bit for you. Everyone is different and each has to try to understand what might be the best route for them to take during such dark and sorrowful days.

My best to you,

[Big Sister]

dot, I am so sorry your mom has passed and you are feeling guilt for not being there at the time. What you're feeling is normal and I think will get better in time.

One year ago my little sister died unexpectedly in my home while sleeping. I still feel guilty in not knowing she was dying in the next room, and not saying a proper GOODBYE. So the advice I give to you is also what I need to hear and believe.

For some reason you/I were not meant to be there at the last breath. Your sobbing is so necessary and right. She will be on your mind 24/7 for a while, but I promise it does get better. You will want her back, if even for an hour, to tell her everything you want to, and probably what she already knew in her heart and soul, that she loved you and she knew you loved her.

The grief can be overwhelming at times and some of those times you will "not want to go to THAT PLACE" and sob again. Other times, you will have to "go there."

The absence of your mother will always be with you. What we have to do, I realize, is ADJUST to their absence. I hope I am making sense to you and that I have helped in some small way. Go ahead and cry, Dot. I am glad that you joined a grief group. I think that will help. You NEED to talk about your mom and hear her name spoken.

[AuntG]

Being that you were her caregiver, you probably feel the loss more than the rest of the family. I certainly hope you don't feel guilty that it happened when you took a brief vacation because that was totally out of your control. I hope the grief group offers you the support you need.