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Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,511
Registered: ‎06-17-2015

@OkeyDokey  Once you realize that you can establish yourself for who YOU are without that relationship then you will move on.

 

You work through the grief, not around it.

 

It seems as though you are putting your worth into how others behave toward you; turn that around and realize how that is holding you back.

 

Little steps a day at a time.  You can do this; and taking care of yourself first is all you need to do.  There is no time limit but if you find yourself becoming increasingly held back from being happy then some counseling is in order.  You may have issues that are being covered over by focusing on these past relationships.

 

Be well.

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh
Valued Contributor
Posts: 546
Registered: ‎06-04-2010

After thinking about it for quite some time (this has been going on for months), I decided that focusing on him, and his unwillingness to talk to me about what happened spoke volumes.  He hurt me, but he isn't worth my time if he isn't going to be a real man.  I was feeling trapped and suffocated, wondering how I could ever meet anybody that would make me forget him.  There is so much that my marriage was lacking that I would like to eventually experience with someone when the time is right.  I thought that someone could have been him, but obviously isn't.  I put my profile up on a dating site last night on a whim just to see what happened.  The response was literally overwhelming.  At least I'm learning how to pass quickly on guys that I'm not interested in and getting to know a few that could end up being good friends.  Right thing to do or not, it certainly is a welcome diversion.  If a full social calendar can't help me forget him, then it will be time for some counseling.  

 

Thank you all again for your help and kindness.  I'm worth more than the way he treated me.  

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,170
Registered: ‎11-15-2011

You shouldn't need someone to make you forget him.

YOU need to forget him! 

 

Then someone who will love you will come along.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,179
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Just causally date after a divorce or take a break from men. It takes some time to adjust from the divorce (also depending what led to it, may take longer) Focus on yourself.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,955
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

At some point in our lives, every single one of us has made a terrible mistake with SOMETHING, and in my personal experience, if you USE your mistake to do better in your future, you can salvage something from the ashes of failure and defeat.

 

Whether it’s a bad relationship, bad financial move or professional decision, any sort of regrettable personal choice, if it can be undone, UNDO IT, if it can’t, figure out how to avoid doing it again in the future, if it’s brought sorrow to others, apologize if it’s positive/helpful to them, or without fanfair think of ways to make their lives better.

When you’ve done all that you can possibly do to better the bad circumstances which you’d created or in which you’d become enmeshed, MOVE AWAY from them.

 

Just now, you MAY actually be doing better than you realize, because you know that someone took advantage of your value as a human being, and you didn’t like it. The next time you choose to trust, you will be less vulnerable and more cautious, and that kind of self protection is a healthy trait.

 

Now allow yourself to acknowledge that your extreme sadness was a teaching tool that you gave to yourself, and move away from that sadness into new feelings of exploration.

 

Last thought, asking for help in times of darkness is NOT “WHINY”. It’s using your resources to find answers. Hope I’ve been of some help, and my most positive and earnest hopes that you will soon see your world in a different, positive light.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,652
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@violann, there is wonderful life experience and advice in your post.  I hope OP can see the wisdom in your words and use them to guide the way back to a good place.  LM

Frequent Contributor
Posts: 76
Registered: ‎06-08-2018

Hi I have been in your spot several times. The last time I loved a man I was stupid. He was verbally abusive. My mom had a reverse mortgage so we had a year to get out. The boyfriend did no packing so I packed his stuff. When we moved he wasn't around so I never told him where we would live. Long story short. I stayed alone for about 2 years. I needed me time and I talked to men online the last yesr. I never had to meet someone because I  chose men from far away . Have fun in your home by painting and redecorating. Read some novels that you didn't have time for. Stay in pj's order a pizza and veg out on the bed or couch. If you have no cats or dogs get one of two. I wish you the very best.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,369
Registered: ‎08-20-2012

Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. Take care of you.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 546
Registered: ‎06-04-2010

You all have shared wise words.  In the time since posting this, I've going on several dates, meeting several kind gentlemen.  I've only run across a couple of creeps.  There is one guy I've met who is, no doubt, going to end up being a great friend if nothing else.  He seems to be a genuinely good guy.  

 

This past week was very hard.  This is still a transition time for me.  Every day is an adventure.  Hopefully, I will be eventually be able to put all the hurst of the past year behind me.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,160
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

when you tire of feeling so bad, then you will be able to pick yourself up and get on with putting yourself first and taking care of yourself.  best wishes.