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Contributor
Posts: 46
Registered: ‎06-10-2015

Need a "transformation" of sorts....

I need a change big time! 2020 was a terrible year...not just because of the obvious hell we have all witnessed globally, but personally for me because I lost my husband after 32 years. It will be a year since he passed this month. I'm moving on as best as I can, but I feel so stuck too! I turned 54 two months ago and I feel like I am in some weird pergatory. I feel too young to be old, but too old to be young if that makes any sense...There is a part of me that is desperate to move forward with life, but I also feel like I need to enter this next stage as a new "me".. 

Looking for any words of wisdom / advice from anyone who has gone thru something like this or can relate. 

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,824
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Need a "transformation" of sorts....

Boy this is hard and I want to help so much. I started this three times now and just don't want to get it wrong here. I also don't want to fill this with cliches and sayings. Not what's needed here. Do you have a network of friend and family? If so are you all in touch once in awhile? Maybe you need to go seek some professional advice. You may need someone outside your situation to talk too. Just to get it all out. Oh geez truly not good at this but my heart aches for you. You will be in my prayers @wifey2qt  ❤️🙏

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,147
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Need a "transformation" of sorts....

@wifey2qt 

 

First of all, you have my sympathy on the loss of your husband.  The passing of one's partner is just the most traumatic thing a person has to endure.  It is entirely normal for you to feel as you do.  And the past year with all the virus problems and things going on in the country and world, has left many of us feeling anxious, sad and at odds. Be patient and kind to yourself.  Give yourself all the time you need to grieve and heal.  Share your feelings with close family members and/or friends; don't bear the burden alone.  Maybe try something new you have always wanted to do.  A class, or a hobby.  Get involved in a worthy cause.  Anything which could take your mind off of what you have experienced and are going through.  Even taking some walks outside in the fresh air is very uplifting.  It might sound superficial, but maybe even going for a "me" day and getting a new hairdo, mani and pedi.  I pray a lot, too.  I wish you all the best!    

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,317
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Need a "transformation" of sorts....

To me, 54 is young.  You have a lot of life ahead of you!  I'm very sorry you lost your husband.  Especially during the pandemic year.   Relish your memories of him and your life together.  One day you'll be ready, and you'll know the moment.  At least you're thinking about it.  Concentrate on things you might want to do, places you want to visit, and all the time in front of you.  

 

Some of us (wink, wink) took classes and changed careers after we retired in our 60's.... just sayin'.

 

 

* A woman is like a tea bag. You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. *
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,589
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Need a "transformation" of sorts....

Very sorry about the loss of your DH, @wifey2qt .

 

Can you get out into nature and take some nice walks? 'Twould be hard for me to give up a daily walk! I find it to be refreshing mentally & physically. All one needs to do is dress for the weather and have a good pair of walking shoes.

 

54 is a spring chicken!

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,317
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Need a "transformation" of sorts....

I agree with @Harpa that "54 is a spring chicken."   Oh, to be 54 again.......

* A woman is like a tea bag. You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. *
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Valued Contributor
Posts: 910
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Need a "transformation" of sorts....

I am so soooo sorry you lost your husband. I can't even imagine the past year -- all we've gone through and then having to endure that too. I admire that you have gotten through it. To me, almost 70, 54 is very young. I know in my early 50s I started to feel old too, though -- but trust me. You are not old. Now for the so-called advice -- for what it's worth.

 

Is there something that you have always wanted to try or learn but never did? This might be a good time to find something that really interests you and immerse yourself in it. It will engage your brain away from the sadness for short periods of time. For me, as a musician, I play my harp which I'm still studying formally via Zoom, to take my mind off things that make me upset. Maybe an online class -- there are those master classes on Zoom where you pay for a lesson from an expert in something -- cooking, sewing, knitting, whatever.......Or just take an online class from a local college?

 

I'm sending you all my best thoughts and also prayers that your soul can heal a little -- though I know it takes its own time. Heart

 

Briggsie

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,320
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Need a "transformation" of sorts....

@wifey2qt   just want to send you a ((hug)).  It must be so hard.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,317
Registered: ‎05-22-2016

Re: Need a "transformation" of sorts....

I had some awful stuff happen to me all in just a few years. it came raining down on me so fast plus I was battling addiction on top of it all. I had to seek the professional help of counselors and therapists to help me get back to my life. I didn't have any family to help me so I relied on close friends, mostly, for continued encouragement and support.

 

I wish you the best and all the luck. It's not going to be easy but when you make it to end of the tunnel it will be worth it.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,934
Registered: ‎02-19-2014

Re: Need a "transformation" of sorts....

I'm very sorry for your loss, @wifey2qt . I can see even from your nickname how much you love your DH. Heart

 

 

I think you are on to something with wanting to feel unstuck. The change of having more time on my hands from the pandemic made me want to feel unstuck too.

 

They say that when an external change happens, that's a good time to start a new habit you've been wanting to implement. In a book I read, it said that statistically most people start new habits and stick with them successfully when they move to a new city. It feels like they are a new person. So maybe that's the type of situation you're dealing with. A huge change, just not moving to a new city.

 

Maybe pick something you've always wanted to start doing and let that be a part of your new lifestyle. I know that exercising every day has really transformed a lot of other areas of my life. It's got me taking better care of myself in other ways as well.

 

Or it could be creativity or a new spiritual practice or a mode of eating.

 

If you choose something with compounding benefits, again like exercise (for me), you always have something to look forward to. The more I exercise the stronger I get, the more energy I have, the more confident I feel, and the better I feel about my body. It's a virtuous spiral. Start as many virtuous spirals for yourself as you can.

 

You start to see yourself as. "I am someone who exercises." "I am someone who eats (insert dietary practice here)." "I am someone who dances/paints/sings." "I am someone who meditates/prays/does hypnosis." It can be very invigorating to see yourself anew that way.

 

Hope this doesn't seem too simplistic. I know life is very complicated.

When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.
"Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr