Wellness

[Allegheny]

@RedTop  Thank you so much for understanding.  I feel we are getting very close to placement, perhaps another year at the most.  It is getting overwhelming for me and while I am thankful my cousin and his wife have finally stepped up, they are not here to deal with the daily issues and have their lives being disrupted.  If they were, I can guarantee they would have placed my uncle by now.

[judEve]

You could say now that "Bob" is POA his attorney, tax man, accountant (you don't to have one of them) said there is a new rule or law concerning the way monies are handled.  That from now on you must use your credit card, or "Bob's" credit card for ALL transactions.  Explain you know it's a hassle and you don't like it either but it's the law now and you wouldn't want to get in trouble would you?   You wouldn't want Bob to get in trouble, possibly pay a hefty fine, have to go to court or worse would you? Explain Bob is trying to find a way around the law or rule but until then you're going to have to comply or take the chance of being forced out of your home.  From now on according to this rule you will be allowed $20 per week or whatever you want him to have.  Express your sorrow and frustration but that you, Bob and you know he will comply. Don't go into all the detail I said above unless he asks more or persists.  Keep it simple.  If he can't be trusted not to lose credit card and you trust caregiver have caregiver keep it.  You can even tell him he's no longer allowed by law to have it.  Get rid of all debit cards!  If a debit card is fraudulently used you can lose all the money in the account and have no way to dispute or get the money back.  If a credit card is misused you can dispute the charges and be reimbursed but take no chance on losing cash in checking account.

  The problem with dealing with those we love with dementia, Alzheimer's, or any disorder, condition that affects cognition is we tend to try to rationalize with them.  Unfortunately they are no longer the person we once knew.  Their ability to rationalize, trouble shoot is broken.  I'm not saying not to talk to them as you always have.  I'm just saying don't expect to be able to set them down and explain your reasons for not wanting them to do this or for needing that and expect a rational response, it's not going to happen unfortunately.  As much as we hate to admit it they are not the same person.  Dementia, Alzheimer's , BI, closed head injuries, and a host of other illnesses that affect cognition rob the person of who they were. We cannot continue to try to rationalize with them expecting a normal, thinking, reason based outcome.  We have to find alternate ways to deal with the situations that come up.

 I cannot stress enough to reach out to the numerous, wonderful organizations out there that offer endless support, and advice.  They have so many ways to approach an array of issues that are tried and true.  They also can help you get plugged into a support group be it in person or online.  Being able to talk, share with others in the same situation is life changing and saving!  It will help you avoid so many of the pitfalls caregivers find themselves in (yes you too are a caregiver), it will help prevent or with the frustration, guilt, anger, sadness, illness, depression loss, etc.... please find an organization related to his condition.  If there isn't one reach out to his doctor and ask for a suggestion on where you can get advice or try the Alzheimer's association.  These organizations can also help you with knowing what to look for and ask when deciding on a caregiver.

We decided it was easier to lie to our parents about certain things in order to keep them safe and to maintain our sanity.  No one wants to lie to their parents and I know many will judge me for suggesting it and admitting my family and I did lie.  Before you do know we chose to pick our battles.  We decided it wasn't worth the anger, arguments, and resentments to tell them the truth about everything especially things they had no control over and that they could not change. By doing this we were able to enjoy their last year's and know they were safe.  

Should the time come you can no longer honor your loved ones wishes and keep them at home remember it's NOT your fault!  You've done everything you can!  You've made the decision to move them to a facility so they can receive the care they need that you can no longer provide.

Be kind and loving to yourself!  This is hard!  Reach out, do not keep your feelings and thoughts in!  Do not think you don't want to tell anyone you're mad, or feeling exhausted because in your mind the person is family and you shouldn't feel those things!  You are entitled to all of your feelings!  I can guarantee there is not a single feeling you've had or will have during this journey that others in the same situation haven't had!  You are not alone!  All you have to do is reach out and listen to those in the same boat and you will know you're not alone! You will survive this!

Peace.

[Big Sister]

I am so sorry you are going through this "caregiving" and hope it can be resolved sooner rather than later.

One mishap occurred when my MIL was living with us.  I came home from work and there was an empty pot left burning on the stove.  That was very scary.

[RedTop]

@Allegheny,

My 83 year old mom lives across the road from me.  My brothers and I are always monitoring mom to make sure she is functioning well, and is safe to be living alone.   She has no clue we've been doing this for several years.   

When I walk inside moms house, I am alert to smells; has she scorched or burned something, do I smell urine, etc.   Mom is a smoker, so I also visually check the 2 rooms she smokes in for cigarette burns.   

I do a visual check in the kitchen of countertops and floor; has she spilled anything that might draw mice or ants.   I find a way to look inside her oven and refrigerator to make sure nothing out of the ordinary is in there, like keys, tv remote, etc.   I glance into her trash can; has she melted a plastic bowl, burned a pot so badly she's tossed it, or broken something.  

I always use the bathroom there.   Mom was always such a stickler about her bathroom; always flushing the toilet, and she changed out towels and washcloths every other day.   

Lastly, I check the flowers on the back porch to see if they've been watered recently, and that gives me a chance to see her clothes hamper to see if she's keeping up with her laundry.   

If mom seems a bit "slow" that day, I will ask about something to see if she goes to it directly, or has to stop and think about where it is.   

Mom is slipping a little, but she continues to do well in her home so far.   My brothers and I are alert for changes, and know what we will do next.   Mental changes happen quickly, and it is easy for our loved ones to fool us with their functioning capabilities if we are not watching them closely.    

[luvdoodles]

So sad, I can relate, we went through this with my father when he was in his 60's, early onset Alzheimers. He should not be living alone, just too risky and not safe for him. My mother enrolled him in an Adult Day 5 days a week. The little bus would pick him up in the morning and bring him home later in the afternoon. That worked for a few months.

Later as he got worse, like turning on the stove for no reason and trying to get out at night, she hired a care giver for the night shift, 3 nights a week so she could get some sleep. She had to shut off the circuit breaker to the stove too.

There are options out there, do some more research and find something that would give you a little peace of mind and keep him safe. It's just a horrible situation, and unless you have lived with someone going through it, people don't understand. God bless you on this long journey.

[Allegheny]

@judEve  Thank you.  You have so much insight.  Particularily about trying to rationalize with my Uncle.  Rationalization doesn't work.  And yes, I have started to "fib".   I am going to print your post to re-read when I need inspiration.

[Zhills]

Have you talked to his banking facility about this?

[Allegheny]

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@Zhills wrote:

Have you talked to his banking facility about this?

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Hi @Zhills

No, I have not.  Regarding this matter, I have referred and encouraged my cousin to do so. He has the power of attorney and power of person and has assumed management of my Uncle's bank finances and investiments.  

While I have no problem approaching the bank and inquiring I feel it is beneficial for my cousin to become familiar with all my Uncle's assets and how to deal with these issues.  I have to be somewhat cautious on what and where I tred as I have no authority.

[chrystaltree]

He has dementia....of course, he thinks he's perfectly fine.  He has no short term memory, so he doesn't know there are any problems with expenses and there's no point in telling him or trying to explain anything to him.  He won't remember.  He needs a guardian which is not the same thing as a POA.   A person who controls his money but lives 5 hours away is useless in this situation.  He probably isn't really aware of the problems or your uncles cognitive deficits or how fast things change with dementia.  I assume your uncle has a doctor, hopefully he's seeing someone who is a specialist in this area.  That doctor should the person who has that POA and explain the realities of dementia to him and then someone has to address the gaurdianship issue.  Obviously keeping cash in the house won't work and I doubt that debit card with funds is the right thing to do because these so called "caregivers" do steal.  Are you interested in stepping in and being of help to your uncle?  If you are, after your cousin has spoken with the doctor, you can reach out and explain the situation and volunteer to handle your uncle's money.  That's where the debit card would be a good idea.  Your cousin would put money on the card and you would control where it goes.  You could give your uncle a little money in cash, so that he thinks he's managing his own money.  

[Allegheny]

@chrystaltree  Thank you for your input.  Just to expand, my cousin and  uncle have had a extremely close relationship all their lives. For years my cousin has been aware of the our uncle's declining memory, but chose not to address it.  I find this shameful because not only is he my uncle's favorite and most trusted family member, but he is a physician.  

I suggested to my cousin that he employ the counsel of an attorney who specializes in elder care law and consider a guardianship.  He feels this is unnecessary.

Due to past family dynamics I have no desire to assume management of my uncle's finances, nor would my husband sanction this.

Again thank you.