I got angry with my sister tonight - Page 4

Imaoldhippie · ‎06-10-2015

I think this scenario is more common than not. You dont have to be ashamed or feel guilty in anyway. Do your best to forget it and move on. Its your "religious" sister that will pay the piper and she knows it.

I am praying for your mom, you and your dear brother.

BE THE PERSON YOUR DOG THINKS YOU ARE! (unknown)

LonestarBabs · ‎06-26-2011

I am the primary caregiver for my 92 year old mother (who has fractured her L4 twice as well as her L1) and I have one DNS -- Do Nothing Sibling. I can understand your frustration as well as the exhaustion and stress you're experiencing. I suggest you check out Caregiving dot com -- a wonderful community of people who are all facing the challenges of caregiving and share their support of one another. Lots of good resources there, too, and you can join chats to talk with others about anything. Unless someone has been a caregiver, they can't possibly understand the intensity of the role nor the rollercoaster of emotions associated with it.

MomCat · ‎09-12-2010

After going thru all this myself, I finally accepted that I had no control over other people's actions, only my own, so I tried to keep negative thoughts out of my head. I did what I believed was right, and I became stronger and stronger along the way. I am amazed at what strength I had. Years later, I feel better and better about what I was able to do for my parents. Thankfully, I had the support and help from a husband, but none from siblings. Sad, but this is reality.

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

@conlt

So sorry to hear what happened to your mother. She will be in my thoughts and prayers and so will you. I know how hard it is.

If ever family dynamics come into play, it will be now. It sounds to me like a family meeting is in order. Some of your siblings may think Mom should be in a nursing home or assisted living. Some might be willing to do more to keep her at home. This is a time to keep the communication lines open if at all possible.

We really don't always know what's going on in their lives. My brother, for example, can't do as much. He has a wife who is 80 yrs. old and has had several major surgeries these past 3 yrs. My sister carries the biggest load. She is single and lives across the street from Mom. Still, we don't want her doing it all. My sister knows that if DH has to go through another round of cancer treatments or Mom would have to be lifted...we couldn't do it.

I think the big problem today is we have older children taking care of even older parents because we are living longer. When you are not young anymore and having your own health issues it can be very difficult. It may be that a family meeting is in order.

Could it be that some of your siblings think Mom should be in a nursing home or assisted living? Let them know you don't think you can do it any longer without their help and see if you can have a meeting of the minds.

I certainly admire all you have done for your mother. You sound like a loving and caring daughter.

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

@Libbylady wrote:
Oh gosh....this might be a really interesting story, but I can't read it!!.
Please consider the reader, and learn to use paragraphs.

@Libbylady,

You can read my post. I added some paragraphs and I hope @conlt does not mind.

hckynut(john)

hckynut(john)

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@Tuppermore

Your post brought me to tears. You were truly a blessing and have been blessed. I have always told my children that you know you are doing the right thing by how difficult it is to do. You did that by taking care of your mother in law.

And now, to see what a blessing your children have become to you.......there is no greater reward in life, what a beautiful family you have. Best of luck to you in your treatment.

GCR18 · ‎07-03-2013

I think you should have a family meeting. There can't be any second guessing the decisions being made. Decisions need to be made quickly with the known information. The family can divide and conquer or those unwilling to participate need to keep their comments to themselves. It's a long hard journey. I totally get your side. I work full time and manage my sister's health care issues from 1000 miles away. You do the best you can with what you know. Best wishes and hope the family will step up.

Allegheny · ‎03-19-2010

@conlt Don't feel bad or apologize for giving your brother and sister an ear beating. I probably won't be popular here by saying this, but they deserved it. It will give them something to think about.

AuntG · ‎03-09-2010

@conlt wrote:
Thank you, you are right, I am exhausted. My sister does not work, she is retired. She has a healing prayer ministry. She travels the world but rarely comes to see my mom. To boot she is a elder care nurse practitioner, but she has not practiced in a long time. When my dad died she was afraid to come. I think her problem is she is afraid to face the real facts that mom may not be here much longer. Same with my other sister and brother. Although my other sister will come help when mom is out of the facilities. I really had a hard time sitting in the ER, finding out about the fracture and especially making the decision to have surgery. At least I have a very good friend who is a physical therapist and she helped me decide.

=======

Well she is clearly qualified to help but is not inclined to help you out. Keep doing what you are doing. Often it is the family member with the biggest heart that gets dumped on by the rest. This will pass and you will not have anything to feel guilty about.

Ainhisg · ‎03-09-2010

@moon_gazer wrote:
First, let me say, "bless your heart for what you are doing for your mother". I know it is hard because I have been in the same situation as you with my father. I only have one sister and she lives about 30 minutes away from me. Somehow, though, because I decided to retire earlier than her (I am 3 yrs. older), she seemed to think it was ok to just let me do everything that our dad needed. She wouldn't even bother to come up on a weekend to visit him. I took him to all of his doctors appointments and spent a great deal of my time with him so that he wouldn't be so lonely.A lot of resentment toward my sister built up over the years. (My dad lived 9 years after we lost my mom). That's a lot of time to be angry. Let me tell you , though, that you will be the one that has peace and comfort after your mom is gone. You will be the lucky one and all your siblings will have missed out on time with mom. They will regret it someday. I am so glad I got to spend so much time with my dad - I got to know a whole side of him that I had never known and I miss him. My sister missed out on that.

This whole thread almost made me cry as I am going through the same thing. I could have written @moon_gazer's post. I retired early and am a very organized person. It willingly fell on me to become the POA and take care of Mom's quite sizeable estate and financial matters after she was diagnosed with dementia. My sister and I divided up the responsibilities. She is an RN with multiple nursing degrees, and she was supposed to take care of all things health-related. plus help me with day-to-day things non-financial. HA!!!!!!!!!! BIG WIND, NO RAIN! I have ended up doing 99% of everything! Mom is in assisted living, so that is a blessing, but I go see her three times a week, take her to all her doctor/dentist appointments, shop for her, take her for rides, take care of all the financial/estate matters, you name it--I do it!

My sister got a new job last fall where she works 10, 12-hour shifts a month leaving 20 days free. When she got the job, she said she'd have time to "help me more with Mom." HA! AGAIN! She has done even LESS now than she ever has. And she only lives 30 minutes away. I am so angry and frustrated that it is beyond belief. I have spoken to her about it, and again I say...big wind, no rain. Many promises and talk of "I'll take care of it," and then she never does.

After the last fiasco last week with things involving my mother's home (needed repairs/cleaning), she responded to me on FB private message saying that she was sorry that she is the weak link in the chain. I did not respond, because it's true! We can't sell my mom's assets as they are wrapped up in a trust, and it is a lot for me to take care of. Thank goodness my husband helps me with everything, because he is the only one I can count on.

My sister's husband told me one time, "All you have to do is ask." I thought I would fly across the table and attack him. lol I told him that I do ask and nothing gets done. Then my sister piped up that it was her fault.

Last week's issues were the last straw. I am not asking her again to do one thing. I will be cordial but that is it. We are so opposite that we would never be friends in real life. Why did I think anything would be different when it comes to taking care of our mother? I don't want family issues, so like I said, I plan to be cordial but cease and desist on trying to get her to do anything to help me. My husband and I will just take care of everything ourselves and be done with it, and I will have to find a way to get over the animosity and resentment that I hold toward my sister.