Wellness

[TX-starlight]

@conlt My heart goes out to also. I was THE sole caregiver to my mother who also had dementia. I had to make all the decisions & constant caregiver all thru her death. It's mentally & physically exhausting. I hope you somehow get the help you need. 

[gmkb]

You are dealing with a similar situation so many here have experienced.  You cannot force others to care, but continue to do what is the correct thing and you will be able to live in peace.  Please don't let this permanently divide brother and sister.  Everyone reacts differently to stressful situations.  This too shall pass and you will have no regrets.

[qualitygal]

Totally understand. You are overwhelmed and exhausted.  I'm sorry you all are having to go through this.  It is a very hard job that you have taken on.  BTDT. In trying to protect and have the best care for your mom there is, you're pulling a heavy load.  In my walk down this road, I've learned some family members don't handle parent care the way we want them to.  But the biggest frustration is just that, they don't meet the care we wish they did.  So.....in saying that, take a deep breath.  You don't have to be at the hospital quite as much.  Get your rest so you can think and take care of her.  The hospital can call you for decisions that need to be made. (You are her POA right?). 

@conlt

[FranandZoe]

Bless you.  You're a wonderful daughter.   You're lucky to have at least 1 brother who is there for you both.  I don't blame you for letting your other brother and sister have it.  Why not tell them how you feel and how selfish they are?  

If you makes you feel any better it's always like this in families.  It always seems to fall on one person - one child - usually a daughter - to do it all for an elderly parent.  Believe me I know.

Take care.  And I hope your Mom is okay and recovering.

[Lucy 13]

 Thank God she has you by her side alot of older people have no one.  When you put your head down at night you can say I'm doing the best that I can.  The old saying goes one mother can take of ten kids but ten kids can't take care of one mother.  Hopefully is has a speedy recovery.

[Skyegirl21]

I’m so sorry.  This will be me. My sister is self- centered...  

A good book ‘The Famuly Guide to Aging Parents’. It has some good ideas.  One thing to TRY, if there is a will and a future estate, have a family meeting, let sibs understand the ones who provides for Mom and make an effort get x%, and the ones who do nothing get x%. Then have Mom update the will accordingly.   Money motivates...

[jlkz]

@conlt

I am truly sorry that you are on this doubly painful journey: the dementia situation and the full responsibility for your mom that seems to have been going on for a very long time.

Of course you snapped:  you have carried all the burden for so long that the branch had to give way.

As other posters have said, at the end of this chapter you will know in your heart that you did everything you could for your mom.  Siblings, well if they have a conscience, they will know that they were lacking.

It always amazes me how we get into these situations.  I learned a long time ago to analyze and play out the long term possibilities before things get out of hand.  Determine what I really need in getting to the final stage and then discussing how to share the work so everyone contributes to the best of their abilities.

First time, it is uncomfortable but nothing like the pain you are now suffering.  I wish you could go back in time and reset the stage to avoid the crushing burden you have carried.

My method of dealing with life issues was developed through my career as a “ project manager “ ( programming manager; budget coordinator; corporate divestiture planner; long range planner; career team coach ).

As the oldest daughter, it was very helpful as my parents went through the different dementia paths and required at times tremendous care.

May you have strength to handle the rest of the journey.  Peace of heart and mind will be your rewards.

[Tuppermore]

My mother-in-law moved in with us when she could no longer be safe on her own.  It was something I didn't think would be a problem.  What I discovered was that my "sweet" mother-in-law had been kept in check by my father-in-law for all of those years.  It was an extremely difficult period.  Her own 2 daughters who are both nurses didn't want her with them, called her about every 2 months, and only came to see her 1 time each in the 2 1/2 years she lived here.  One daughter lived 2 hours away. 

Our family did the best we could.  At times, we just laughed among ourselves which helped when things were hard. She never changed!   We paid for things that she needed, included her in family vacations, took her to the doctor, made a 4 hour trip to visit the graves of family every year, etc., etc.  My husband and I even took care of the funeral arrangements because no one else wanted to.  My husband has 3 siblings.

Here is my point ~ when she finally died, we had no regrets.  No one could say that we had neglected her.  We felt no guilt because we had honored her and cared for her because she was my husband's mother.  Her other children have had a lot of guilt and regrets.  Their lives have not be good as far as relationships with their own children

 We always just did what we thought was best.  If any complaints came our way from her daughters, I would just say if you would like to help, I would be grateful.  They never offered after that.  We decided to take care of her because it was the right thing to do.  She never said thank you and I don't think she appreciated anything.  She was always angry and difficult.  But, we did what was right.  There were many nights I cried myself to sleep because of her cruel words, but I sleep just fine now! 

I am currently going through chemo for breast cancer.  One son calls every day.  One son takes me to chemo so my husband can care for grandchildren.  If that son has a scheduling conflict with his business, the daughter that lives 3 1/2 hours away takes a day off from work and comes to take me.  The example we set for our children is being followed.  I am very proud of them for being so committed.  I am doing very well with chemo and will be done with the worst of it in September. 

It has been a true blessing to see my children be so wonderful.  I knew my husband would be there for me and he does a lot everyday so that I can rest.  I always hoped that my children would help and support us.  They have always helped with the small things if needed.  This time we didn't even have to ask.  They were there for my surgery, have offered to go to doctor appointments, brought food over, and given generously of their time.  It has truly been wonderful to spend extra time with each of them and realize just how much they care about us. 

[Tuppermore]

My mother-in-law moved in with us when she could no longer be safe on her own.  It was something I didn't think would be a problem.  What I discovered was that my "sweet" mother-in-law had been kept in check by my father-in-law for all of those years.  It was an extremely difficult period.  Her own 2 daughters who are both nurses didn't want her with them, called her about every 2 months, and only came to see her 1 time each in the 2 1/2 years she lived here.  One daughter lived 2 hours away. 

Our family did the best we could.  At times, we just laughed among ourselves which helped when things were hard. She never changed!   We paid for things that she needed, included her in family vacations, took her to the doctor, made a 4 hour trip to visit the graves of family every year, etc., etc.  My husband and I even took care of the funeral arrangements because no one else wanted to.  My husband has 3 siblings.

Here is my point ~ when she finally died, we had no regrets.  No one could say that we had neglected her.  We felt no guilt because we had honored her and cared for her because she was my husband's mother.  Her other children have had a lot of guilt and regrets.  Their lives have not be good as far as relationships with their own children

 We always just did what we thought was best.  If any complaints came our way from her daughters, I would just say if you would like to help, I would be grateful.  They never offered after that.  We decided to take care of her because it was the right thing to do.  She never said thank you and I don't think she appreciated anything.  She was always angry and difficult.  But, we did what was right.  There were many nights I cried myself to sleep because of her cruel words, but I sleep just fine now! 

I am currently going through chemo for breast cancer.  One son calls every day.  One son takes me to chemo so my husband can care for grandchildren.  If that son has a scheduling conflict with his business, the daughter that lives 3 1/2 hours away takes a day off from work and comes to take me.  The example we set for our children is being followed.  I am very proud of them for being so committed.  I am doing very well with chemo and will be done with the worst of it in September. 

It has been a true blessing to see my children be so wonderful.  I knew my husband would be there for me and he does a lot everyday so that I can rest.  I always hoped that my children would help and support us.  They have always helped with the small things if needed.  This time we didn't even have to ask.  They were there for my surgery, have offered to go to doctor appointments, brought food over, and given generously of their time.  It has truly been wonderful to spend extra time with each of them and realize just how much they care about us. 

[conlt]

Thank you, you are right, I am exhausted. My sister does not work, she is retired. She has a healing prayer ministry. She travels the world but rarely comes to see my mom. To boot she is a elder care nurse practitioner, but she has not practiced in a long time. When my dad died she was afraid to come. I think her problem is she is afraid to face the real facts that mom may not be here much longer. Same with my other sister and brother. Although my other sister will come help when mom is out of the facilities. I really had a hard time sitting in the ER, finding out about the fracture and especially making the decision to have surgery. At least I have a very good friend who is a physical therapist and she helped me decide. 

[Peaches McPhee]

Others have expressed support and empathy. I am going to offer real, honest advice. Delegate. Your brother asking about the VA? Why no, brother, I haven't had the time. Will you look into it pls? Looking at assistd livings? Divide them up and give each sibling a list to visit/review with a report and deadline. Etc. You can be the sargent, they can be the privates.