I Need Advice... - Page 4

KLm · ‎12-03-2010

This behavior toward you is not love. Anyone who truly loves you will not treat you in a way that makes you feel small or unworthy in any way. Ever. Especially not on purpose.

Going "no contact" is how you deal with this person. That means never again, no excuses. Or your emotions will continue to be manipulated for whatever twisted fix your mother gets from this, always at your expense.

Give yourself permission to allow only people who love you and treat you well into your life. Do not write any letters. Do not let her determine the course of your relationship or decide for you how your life will be lived. You decide.

Accept that you will always feel the absence of a loving mother. It may feel like a hole you carry around with you, but know you deserve better than this.

And find a loving mother figure to fill the job. We are out here.

A person who loves you lifts you up. You deserve nothing less.

happy32 · ‎10-29-2016

@still keeper of the koi....I'm so sorry to hear what your mom put you thru, you did not deserve that. Your husband sounds like a WONDERFUL man, I'm glad you were blessed in that area. I was mentally cheering for him when he stood up and protected you.

@NycVixen I am blessed to have a great mom but I did have to end all contact with someone that was very close to me because it was such a toxic relationship. It's very painful to be on the receiving end of so much negativity and hostility. I learned I couldn't change the other person and that I probably shouldn't try because they have their own journey to take and lessons to learn. All I could do was move out of the range of fire and pray that their hearts heal (from a distance that is).

I think when it's your own mother that is causing so much pain it must be extra painful because we only have one mother and it may seem that everybody else's mother is a loving and caring person. My suggestion would be to try and focus on the wonderful relationships you DO have such as with you spouse and kids. Surround yourself with positive and caring people who will support you and lift you up. Take a moment and fo something nice for yourself to help you feel better, you deserve it.

Sending you, and everyone else that was brave enough to share their experiences on this thread, a very big hug.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@Just Bling wrote:
So sorry, not every relationship is meant to be but Dr Laura
wrote a book Bad Childhood...Good Life.

I understand this book is so valuable it will help anyone to seeks help.

I also would look up her number and call the show in the afternoon's, I understand you can also send an e-mail, I think a professional is the way to go.

@Just Bling I love Dr. Laura but can not find her anymore. Would you tell me where you listen to her on?

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@NycVixen I just wanted to say I have two challenging bio parents also so my heart goes out to you.

Just so you know, you are not alone in what you want to do. I have not seen or heard from my father in over 20 years. He walked out on the family when we were young, kind of went back and forth for 10 years and finally in my mid-20s, I returned the favor and walked out on him.

I realized I had turned myself into every type of pretzel I could for him and it still wasn't good enough. He didn't care. Not about me or anything I did despite his words. I realized I cared more for my own dog then he ever did or could about me. And that's a tough realization to come to about your own parents.

The world says your parents are the ones who will always love and take care of you no matter what. It is the deepest hurt when you realize how untrue that is for you and completely and utterly unfair.

After a breakdown moment which is okay to have and keep having when you need them, you move on because it is the only option. You can't make a parent love you, you can absolutely demand they respect you (boundaries!!) and you can create your own life which you have already done. Good for you! Only you can make you happy.

I find peace in believing my father loves me. I have never had children but I don't think you have one and not think about them from time to time or wonder if they are okay. I may not know for sure if I am in his thoughts but I like to think I creep in from time to time and he smiles.

I honestly believe he is just so damaged probably from things I'll never know that he is obviously not capable of having a productive relationship with my sisters and I. That hurts but he is who he has become and no one can change that except him.

If nothing else, you and I are much better people and stronger for what we've been through and survived. It's not an easy life but it can be a content one by wishing those who wrong us a better existence and move on.

I believe in rising above our poor examples and being kind in this world no matter who we speak to or in what format. And I think most of us get it right a lot of the time.

Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. And please know there is nothing wrong with being your own cheerleader especially when you've lost the ones you should have always had. Or reaching out to strangers like us for a virtual hug and some understanding. Unfortunately, a lot of us have been there too.

Big, HUGE, virtual hugs to you. Don't let anyone bring you down!!

sfnative · ‎03-10-2010

@NycVixen

I'm really sorry to read of your toxic life as it unfolded by various and sundry expressed by your mother. I can't even capitalize the word, when the person involved brings such unhappiness and terror, yes terror, in someone's life. You need to end this to live "clean." Please find a way to do this soon so you can live in peace. You mind and body will love you for it. I promise!

My mother was always "cold," detached, unloving, yelling, screaming, hitting, beating - me, not my sister. I was the extrovert and my sister very, very introvert.

I realized just before I turned 5 that something was terribly wrong with my mother, because all the neighborhood kids were out playing on a beautiful day and our neighbor was walking her two cockerspaniels. We all loved those dogs, so stopped to gaze at them. I asked if I could pet them and she said "Yes," but be careful. Well, both dogs ended up biting me - a bite on each hand - through no fault of my own. I went home crying (my father wasn't home yet) and what does my mother do? She lays into me: screams and yells and spanks me for getting bit by the dogs. Now I ask you: is this normal? Heck no! Even at that age, I knew she was wrong and thus began a different journey with her.

Over the years, I made every attempt to stay clear of her, but my outgoing nature was my downfall. I just couldn't let her have her twisted way and so began arguing with her. This always led to beatings. I would shut down and just endure, which made her more angry, so she would hit harder.

The little scientist mind in me always wanted to diagnose her: something was wrong - what exactly was wrong with her, because it wasn't me. Here's a woman who went to church 2-3 times a week singing the praises of the Lord, yet beat the heck out of her oldest child. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, even to a kid.

I became heavily involved in music, both instrumental and vocal. Many concerts and competitions. I was chosen to speak at functions. I graduated from various institutions. She never attended anything. You know who attended? My Auntie Jay - my Dad's sister. Bless her heart.

Then the A-Ha moment! I was 20, getting married in 8 months, so was going through all of my stuff, getting rid of lots, keeping some. Came across some family photos. Found my parent's wedding photo (they had divorced by then). Took the photo out of the frame, flipped it over, looked at the date (they never talked about the year they were married) and Wah-Lah, there it was. My parents married because she was pregnant with me. They were never in love, simply in lust, when I came along. Turns out "I" started her whole miserable life. When I spoke to her about this, OMG, did she start to rant and the rant started with the fact that she had been r_p_d on the job at the age of 18 and never told anyone. No wonder she was so messed up. Plus she said, "God has made me suffer like this because I was a sinful girl."

In my head I'm thinking, "I don't believe this woman could get a grip. She needs so much therepy it's ridiculous."

There was to be no therapy for her. She would not change. I simply told her what a mean, horrible existence she alone had created for me. I had only one chance to live that life as a child and teenager and she absolutely made my life miserable. As far as I was concerned, she could go and rot in h-e- double toothpicks. (She was appalled at my language. Ooops.)

Never felt better.

The day she passed away I felt nothing. She had died a long time ago.

151949 · ‎03-09-2010

I can't relate to your situation personally, and I do thank God for that! I wanted to say that I think therapy would be your best, and really only effective choice here.

Just Bling · ‎03-10-2010

@panda1234 Sirius Radio Channel 109 everyday from 1-4 pm but I believe the first hour replays the last hour.

She advertises a PODCAST and all the info is on her FB page, I understand Instagram too.

I have learned so much, the family dynamics, knowing myself and lthe list goes and on. I come out of those segments thinking I have a good life and thank goodness I'm not so screwed up or had a bad childhood like a few. Very thankful everyday.

NycVixen · ‎10-15-2010

Reading these stories of similar treatment from others made me realize so many things. There are so many similarities between my life and the stories that it's so unbelievable that we are here on an anonymous thread yet we can connect through these unfortunately sad circumstances.

I'm so sorry to hear that so many relate. This thread has made me realize that this situation has so many layers that have nothing to do with me. She should've either never had children, gone to therapy or both. I realize now that she will never support me or praise me no matter what I do because whatever she feels towards me is not love. She treats my sister much better than me. My father mistreated her and it seems she's taking that out on me and the world.

Basically, there is nothing that can be done to save our relationship. Like I've shared she made me homeless for no reason. She's never supported anything I've ever done. She stopped going to parent-teacher meetings when I was in third grade, never went to see me when I performed in Chorus, didn't go to my H.S or Master's graduations, almost didn't go to my wedding and was not there as the Mother of the Bride; did not help me dress etc. Missed the wedding rehearsal the day before saying she 'forgot' and it was my fault because I didn't remind her.

I was never baptized but I did it myself right before my wedding, didn't go to my confirmation, I had no name for 3 days in the hospital because she wanted a boy and was so devastated. Always put me down physically and I'm never smart enough. I always do something wrong, my miscarriage was my fault. Said I was fat a week after my miscarriage and that I needed to go to the gym. How can I expect to have a relationship. And the list goes on and on...... Too much to list to be honest. This is just off the top of my head.

I don't hate her but maybe if I did my life would be easier. I don't know. I don't want to hate anyone and definitely not her.

I've decided to go no contact. I'm going to focus on myself. Thanks again to everyone that has contributed to this thread. I'm a researcher and I know that sharing and connecting is what has kept me sane . Thanks for all the bravery that has been show here.

~Live with Intention~

Still keeper of the koi · ‎05-04-2017

I am glad you are feeling stronger..We share our hearts with other survivors ,and in doing so we heal a little each time you will see . ..Live in peace,love like crazy, I promise you ,you are stronger than you ever imagined...Sending you love and hugs....Maryanne

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@Just Bling wrote:
@panda1234 Sirius Radio Channel 109 everyday from 1-4 pm but I believe the first hour replays the last hour.

She advertises a PODCAST and all the info is on her FB page, I understand Instagram too.

I have learned so much, the family dynamics, knowing myself and lthe list goes and on. I come out of those segments thinking I have a good life and thank goodness I'm not so screwed up or had a bad childhood like a few. Very thankful everyday.

@Just Bling thank you so much. I feel the same way about her. Several years ago she was on regular radio and I miss her. Her son enlisted in the military, just wondering how he was doing. And you are right, people are screwed up.