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Super Contributor
Posts: 402
Registered: ‎12-03-2010

@NycVixen ...You seem so accomplished.  And I agree that hating your mother is a negative emotion you don't need. Hate just diminishes your life and your spirit. Good luck to you. Be happy.

 

To those of you who have posted such horriffic experiences here, I admire your survival skills ( something no one should have to develop because of parents).  Bless you all.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 702
Registered: ‎08-28-2013

I was able to quit all contact with my mom when i decided i didn't deserve to be treated badly by her and enough is enough..She was highly critical and loves to try to shame you and argue......Its been 4 yrs sense i have seen her..She moved 2 1/2 hrs away 20 yrs ago so we didn't see her much before anyway..I have never got any loving support from her and realized i never will because she is incapable.....My mom is very unhappy& negative and she refuses to take responsibility for how she acts or even try to work on her issues.She never says or does anything wrong so never a apology ...Even as a small child i was treated badly by her She was depressed alot and slept or watched tv..No interaction with her kids.......I send her love, forgiveness and hope she can get some healing before she leaves this planet......I hope you can find the strength to walk away as well.wishing you the best.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,476
Registered: ‎06-25-2012

I see the OP's issue as being BOTH that needs counseling. I'd hate to just blame her mother when I'm sure any relationship contains 2 people. 

"Pure Michigan"
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,522
Registered: ‎06-09-2014

@NycVixen  If you wouldn't take that kind of treatment from a stranger, you also shouldn't take it from a family member.  They don't get a pass.  

 

I think you are on the right path with zero contact for now.  But don't lose hope.  You teach people how to treat you and if she continues to choose bad behavior, she chooses to lose contact with her daughter.  You never know.  She might wake up and realize that's not something she really wants.  

 

And BTW, I look a LOT like my father.  I don't know if you also look like the ex-husband she is mad at but sometimes I wonder if that spurs some of the bad attitude towards me at times.  Doesn't excuse anything and I actually think it's funny since she picked him and chose to make kids with him, not me.  

 

Don't forget to find the humor in the situation when you can.  People who are being ridiculous can be entertainment. I hope you find as I did that distancing yourself from toxic behavior makes you a whole lot happier and a whole light lighter.  Heart        

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,708
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@Still keeper of the koi wrote:

@NycVixen,I need to tell you this.Several Easters ago my mother sat in my home after I had hosted another holiday watching tv.My husband has for many years put aside his feelings knowing how much I wanted her to love me.I walk in sit down and the news comes on, talking about a local woman who drowned her children by driving into the river  and swimming to shore telling how she had been under pressure . my  mother turns to my husband in says in a sweet voice...You know i hate my children, I always have, if I could have killed them and not went to jail I would  have, but I couldn't do jail I am too sensitive... she turned to me and smiled...My sweet husband got up walked to the hall closet and threw her coat and purse at her and told her to get out, and If she didn't he was calling the police.On her way out she says I want my leftovers...My husband shoved her out our door and that was it, he told me no  one hurts you anymore..No one , it's over.... some people  are evil...That is how we find real love, because of them...Maryanne 


That's the description of a scary sociopath and one who is a complete narcissist.  I feel for you.

 

Hyacinth

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,331
Registered: ‎07-24-2013

@NycVixen  

  • You are a SURVIVOR. if you have never gone to therapy and decide to, that is the first thing a therapist will tell you.
  • What was her family of origin like?  were they critical or supportive?
  • Your Values and your Mother's Values are vastly different. Don't try to accomodate Her Values in Your life.
  • You were able to make a life and complete your education without help from Mother
  • You have a healthy relationship with your husband.
  • Be proud of your accomplishments despite her attempts to sabotage your dreams and goals.

 

i am not a therapist and i would not even venture a diagnosis of your mother.  based on my own experience with my mother, may i  recommend  "Will I ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daighter of Narcissistic Mothers"   Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D

 

my mother is a narcisstic person . in a nutshell, i was run out of the house when i was 19.  it was my mother who didnt want me there and she told me i was not wanted. i was not her favorite, i was the elder child, my sister the baby, blonde and very thin.   mother was 26 yrs when i was born.   she has  told me she asked her doctor to terminate the pregnancy. she had already had terminated a pregnancy  before i was born.    she was extremely unhappy with me as a child and even more so as a teen and bided her time until i left home.  i used to think about running away when i was a child.

 

i got married at 20 to a controlling man (just like she was - they say you marry your mother in my case the saying is apt)    there were years and years  i hoped she would change as i became an adult and she would be proud of me or at least say something positive.   i stopped trying and caring so much in my early 30s. i left my ex despite her protests.  i did have therapy, off and on,  starting when i was 25,  i gained insight along the way. it is a process.

 

i wish you the best.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,708
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@NycVixen

 

I would definitely recommend a therapist.  Even if you cut off contact, it will probably still eat at you.  You will need help with that.

 

Even though I had a good mother, I felt she was tough on me.  I took any perceived criticism to heart forever.  My friends said she was hard on me.  I was always trying to live up to her standards.  I felt she didn't like me for some reason.  I was not like her.  She was always really busy, very social, a dynamo.  That is not me!  I love to read, am kind of bookish (have to intellectually understand things), became a nurse and can be clinical. 

 

When I became a mother, I felt she got on me for things!!  Like she thought I didn't put my baby to bed early enough, wasn't real supportive of breastfeeding, bunch of things.  But my daughter turned out to have an autistic disorder, and she helped me enormously.  She helped me keep my sanity!  No one helped more, even not understanding it all.

 

She developed MS and passed away in 2009.  I miss her every day.  Mother issues are so complicated!  I try NOT to give my daughter any issues as she has enough struggles, but I know I am far from perfect.  Becoming a mother myself made me realize how hard being a parent is.  Parents are just people, and some people aren't good for us. 

 

I would try therapy to help with YOUR feelings about pulling away from her.  I guess you will find out if there is any saving of a relationship.  My daughter is 29.  Many of us here would like to hug you!

 

Hyacinth

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,306
Registered: ‎10-15-2010

Re: I Need Advice...

[ Edited ]

I know for certain I need therapy. My insurance doesn't cover it and I can't afford to pay for it at the moment. 

 

Going no contact, heeding advice and learning some coping mechanisms from books is the best I can do for now. I think learning to accept that I will never get what I need from her will go far to manage my unrealistic expectations. 

 

I've been able to go on and build my life without her but the last couple of years I've been struggling having a baby. This has made me more vulnerable to needing her support, which I haven't received. Being pregnant made me crave her love more than ever. 

 

I need to prepare myself for that next time. It blindsided me. I honestly thought she would be there for me as a mother when I was pregnant. I've been totally devastated since my miscarriage and subsequently from her heartless treatment. It's hard to express what I've been through.

 

I have to gain strength to move on so I can fight to have my own family. This has been so hard. Her criticism affects me so much now that I'm so susceptible. I feel like such a failure and she makes that feeling more profound. I have to find my self confidence again so I can move on. Her scathing criticism completely undermines that effort. No contact is the only option. 

 

Many thanks for the words of encouragement, support and understanding. 

~Live with Intention~
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,522
Registered: ‎06-09-2014

@NycVixen  I am so sorry for your recent experiences.  I've never had your particular struggle but I know there are support groups online for free with women who do know.   Go to them.  I'll bet your doctor can even recommend some.  They are who you should get your support from about this not someone who has shown she has no ability to give it.

 

Take care of yourself and concentrate on your husband and accomplishing your family goals.  You'll get there. Smiley Happy Heart 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,589
Registered: ‎03-16-2010

@NycVixen  

 

From what you have shared, it sounds as if your mother suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.  I mean this in the kindest and gentlest way, but can you recognize she isn't being mean to be mean, but rather because she is sick?

 

I have a friend whose mother had several breakdowns and attempted suicides when she reached a milestone birthday.  Initially my friend could not accept that her mom was sick and would often lament "why can't she snap out of it?".  It's not that easy and her mom never was the same beautiful, vibrant, fun, free-spirited woman she once was.

 

I just read you can't afford therapy.  I don't know if this would help, but I believe in self talk with daily affirmations. I actually keep a journal writing my affirmations in calligraphy and adding any art that inspires me.  When I write something it is more helpful than just reading the same thing.

 

I wish you good days ahead.  Sincerely.