Re: Holidays after someone is gone

ID2 · ‎06-25-2012

Yes, the first Christmas after my mom passed away was terrible. But I carry on her legacy by always having the family over to our house and cooking a full dinner for the holidays. It feels like she's there smiling down on us. I can't say missing your family member gets any easier with time, it just changes if that makes any sense.

"Pure Michigan"

Suziepeach · ‎03-10-2010

@ID2 wrote:
Yes, the first Christmas after my mom passed away was terrible. But I carry on her legacy by always having the family over to our house and cooking a full dinner for the holidays. It feels like she's there smiling down on us. I can't say missing your family member gets any easier with time, it just changes if that makes any sense.

**********

@ID2, how very true and it makes perfect sense. You describe how I feel each and every day... Condolences to you for your mom..

Go VOLS
Rocky Top you'll always be home sweet home to me.. Good ole Rocky Top, Rocky Top Tennessee... Rocky Top Tennessee

lulu2 · ‎03-09-2010

@violann wrote:
We are still suffering the tragic and rapid loss of a dear family member.
I remember a time when I had experienced a similar situation, and I avoided and denied and got through it.
With time, I know the rawness is replaced and softened by memories, but do any of you have ANY ways of dealing with a shocking loss followed almost immediately by winter holidays that are enmeshed in the ways that things were celebrated before?

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

Last year was our first year without the patriarch of our family. (we were 4 generations for the previous 10 Christmases)

My father adored Christmas and all my Christmas decor. I tried to focus on that. I will not lie, I did weep a bit when I looked at his empty chair at the head of the table. I set his place and we toasted him, as well as shared Christmas memories.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@violann wrote:
We are still suffering the tragic and rapid loss of a dear family member.
I remember a time when I had experienced a similar situation, and I avoided and denied and got through it.
With time, I know the rawness is replaced and softened by memories, but do any of you have ANY ways of dealing with a shocking loss followed almost immediately by winter holidays that are enmeshed in the ways that things were celebrated before?

@violann I used to facilitate divorce support groups and had some suggestions for those going through breakups when their significant other is gone and life will never be the same .... maybe something will be helpful here.

First, interrupt the patterns ... don't do what you usually do, as it's often just too painful. Whether you do something alone or with family and friends, come up with something different. It could be where you go and what you do, but also change up the meal.

Example ... I went through a devastating breakup in November 1985 and life looked pretty bleak. My sister and I lived in Southern CA and Christmas day tuned out to be warm, about 78 degrees. We went to the beach and went roller skating for ages. Then we went to a rather pretty Mexican restaurant and had margaritas and a lovely meal. We both knew it was Christmas Day, but our activities really made a difference and, all things considered, I had a pretty good day.

After something like this happens, the first year is a whole year of "firsts" without that special person. Expect some bumps, but "interrupting the patterns" can really go a long way to help you through those holidays.

Hope this helps ..... and consider yourself hugged.

Tink

sapphire 2 · ‎12-14-2011

My brother died in May and it has left a big hole in everyone's heart. I talk to my sister-in-law frequently and worry about how she is going to handle this sadness, we are separated by many miles. I offer her as much support as I can. I want her to know she is loved and remind her of the wonferful time she and my brother had doing his lifetime. Say a pray for her to help her to get through this first holiday season alone. Thank you.

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

@Buck-i-Nana wrote:
I'd like add just one more thought.

The common thought is that the holidays should be all happiness and laughter and that's fine, but there is NOTHING WRONG with tears, even tears of grief and sadness at the holidays. Tears are healing and during the holidays, more than ever, those tears can come at unexpected times. Don't hide from them and please don't apologize to anyone for them or chastise yourself for them. I found that first Christmas that my tears seemed more tangible and specific if that makes sense. Up until then, I think I was in a fog just making it through each day. Embracing those ornaments and memories was my first step, I believe, in healing.

The holidays are forever changed, but as time goes by those changes become the new normal and as others have already said, as time goes by the memories offer more joy than sadness. I have to be honest, the sadness never goes completely away. I once told my family Dr that I was afraid I was permanently broken because after 10 years I still had moments of intense sadness. He reassured me that I wasn't broken, I was human and I shouldn't be afraid of the sadness or try to hide it or ignore it. If the sadness is interfering with living it is time to seek counseling, but sadness and grief are part of life.

It has been 14 years since my son died ,at 27, holidays just are not easy, lost my husband in 2013, i fell apart yesterday , did not expect this, just saw something,and i just felt tremendous sadness.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

151949 · ‎03-09-2010

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
@violann wrote:
We are still suffering the tragic and rapid loss of a dear family member.
I remember a time when I had experienced a similar situation, and I avoided and denied and got through it.
With time, I know the rawness is replaced and softened by memories, but do any of you have ANY ways of dealing with a shocking loss followed almost immediately by winter holidays that are enmeshed in the ways that things were celebrated before?
@violann I used to facilitate divorce support groups and had some suggestions for those going through breakups when their significant other is gone and life will never be the same .... maybe something will be helpful here.

First, interrupt the patterns ... don't do what you usually do, as it's often just too painful. Whether you do something alone or with family and friends, come up with something different. It could be where you go and what you do, but also change up the meal.

Example ... I went through a devastating breakup in November 1985 and life looked pretty bleak. My sister and I lived in Southern CA and Christmas day tuned out to be warm, about 78 degrees. We went to the beach and went roller skating for ages. Then we went to a rather pretty Mexican restaurant and had margaritas and a lovely meal. We both knew it was Christmas Day, but our activities really made a difference and, all things considered, I had a pretty good day.

After something like this happens, the first year is a whole year of "firsts" without that special person. Expect some bumps, but "interrupting the patterns" can really go a long way to help you through those holidays.

Hope this helps ..... and consider yourself hugged.

Tink

I couldn't agree more. The first Christmas after my first husband died I had to work so my parents took my stepkids and went to Disney World for Christmas. It was better for all of us. I threw myself into work and completely forgot it was Christmas and my kids had such a good time at Disney they were fine with it.