Wellness

[cotton4me]

My heart goes out to you.  These situations can be difficult.  Sometimes seniors don’t always make the best decisions regarding their care, and we can only do so much.  I had a difficult situation with my mother where she refused to go into assisted living.  Her family lived out of state and offered for her to come live with them or near them, but she refused.  She ended up in the hospital and they recognized that she needed to be in a facility so that’s where she was sent when she was released.  That was a blessing. 

All the best to you and your family.  

[BlueFinch]

@KittySoftPaws I can completely understand your feelings about this long term, deteriorating situation. I promised my mom I would never place her in a nursing home and tried to help her maintain her independence as long as possible.

For over 15 years, I was back and forth at her home, attending to her needs. When her Alzheimer's hit a crescendo, the last three years plus of her life, I hired a 24hr a day sitter (retired LVN) for her safety, which was very expensive. I was in charge of nursing needs, still running back and forth. It was a very difficult time. Basically, I sacrificed some of the prime years of my life in duty to my mom's requests. 

Looking back, I've learned that sometimes we have to go against what someone requests, when it's unreasonable and no longer safe. I wouldn't do it again. It aged me, it changed me. It's like my free child exited my body, never to return.

So I would never think -- live and let live, we have to help make the decisions, with someone in risky health. I wouldn't take on the load that I did again, nor should the individual be left to manage on their own, when we know it's going to be a train wreck. It is a dilemma. 

 During one of my mom's later doc visits, the doc turned to me and unexpectedly said: We're at the point, where your suffering is now much greater than your mom's. She's lost. You need a break. I had always tried to be upbeat with him, but he saw through it all. He was the one who put me in touch with the sitter.

Having learned, I would seek nice placement for my mom in an appropriate medical facility, the last few years, before exhausting myself. Even a 24hr sitter wasn't enough, when my mom could become combative. Anyone dealing with such issues needs a strong support system.  

[Kachina624]

@KittySoftPaws.  Sounds like this elderly woman's family has blown her off when she's obviously not in a state of mind to make wise decisions.  You've got to do what you think is best for you while she founders.  She obviously needs to be in assisted living.  The family should insist on it.

[LindaSal]

@KittySoftPaws Let me just say, been there, done that.   We went through the same type of scenario with my MIL.   DH has 3 siblings who are local but never offered to help us.

We did finally get her to go into assisted living after being at her beck and call for several years before that.   She could not accept her age and losing most of her independence so she lashed out at us and all we did for her was never good enough.  I know what you are going through and I totally get it.  People say "oh I would never do this or that"........

if you haven't been through this situation you have no idea what it's like and everyone's family and situation is unique.

Fast forward, MIL took a bad fall and also could not reach her EM button.  She laid on the bathroom floor all night long until housekeeping came in the morning.  She was taken to the hospital and passed away 4 weeks later at 91.   It was a blessing as it was killing us healthwise and emotionally.  Godspeed.

@BlueFinch Bless you. I totally understand.

[KittySoftPaws]

@BlueFinch  Yes, it does change you because it becomes all consuming and without even realizing it the person in need begins to demand more and more all the while not realizing what the person caring for them is sacrificing. After 4 years of caring for her with zero help,  pleading with her to decide on either assisted living or an apartment, taking her to both several times, we said we have to go on with our lives. It was costing us more and more, mentally and finacially. We have, and still are, contemplating divorce because of the ****** she put us through. She was bad mouthing me all the time to anyone who would listen as she wanted her son all to herself. Like my old Boss used to always say, "no good deed goes unpunished" We then sold my home, and were sitting on money to hopefully purchase another one. We were living in her home that was so not conducive for us and she knew that. When we finally made plans to leave, she came to us and said, "I will sell this home and we can put our monies together and get a home that is conducive to all of us as long as you continue to care for me until you can't or until I pass and then the home will belong to you both. We decided that it was the best decision for all of us, so we cancelled our rental and our move that took alot of doing to get. After looking at several homes, she then pulled the rug out from under us and said "I'm sorry I mislead you, I can't do this." Now you may understand more why I say "live and let live" she has the finacial and cognitive resources to make decisions for herself, but chose not to because she was beyond selfish and was only concerned for her own needs. Some decisions have consequences. I have forgiven her, and I still want the best for her, but I will not carry around anymore negative feelings in regards to her as it has taken enough out of me. My husband, her son, has had a much harder time with it. Regretably too, I would never do this again, nor would I ever put any of my family that I loved, in this position. My Mother never would have either. 

[Desertdi]

Assisted living apartments in my area run about $14,000 a MONTH.   (Yes, I have priced them.)

This could be a challenge for people who don't have the assets to cover such an expense.

[KittySoftPaws]

@LindaSal  I still feel good about myself in that I helped her when no one else would. The sacrifices now however seem like all for nothing. If she had only appreciated us and treated us with the same regard, we would all be in a better positon today. Despite that, I still believe everything happens for a reason, even those we don't always understand. I harbour no resentment for her and still wish her the best. 

[GingerHead]

@KittySoftPaws 

Sounds like you've been through a lot and I think it was very kind of ya'll to take care of her, it doesn't sound like she or her other children made it easy for you.

Being a care giver is so so hard.

My dad lived with us for a year while going through cancer treatment. When he got here he was literally at deaths door but with chemo he has since recovered and left. 

That was the hardest year of mine and my husband's life and I now have a better insight into just how terribly hard being a care giver is. 

Don't feel guilty, you can't sacrifice your life, marriage and happiness. 

Wanting and seeking out your own happiness and sanity is not selfish, you can only do so much sometimes.

Sorry you're going through this and I wish you all well....

[jlkz]

@BlueFinch 

My mom lasted almost 5 years in assisted living / memory care / nursing home before passing.  As the oldest daughter, my biggest battles were with my dad: it took him a long, long time to understand Alzheimer's.

When my mom went into assisted living mixed with memory care ( it was not the best type of facility as we discovered ), she became very combative.  She  had a cane that she used on the staff; graduated to a wheel chair and still weaponized it; taken to a lockdown hospital unit.

All this came as a total shock because she had been the most compliant, mild-mannered person !

That combative stage did ultimately pass and we found a facility that was totally dedicated to memory care.  Unfortunately, the disease rapidly progressed and she had to transfer to a nursing facility.

[Desertdi]

@jlkz 

I had MANY of the same problems as you did.    In fact, my mother didn't even know who I was, and thought I was trying to "steal her money".      I went thru 14 years of that.    di