Wellness

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 5/6/2014 Jules5280 said:

Mistri, I type this with tears streaming down my face. You were there with your dad, and he was aware of it, trust me. He had comfort with the time you spent with him. I happened to be with my dad also, but holding his hand in those last couple hours.... and it seemed like he was just hanging on for me when he wanted to go. I knew his time was coming, but it was painful to watch his breathing get more labored. I finally just kissed him and held him and told him it was okay to go be with my mom, and it was only a few short minutes later he passed. It was not pretty to watch. I think our loved ones want us to be away at that moment, but I wasn't around for my mother's death, and it would have been more for me to bear if after all the time I spent caring for my daddy, I wasn't there with him. I actually found more peace viewing him one final time at the mortuary before he was cremated....he actually looked peaceful, and that is how I prefer to remember him.

You were there for your father, he knew it, and that is what matters. He was aware of your presence, your love, your comfort.... you allowed him to move on without being alone. There is no proper way to lose a loved one, especially a parent you cherish..... you did so much for him, and I am sure he was so proud and thankful for you. ((((hugs))))

Thank you so much for your kindness, Jules. I know you are grieving as well. (((Jules)))

I apologize for not responding much; I think the whole process has been complicated by the other things happening around me (change in the family structure, the sense that I don't know my own family members, etc.). I've been pretty freaked out by how much my world has been turned on its head. I feel like my parents' marriage was a sham, like my brother is a stranger, like I didn't know my dad, like my mother will never "get" where I'm coming from or what my father went through...and like her anger wouldn't allow her to feel empathy for my dad, even if she tried.

You see, for quite some time, my mom has known that she was my dad's second choice. I knew of the woman he dated before my mom, but I didn't think he still pined for her. I was wrong.

One night my brother said that we weren't supposed to be. He was drunk, but I knew what he meant. He and I were born to two people who shouldn't have married.

My mom showed me a printout tonight that my dad made about 2 1/2 months ago. She'd found it under the pile of birthday cards he received this year. This was it:

LITTLE RIVER BAND
"Lonesome Loser"

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Oooooooh-hooooooo-hooooooo
Oooooooh-ooooooh-hoooooooo

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Unlucky in love
Least that's what they say
He lost his head
And he gambled his heart away
He still keeps searching
Though there's nothing left
Staked his heart and lost
Now he has to pay the cost

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

"It's okay", he smiles and says
Though this loneliness is driving him crazy
He don't show what goes on in his head
But if you watch very close you'll see it all

[Instrumental Interlude]

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Have you heard about the lonesome loser

Have you heard about the lonesome loser

Have you heard about the lonesome loser

Now tell me have you heard about the lonesome loser

[Copied from oldielyrics.com]

[ive been framed]

Oh Mistri. We all go through the "What If..." and "If Only..."

It is soooo easy to look into the rearview mirror of our lives. What we remember is not always accurate. There is no way to know if things would have been better for your parents if they never met or married other people. Who can say if the other woman would have felt the same about your dad for all these years? You are not responsible for your parent's choices they made in their life. My father married 4 times... it took 50 years for him to face the fact that my mom wasn't the problem, or his 2nd wife, or 3rd....

Don't beat yourself up trying to figure out why your mom and dad did what they did. You did all you could do as their daughter, when they would let you. And many MANY children would have washed their hands of the responsibilities in exasperation. But you stepped up to the plate and did your best, even with all the personal stuff you have been facing. I'm proud of you!

Your brother and mom are hurting too. Everyone mourns in their own way, add old wounds on top of all this...

I think now is a good time for you to focus on you, get through your grief as best you can while keeping occupied with work, reading, anything. You are a terrific writer! Get all the emotions down on paper! No one ever has to see!

(((hugs))

[Starlight1_1]

You motivate yourself because no one is more important in your life then you! Get out there and enjoy! Feel better soon!

[LilacTree]

Hello Mistri ~

After reading these comments (which I have read frequently over the months), and the many truly sincere thoughts expressed in the more recent VP threads, I feel inadequate to respond with anything but my sincere condolences. It is obvious you are a very beloved poster on this BB, and my personal experience with you, though limited, made you special to me a long time ago.

I have always thought of you as a strong young woman and I know you will find your way in this new life you now have to face. From personal experience, I know one never "gets over" such a turning point in one's life. Rather, one just gets used to the hole, and goes on. You have many years to accomplish many things, and I know you will.

[fortune]

As I was playing with my dog, Jasper, I thought of something important. He's always happy! It came to me that it's because he lives in the "Now."

He doesn't sit and get upset about the neighbor's dog growling at him the other day. He doesn't look out the window and worry about getting hit by one of the cars he sees.

Oh if we could just train ourselves to stay in the present (as much as possible), we'd be happy, too!! Or at least we'd be happier--without memories of past unhappiness or future fears.

[hckynut]

I had my regular 6 month visit with my new Psychiatrist Monday. The one I was seeing for 17 years decided to start working for the VA in our city. From what is happening with the VA right now?

Anyway I found this new guy that is in the same office and my visits for the last many years have been pretty much to see how I am doing and in order to renew my prescriptions I have to see this doctor at least once a year. I have always been more comfortable going every 6 months in place of annually. It may not be necessary for me, but with these 2 types of issues I was hospitalized with for 7+ days? I want to keep it on the safer side for myself.

To all that suffer from either of the 2 conditions, which I will always consider myself "in recovery", I understand the trauma caused by them and how it makes you feel like there is really absolutely no reason to keep on living. I've been there and it surpasses any and all the many physical illnesses and injuries I have experienced over my many years. None of the others even come close.

Always tell yourself that "this too shall pass" and follow whatever program your professional as decided would work the best for you.

My best to all of you,

[fortune]

My best wishes to you, John!! You've helped many people on this board and their friends and families, too!! You're such a role model for your strength and wisdom! Hope your wife is doing just fine now! She's a lucky woman!

[hsawaknow]

I'm sorry about your loss. I lost my mom when I was 20. I had depression starting at 8 years old but didnt know what it was. I have been hospitalized twice. They are not what you think. They help you 24 hours a days and give you the tools you need to deal with depression. If you feel your going to harm yourself , please go to a hospital. In time (and it takes a long time)you will feel better but ultimately you will have to have it. Good luck

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 5/14/2014 Fortune said:

Dear Mistri, I'm so sorry that you feel so bad and that your family members don't seem to be helping. You are in the grieving process now, and you will feel better if you don't expect too much from yourself right now. Does your "sister" act like anything is wrong, or is she just going about business as usual--being the Queen of the Realm?

Is your Mom up and about or is she in bed a lot. Have you moved back to your house? Are you working yet? After my son died, I felt a lot like you do. Although I did go back to work after about two weeks off. I found that one can only think of one thing at a time, and when I was working, it took my mind off things.

Working in your yard might be a good past-time. It will be therapeutic and you'll feel like you've accomplished something.

My thoughts have been with you and I hope I can be of help to you! You are a strong, smart, and capable person, Mistri! Have faith in yourself!!!

Fortune, I don't know how you got through the death of your son, I really don't.

I have not returned to work yet. I still cry at least once a day, sometimes at the most inopportune times. I'm kind of afraid to try to go back and wait tables again, because I know I will wind up crying at work at times, and I don't want to start crying in front of customers. I also don't smile a whole lot anymore, and it's kind of a job requirement to do so.

Anyway, I'll be back there soon regardless. I don't have any choice. I'm not really in a good frame of mind to go job hunting; I really feel like it is the best thing to go back to something familiar.

I did mow the front yard today, even though I really did not feel like it. Everything feels like such a pain in the you-know-what, and the sunshine doesn't even seem to help my mood.

I'm really glad my mom has my "sister" with her. My mom gets irritated with her though, because she's so clingy. The poor doggy is just afraid she will leave and not come back, I think. I can understand that.

I couldn't get ahold of my mom Friday night, then Saturday morning, and by the afternoon I was scared. I went over to her house and she was sleeping. I guess I was just afraid that she was spending too much time in bed and may have developed another blood clot...or she had fallen down the stairs or something...who knows? ::sigh::

Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm doing "well." It's a struggle right now. Soon it will be a month since my dad passed. I don't have a grave to visit. There was no service. All I have is a heart-shaped, engraved container that holds part of my father's ashes.

I miss him...a whole lot.

[krissie622]

Mistri, I can't tell you how much I have learned from and been comforted by this thread. Thank you for your courage in starting and continuing it. My heart and prayers are so with you, and I'm sending you big cyber hugs. Hang in there sweetie.