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Hi guys. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a long time. I have been struggling with some things that I felt uncomfortable talking about.
As it turns out, I learned a lot about my dad and about my brother after my dad died...and I fear that my mother may be seriously ill, but she will not go to the doctor.
The crisis I am most acutely dealing with today has to do with some things my brother told me not long after Dad died...while he was drunk. At first, he was vague. Then he told me about things dad had done to him that were abusive that I didn't know about (I thought I was the kid Dad took his anger out on...but we both were). He told me that he'd had some dissociative episodes, and that he'd been suicidal. He also told me some things that may or may not have happened; they sounded plausible but kind of far-fetched. I was already worried by the things he'd said when he dropped the bombshell...that he is transgender. I nearly fell off my chair, but tried to maintain my composure. He asked me if I knew what that meant. I told him I knew quite a bit about it, academically, and from having had a few transgender friends. I asked him some questions, and I wound up telling him that he can try to continue to outrun and/or suppress his feelings, but they will keep coming back. I told him to have the names of some good counselors on hand, and to expect that his feelings will come to a head when his kids move out, if not sooner. I was very clear with him that he should not kid himself into believing that his feelings will go away. (He's been dealing with this privately since he was a toddler. I had no idea.)
So, I'm not only worried about his general mental health (depression, possible delusions...but maybe not), I'm worried about what will become of him.
He told my mother last night that he is going to start female hormones and get electrolysis to begin transitioning. I am afraid.
I am afraid that he will lose his job, lose his family, be discriminated against, be the victim of a hate crime, have medical complications related to transitioning, etc. I feel terrible for my sister-in-law, because he married her without letting her know he had these feelings...feelings he couldn't come to terms with himself, let alone talk to her about. I fear for what my niece and nephew will have to go through. I fear that my mother and I may not see much of my niece and nephew if my brother and sister-in-law get divorced.
In addition to all of this, I feel a new sense of grief washing over me...I will be losing my brother. The person I knew--or thought I knew--will be gone. (And after some things of my dad's I've found, I question whether or not I ever knew him either. In fact, I have serious doubts that one person can ever truly know another.)
I don't even know where to start with what's happening to my mother. She has a cough that will not go away, even after 2 rounds of antibiotics. My father had a cough that wouldn't go away for the last year or so of his life. I'm afraid that the cancer they found in her thyroid when they removed it may not have been completely cured as the surgeon proclaimed. She admitted that swallowing food sometimes brings on coughing fits, which just scared the s*** out of me more. I keep bugging her to get a barium swallow test done, and an endoscopy, but she keeps resisting and putting it off. I'm pretty sure she's scared too.
After my dad died, my brother found hundreds of pages of printed material in the basement--as well as a "Paladin-Press"-type book--that suggested he was fixated on his--very deep-seated--anger. The printouts were made at various points over a span of a few decades, and my mother told me that she once found questionable reading material in his briefcase. I never told anyone, but I also found some things on the search history of his IPod touch that made me wonder who in the h*** he was. He'd apparently also been in contact with his college girlfriend...the one who was his first choice, but she got away. (My mom was his second choice.)
I am at a point where I tremble when I think about all of this. I'm anxious for all of the above reasons, but I am also very depressed. I sometimes want to talk to my mom about things, but she has decided that I am not allowed to talk to her about certain subjects, so our relationship is strained. She also seems to be getting rid of Dad's things as quickly as she can. She stopped wearing her wedding ring in December. She keeps his urn packed away in a cardboard box. I asked her if she'd like for me to make her a shadowbox of some of their old memorabilia, and she said no...that she didn't want to have to look at it each day. I told her she could tuck it away in a room she doesn't really use, and she still wanted nothing to do with the idea. She is actively trying to forget him. I can kind of understand why, but it's very hard for me to witness. Also, my brother has told me to stop trying to figure out who Dad really was and to let the matter go...but it's not in my nature. I think my brother is afraid that he will learn something that will make him not love Dad anymore, but I'm not afraid of that; I just want to know who Dad was. I know I will love him regardless of what I find out, so I am not deterred by that fear. I am sort of afraid that I will find out devastating things, but I feel a need to know who this man is who I knew for over 3 decades, and yet, didn't know.
So anyway...that is a large portion of what I've been trying to handle. I've been reluctant to post all of this here because I knew some jack*** would probably come along and say I'm lying. I guess I can kind of understand why someone would think that...all of the stuff about my dad and brother is stuff I never would've dreamed I'd be typing about a year ago.
I feel so utterly out of control of the situations with my mom and brother that I haven't been eating well. I'm scared, I'm depressed and I cannot get a decent night's sleep to save my life. I have nightmares every night...many of them involve my father. I take medications to sleep and I see a counselor.
I feel like I am caught in some sort of crazy nightmare. I feel very alone.
Sorry if this post was a big downer.
The good news is, I got a new car...so that's something. 
Mistri, welcome back, I've missed you and been very concerned. I saw your post in the pizza thread and then found you here. It's nice to know that you're alright, at least as much as you can be under the circumstances. You certainly have been through so much in the past year, and all your feelings are completely understandable. While I do know some transgender people, in fact I work with a man who is becoming a woman, I don't understand enough about it clinically to be helpful. I do agree with you that what your brother is experiencing is not a phase and not something that can be suppressed. And you are correct that this disclosure will have deep repercussions in many ways, but hopefully some positive will come of it, not only for your brother but for all of your family. It's no wonder you are feeling so stressed and that your health is suffering, but try and take good care of yourself. I know you are doing all you can. Please don't feel alone, you have many people here that care so much for you and will always be here to listen and try to help. I will continue to think good thoughts for you, and again, I'm very glad to see you back around. Until next time, hope you have a good day.
Best always,
Jules
P.S. Congrats on the new car! That is something good. 
I feel so utterly out of control of the situations with my mom and brother that I haven't been eating well. I'm scared, I'm depressed and I cannot get a decent night's sleep to save my life. I have nightmares every night...many of them involve my father. I take medications to sleep and I see a counselor.
I feel like I am caught in some sort of crazy nightmare. I feel very alone.
Sorry if this post was a big downer.
The good news is, I got a new car...so that's something.
A LOT of depression is just anger turned inward...and feeling out of control and being unable to effect a situation that is bothering you - in a positive manner.
So my suggestion is to find things you CAN control and focus on them. Getting a new car was a good thing, a great way to pamper yourself...what else can you do and can control? Do you have a pet - a dog you can walk, a cat you can play with? If not, can you get a pet?
Do you exercise regularly? Even something as simple as a 20 minute walk in the sunshine can help.
Can you do some "spring cleaning"??? De-clutter? - paint a wall a bright color? Plant some herbs or annuals? Something where an hour or two of work can produce a pretty cheerful addition to your daily life. Nothing intense that will take a lot of time or energy...just something fun and somewhat distracting.
Maybe go for a long ride in the new car to somewhere you always wanted to explore - a museum, a new shopping center, a street fair.
Do you enjoy watching movies? Reading books? Again something to take your mind off of thoughts of situations you cannot change.
Again, try to choose something that can be done in a few hours...preferably something that involves walking and can somewhat tire you out.
Posting here was a great first step...now come up with something fun and let us know what you decided to do.
(((mistri))) Many of us have asked about you so many times. Even though I see life continues to be complex and disheartening for you, I'm so relieved and encouraged to see you here.
terrier has so many good suggestions. This entire thread has wonderful information, although you might find it painful to read back and see your posts from the past.
I know you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway: as hard as it might be to do so, try to remember your worries about your loved ones are more likely to make you sad, or ill, than to be productive. I believe you're a dedicated "helper" to your family and friends, to the detriment of your own well-being, though I understand it's only an observation from the distance of an anonymous forum and I'm no therapist.
Please, try to concentrate on your own well-being. It might seem selfish, but it's important. And you can't be of service to others if you're not doing well. Take care, and please do try to stay in touch with us. Sending good vibes to you, as always.
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