Depression and talkin to your spouse - Page 2

Gram W · ‎01-22-2013

I suffered from constant headaches that got worse as I got older. Several doctors with no help. My last specialist, after several other ideas, said I was having a hard time dealing with my husband's chronic pain and injuries. Like some other doctors if they can't find an answers it must've in your head. He sent me to a clinical psychologist.

The clinical psychologist not only recognized my pain symptoms but talking to her was a wonderful experience learning about how to handle our situation. ( FYI if needed -She sent me out of town to her Obgyn who found I had a prolactin imbalance probably my whole life. He had no idea how I got pregnant.). She said I was handling things well. We discussed the need to watch our codependency as I was his caregiver.

@mishka14. Try to find a good clinical psychologist that you can relate to. I was referred to her as per my words above. After 2 weeks she determined I was fine but I chose to stay longer. I found that she was a very understanding person who knew her profession. I only saw her for several more weeks. She listened, asked questions and seemed to know how to encourage me to think deeply about our life we were unexpectedly given. In our case we had to make sure we did not depend on each other to much. That is something I had never thought of. My discussions with her did me alot of good. When he passed and even now 20+ years later I draw on those lessons when needed.

I was worried about my employment record and having to list her on the forms. The forms do not require you to list a clinical psychologist. It might be easier for you to talk to a trained stranger than people in your daily life. You want to understand your feelings and deal with them. Someone who knows you will probably give many suggestions. They care for you and want to help but they might misunderstand your words. Also your conversations may not be kept confidential. Good luck in your moves forward.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

I love my husband of 43 years dearly, but he is just not wired to be my go to person. I also choose not to share personal issues with my family. I have 2 BFF's who are my go to peeps, and we share thoughts and ideas that have never been shared with anyone else on this earth.

I am a very decisive, focused, centered person and have not yet dealt with any major issues I couldn't handle on my own. If I can't change things, or fix things, I let it go and move on.

roxxy1 · ‎11-12-2016

@Annabellethecat66 wrote:

Many of you have read here how I've 'spoken' about growing up with an Aunt who was bi-polar, etc. Back then (I'm 70) people didn't know much about it. She would spend time in institutions, etc. Anyway, I am mentioning this (again) because I'm someone who's spent a lifetime with it. So many members of my family have it, you have no idea.

Anyway, here's what I'd tell any of you. What can they say? Most people feel helpless and frustrated that they can't do anything to help. We live in a society where it's "take a pill and you'll get better". We now know many things can't be 'cured' by a pill. It's difficult for those who care and can't help.

Anyway, I'll spare you the bla bla. My advice to you and others would be to put it in writing (or type it) however you wish. Pour your heart out on what you are feeling. If it gets too painful, save what you've done for another day and come back to it. It might take days or even longer to finish it, but please do finish it......and save it. Print it out and hand it to anyone who is close to you.

I would tell you though to read it over and be careful to not blame anyone and not say things like, "you don't understand". Of course they don't understand. You didn't until you experienced it.

Be kind and just keep it to how you feel. If I were you I'd probably even keep a kind of diary for days or from now on.

Many times it is difficult to put into verbal works one's emotions. Often it's easier to express emotions in writing (or typing).

This is what I'd do if I were experiencing depression. Right now we are dealing with my little sister who has been in a very, very deep state of depression. My other little sister is going crazy trying to help her to no avail.

It's difficult for everyone. Please remember that too.

@Annabellethecat66 Prayers for you and your family........

AngelPuppy1 · ‎03-13-2010

@mishka14 wrote:
I am on anti-depression meds. Whenever I am having a bad anxiet/depressiion day and try to talk to my husband about it, he has nothing to say and gives me the impression he wish I would not speak of it...and it just go away.

Anyone have a similiar problems and how do you deal with your spouse or family not wanting to talk about this subject?

@mishka14

I think a lot of people are still very uncomfortable dealing with anxiety, depression and other issues such as this. They just don't seem to know how to talk about it or how to approach it, or help someone who has these conditions. I think you are so brave to do what you are doing. Many who could benefit from taking a med will not do so as they think they are weak or it has a stigma to it. This is a positive step toward feeling better. I honestly think that a lot of men (women, too) are not able to articulate their feelings well. I am sure he is very concerned about you but is not very good at showing it. I would try and find a time when it is calm -- no pressing matters --- no game on t.v. that he is trying to watch --- and say --- you, know, I really want to talk, honey. I need your support. Just let him know how you feel and that you need his assistance and support and are open to his suggestions. Just because he seems uncomfortable with this, doesn't necessarily mean, that he is not caring or wanting to help you. I wish you all the best!!!

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin

JobGirl · ‎12-30-2010

@software wrote:
Why don't you ask if he could set aside a time once a week or something to chat, maybe go to a private table at a coffee shop or a park or something. Maybe he is otherwise pre-occupied when you want to talk.

It would do you both good.
I don't think I could live with someone so uncaring.

@mishka14

I don't really think its fair to call him an uncaring person-many people, often men aren't very good with certain subjects especially when they can't help or "fix" a situation

He just simply may not understand as many people don't something as complicated and personal and individual as depression can be

software · ‎06-08-2016

@JobGirl wrote:
@software wrote:
Why don't you ask if he could set aside a time once a week or something to chat, maybe go to a private table at a coffee shop or a park or something. Maybe he is otherwise pre-occupied when you want to talk.

It would do you both good.
I don't think I could live with someone so uncaring.

@mishka14
I don't really think its fair to call him an uncaring person-many people, often men aren't very good with certain subjects especially when they can't help or "fix" a situation
He just simply may not understand as many people don't something as complicated and personal and individual as depression can be

"In sickness and health."

It's her HUSBAND, not some random guy in the coffee line.

Whether he understands or not --- and who really does --- he should at the very least show compassion and empathy.

We're all strangers here and we are showing her more compassion than he is.

JobGirl · ‎12-30-2010

@software wrote:
@JobGirl wrote:
@software wrote:
Why don't you ask if he could set aside a time once a week or something to chat, maybe go to a private table at a coffee shop or a park or something. Maybe he is otherwise pre-occupied when you want to talk.

It would do you both good.
I don't think I could live with someone so uncaring.

@mishka14
I don't really think its fair to call him an uncaring person-many people, often men aren't very good with certain subjects especially when they can't help or "fix" a situation
He just simply may not understand as many people don't something as complicated and personal and individual as depression can be

"In sickness and health."
It's her HUSBAND, not some random guy in the coffee line.
Whether he understands or not --- and who really does --- he should at the very least show compassion and empathy.

We're all strangers here and we are showing her more compassion than he is.

Yes and he's not leaving her

but if he doesn;t know how to help her maybe saying nothing in his mind may be better than saying the wrong thing

In sickness and in health doesn't suddenly mean he's equipped to deal with things emotionally he may not be capable of or comfortable discussing if he doesn't understand it

That doesn't automatically make him uncaring -maybe he shows it in other ways he;s just not a "talker"

some people aren't made that way doesn't make them bad or uncaring people

depglass · ‎03-10-2010

I am married to one of these guys that just can't deal with serious illness. So he goes into denial and acts tough. I understand the root of this, his mothe was hospitalized with MS when he was 10 and never came home, dying many years later. He and his two brothers were raised by a military father. So talking to him is out of the question, I just accept his good points and ignore this one.

gmkb · ‎07-29-2012

Men are 'fixers'; if they can't fix the problem they don't want to deal with it.

There is no way he can fix your depression problem. A therapist is the appropriate person to help you.

lulu2 · ‎03-09-2010

@mishka14

Many people do not understand depression. They think it's bout of sadness or disappointment. They do not understand how a person who seems to have a good and loving life can be depressed.

We have medicine for everything. A pill should cure you. Therapy should cure you.

I wish I could offer you advice. Your husband may be in denial. He could feel guilt that he is the cause of your depression.

Try to see a therapist together.