Wellness

[QueenDanceALot]

Follow your heart.

[LeaLeander]

Jeez, life is too short, OP.

Do you want to be on your deathbed thinking about more of the same or that you finally mustered the courage to dump Mr. Negative and have an adventure? I know what I'd pick.

[LeaLeander]

On 9/29/2014 debcakes said:

Wow, your post sounds like something I could write. My husband is in complete denial that we are done. I have been done for 27 years and asking for divorce for several years. I have been incredibly lonely for all this time. He refuses. He is happy since all he wants is a cook and housekeeper. I would like a friend and someone to whom I am attracted.

You will become very resentful if you do not divorce. As a single woman, you will be able to build your own life and perhaps even find someone you will love.

I don't understand... we all have so few years of life ... why waste 27 of them being lonely and miserable within a marriage? And why does he control it? (you say you have been asking for a divorce for years -- just leave!)

[skuggles]

In situations like yours (the financial dependency) it may be a good idea to consider what is known as an emotional divorce. You stay in the relationship, but you build a life of your own, within the confines of your marriage. Many, many couples do as they get older. Past the 25-30 year mark. You stop expecting needs to be met by your spouse, and you find ways to meet them on your own. You live in the same house, and you cook because YOU need to eat. he can join you, after all he is paying. You clean the areas YOU feel you can't live in with out cleaning. You do it for you. You make new friends and go out with them, by yourself. Many couples sleep in separate beds. You get my drift. I have to say that many also have affairs. I am neither condoning nor condemning it, but it does work for some. It doesn't have to lead to actual divorce, but it can.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingandemotionalissue/f/emotionaldivorc.htm

[HappyDaze]

On 9/29/2014 Cinder63 said:

On 9/29/2014 debcakes said:

Wow, your post sounds like something I could write. My husband is in complete denial that we are done. I have been done for 27 years and asking for divorce for several years. I have been incredibly lonely for all this time. He refuses. He is happy since all he wants is a cook and housekeeper. I would like a friend and someone to whom I am attracted.

You will become very resentful if you do not divorce. As a single woman, you will be able to build your own life and perhaps even find someone you will love.

I don't understand... we all have so few years of life ... why waste 27 of them being lonely and miserable within a marriage? And why does he control it? (you say you have been asking for a divorce for years -- just leave!)

I agree, and it is never too late to leave. If you let fear of the unknown or whatever excuse you use to keep yourself in the miserable situation you are in, then at some point you can only blame yourself for the loneliness and unhappiness you continue to reside in. I will always choose the unknown over misery and unhappiness.

[RinaRina]

Liberate yourself! Dump him!

[wismiss]

Beaches1: There are so many facets to this situation and it did not develop overnight. I, too, have changed dramatically in my independence due to physical limitations. I retired looking forward to retirement, doing this, doing that, etc. And, before I retired I became physically challenged and use a walker 24-7, which puts limitations on my activities. I suffer with pain every day, so I can relate to what you are experiencing.

I noted in your one post that you said if you clean one area, 'THEY' make a mess in another area. If I were in our shoes, with as much understanding as I can glean from your posts, I would:

1) Broach the subject of marriage counseling with either a therapist or your clergy. In that setting, you can express your concern about possible medical problems for your husband, his negativity, etc.

2) If money is available, hire a house cleaner at least every other week if not more often.

3) If you are able, go on one day bus trips with a friend or two to places of interest.

4) Meet friends for lunch once or twice a week.

I know there are probably tons of other ideas but these are ones that came to mind right off the top of my head.

My thoughts are with you and your situation.

[missy1]

On 9/29/2014 pistolino said:

Before taking action on a divorce, please see an attorney to understand what you are and are not entitled to legally and then you'll know better where you stand better financially - with or without him.

Just look at it from every possible angle before pulling the trigger because you don't want to be in a position that's worse off later.

This is what I would do, get a consult with an attorney. Don't let him know you went..... Get your ducks in a row before you file. .You don't want him to empty bank accounts etc......... I would rather be happy and have less. Then be miserable with material things. . If one isn't in this situation, they have no idea. Its exhausting, draining and unhealthy.

[Lucky Charm]

On 9/29/2014 terrier3 said:

I am a p/t family counselor. Most of the clients I see are actually mediating their divorce - the stresses that come with reduced income, relocation, being on your own are considerable.

I strongly suggest you see a counselor by yourself. You sound frustrated...but believe me, you will add considerable stress to your life if you divorce and become financially unstable after age 50 (on top of being in poor health). It won't be a bed of roses.

The only happiness you'll find is happiness within yourself. Maybe talking things out with an objective person will help you put everything into perspective and give you a guideline for how to proceed...

Good luck!

Not good to stay for hopes of getting 'help' because of her disabilities. He isn't helping her now. This marriage is sick. If he doesn't get better, the marriage isn't going to get better and more important the OP isn't going to get better.

I'm not a marriage counselor or have been in a divorce, but I know my happiness trumps a life that s*ucks.

[ANewHue]

On 9/29/2014 skuggles said:

In situations like yours (the financial dependency) it may be a good idea to consider what is known as an emotional divorce. You stay in the relationship, but you build a life of your own, within the confines of your marriage. Many, many couples do as they get older. Past the 25-30 year mark. You stop expecting needs to be met by your spouse, and you find ways to meet them on your own. You live in the same house, and you cook because YOU need to eat. he can join you, after all he is paying. You clean the areas YOU feel you can't live in with out cleaning. You do it for you. You make new friends and go out with them, by yourself. Many couples sleep in separate beds. You get my drift. I have to say that many also have affairs. I am neither condoning nor condemning it, but it does work for some. It doesn't have to lead to actual divorce, but it can.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingandemotionalissue/f/emotionaldivorc.htm

This is how I'm going. You know that saying "you can't change others but you can change yourself". Well that's exactly what I'm doing, I'm waiting for spring because winter is bad for me and I'm taking classes in several things I'm interested in. This may actually snowball into making money in the future and who knows where this will lead. Sorry my things will come first from now on. I will do what makes me happy and what changes I want to make. He did it again tonight, came down with another mysterious illness and I refuse to make an appointment. I told him google the number. You google everything else. It's ridiculous, he acts like an invalid. So girls, thank you all I'm on my way to bigger and better life experiences.