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Super Contributor
Posts: 1,050
Registered: ‎11-13-2014

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

On 12/22/2014 Lindsays Grandma said:

I am so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and hopefully you will get the help you need.

Yes, this must be such a very hard thing to go through for anyone.... prayers sent your way.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,352
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

Please keep us posted. Prayers and hugs to you. I'm so so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

On 12/22/2014 lovejoy2u said:

Hello

My mother who will be 92 in January 2015 has dementia. She was a little violent but never out of control to the extent you are talking about. She only knows my brother who is her caregiver, and I and my daughter sit with her on Monday nights. We take turns while my brother attends his meetings. My family wanted to put her in a nursing home but I refused that idea, however, I think maybe you should consider having her housed in a nursing home. They can sedate her which would help with the violent outbreaks. My mother seems to never sleep and would get out of the house but now there is a deadbolt lock so she can't open the open because it requires a key, therefore she is never left alone to eliminate the need to get out of the house, someone is always with her. I am sorry that you are experiencing this but I truly understand and its heartbreaking to know that your mother doesn't know you, my mother don't know who I am. So I think it might be time for you to look into how to have her put in a nursing home so she can be cared for, assisting living might not be the best way for her being care for. I wish you much success and all of my heartfelt wishes go with you. I know what you are experiencing first hand. God bless you!!!

I doubt assisted living would take her - she needs skilled care and first she needs hospitalized to get her on meds to control her behavior.

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Posts: 2,614
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

On 12/22/2014 namealreadytaken said:
On 12/22/2014 happy housewife said:

Clearly this woman needs to be placed in a hospital where she can be properly medicated to prevent her injuring herself or someone else -- then depending upon how she is after the medications are given would define where she could go long term. As for the OP saying the hospital would not keep her because she was violent - I find that pretty hard to believe because nurses and doctors have to deal with this sort of thing every day - the patient would need to be restrained until she was sedated then sedation and antipsycotic drugs would be used. It is also very clear that she can't be cared for at home.

Just call 911 and tell them she is violent and needs to be hospitalized.

Not all hospitals are equipped to handle violent patients. Very few nursing assistance facilities will accept a violent patient as they are not equipped to. You cannot have a violent person come into a hospital full of physically ill people attacking them and tearing up things. The danger to the patients is tenfold when you have a violent person tearing out tubes, catheters, breaking medicines, etc.

There is help for the OP, through a judge who she can petition to hear her case and have her mother involuntarily committed and evaluated. The police should have already apprised her of this if they found the mother to be violent to such degree she is a harm to herself and others.

No, respectfully, you are wrong. There are powerful anti-psychotic drugs that can be administered in the ER immediately that have the power to completely shut down violent behavior. Think Haldol which is used frequently in emergency settings.

She does not need a judge to hear anything. Everything can be handled through social services directly from the hospital setting. Under no circumstances should she try for guardianship of her mother. Her mother will get services if she is declared indigent and a threat to her daughter. She should tell social services that she will no longer be responsible for her mother and her mother needs to be placed in a different environment...one that is safe.

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Posts: 3,874
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

On 12/22/2014 lovejoy2u said:

Hello

My mother who will be 92 in January 2015 has dementia. She was a little violent but never out of control to the extent you are talking about. She only knows my brother who is her caregiver, and I and my daughter sit with her on Monday nights. We take turns while my brother attends his meetings. My family wanted to put her in a nursing home but I refused that idea, however, I think maybe you should consider having her housed in a nursing home. They can sedate her which would help with the violent outbreaks. My mother seems to never sleep and would get out of the house but now there is a deadbolt lock so she can't open the open because it requires a key, therefore she is never left alone to eliminate the need to get out of the house, someone is always with her. I am sorry that you are experiencing this but I truly understand and its heartbreaking to know that your mother doesn't know you, my mother don't know who I am. So I think it might be time for you to look into how to have her put in a nursing home so she can be cared for, assisting living might not be the best way for her being care for. I wish you much success and all of my heartfelt wishes go with you. I know what you are experiencing first hand. God bless you!!!

I have to wonder why you haven't taken your own advice and placed your mom in a nursing home where she can receive the care she needs -- while you and your family can maintain your own mental and physical health and go on with your lives! When people reach such a state of dementia that they don't even recognize family and are often violent, I see little reason for putting yourself and family members through the stressful misery of trying to provide 24/7 care. Help is available, and your mom would doubtless benefit from round-the-clock medical supervision and management. Of course you will be a regular visitor at her nursing home and be involved in her care............but why do people consider it necessary to exhaust themselves and destroy their own lives trying to care for someone on their own when help is available? When you reach a point where you have to deadbolt your violent family member into her room and someone has to be up all night to watch her, you are seriously out of your depth. I can't think of any reason for this kind of arrangement other than misplaced guilt and/or a desire to conserve funds.

Blessings and wisdom to you and your family.

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Posts: 18,504
Registered: ‎05-23-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

On 12/22/2014 GoodStuff said:
On 12/22/2014 lovejoy2u said:

Hello

My mother who will be 92 in January 2015 has dementia. She was a little violent but never out of control to the extent you are talking about. She only knows my brother who is her caregiver, and I and my daughter sit with her on Monday nights. We take turns while my brother attends his meetings. My family wanted to put her in a nursing home but I refused that idea, however, I think maybe you should consider having her housed in a nursing home. They can sedate her which would help with the violent outbreaks. My mother seems to never sleep and would get out of the house but now there is a deadbolt lock so she can't open the open because it requires a key, therefore she is never left alone to eliminate the need to get out of the house, someone is always with her. I am sorry that you are experiencing this but I truly understand and its heartbreaking to know that your mother doesn't know you, my mother don't know who I am. So I think it might be time for you to look into how to have her put in a nursing home so she can be cared for, assisting living might not be the best way for her being care for. I wish you much success and all of my heartfelt wishes go with you. I know what you are experiencing first hand. God bless you!!!

I have to wonder why you haven't taken your own advice and placed your mom in a nursing home where she can receive the care she needs -- while you and your family can maintain your own mental and physical health and go on with your lives! When people reach such a state of dementia that they don't even recognize family and are often violent, I see little reason for putting yourself and family members through the stressful misery of trying to provide 24/7 care. Help is available, and your mom would doubtless benefit from round-the-clock medical supervision and management. Of course you will be a regular visitor at her nursing home and be involved in her care............but why do people consider it necessary to destroy their own lives trying to care for someone on their own when help is available? When you reach a point where you have to deadbolt your violent family member into her room and someone has to be up all night to watch her, you are seriously out of your depth. I can't think of any reason for this kind of arrangement other than misplaced guilt and/or a desire to conserve funds.

Blessings and wisdom to you and your family.

NM. The internet, or mods, chose to not post 3/4 of my post, so am not up to trying again and possibly have it not post again. Maybe they're getting ready to poof - who knows.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all
Contributor
Posts: 40
Registered: ‎08-25-2013

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

Having just been through this, the best advice I can give is Be Strong and Say No. The person you are dealing with is not the mom you knew, but a lady who is mentally ill and needs professional help. You have to be strong and tell whoever you need to that you cannot care for her in your home and you cannot afford to pay for her care. If you don't, everyone will try to get you to keep her and pay for everything yourself. It's sad, but often times the people we reach out to for help in these situations don't want to do their jobs and just want to use your guilt to push the mentally ill person back onto you.

It is Very hard, make no mistake about it, but it can be done. You can also change organizations you are dealing with if you find the first one you reached out to does not give you the help you need. It's OK to do that. You need to find people to help You as well as help your mom.

I had to handle this situation all alone, and it has been life changing for me. I found inner strength I never knew I had. I had to make many difficult decisions, not second guess them, and keep moving forward. It's OK to say No and not let your mom back into your home. It will be the best thing for both of you. You are on a hard road right now, but stick to your guns and insist your mom be placed someplace where both she and you are safe. Your home is not that place any longer.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Super Contributor
Posts: 281
Registered: ‎02-13-2012

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

I am so sorry that you are going through this with your mother. I hate to even interject an opinion, because it is such a personal situation, but my mother is 91. She is in a nursing home, and she has been combative with the nurses, and verbally abusive. She will not even talk to my brother or myself any longer, as she blames us for putting her in a home. Neither one of us is able to handle her, as we are not young folks, either. They can sedate her when she needs it, and they have restrained her when she was out of control. It breaks my heart for them to restrain her, but I totally understand the necessity for them to do so. Mother mis-treated me growing up, so I have mixed emotions. She has gone for periods in which she does not eat, and she has lost weight to the point that she has lost a considerable amount of weight. I think once your quality of life is gone, living to an old age is not so appealing to you.

I think you would benefit from speaking to a doctor who specializes in geriatrics. Perhaps he could advise you what your options might be. Your mother may not willingly do what is best for her, and everyone concerned, but I know you do not wish for anyone to be physically harmed. God bless.

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Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

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Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

On 12/22/2014 happy housewife said:
On 12/22/2014 namealreadytaken said:
On 12/22/2014 happy housewife said:

Clearly this woman needs to be placed in a hospital where she can be properly medicated to prevent her injuring herself or someone else -- then depending upon how she is after the medications are given would define where she could go long term. As for the OP saying the hospital would not keep her because she was violent - I find that pretty hard to believe because nurses and doctors have to deal with this sort of thing every day - the patient would need to be restrained until she was sedated then sedation and antipsycotic drugs would be used. It is also very clear that she can't be cared for at home.

Just call 911 and tell them she is violent and needs to be hospitalized.

Not all hospitals are equipped to handle violent patients. Very few nursing assistance facilities will accept a violent patient as they are not equipped to. You cannot have a violent person come into a hospital full of physically ill people attacking them and tearing up things. The danger to the patients is tenfold when you have a violent person tearing out tubes, catheters, breaking medicines, etc.

There is help for the OP, through a judge who she can petition to hear her case and have her mother involuntarily committed and evaluated. The police should have already apprised her of this if they found the mother to be violent to such degree she is a harm to herself and others.

Violent patients are brought to emergency rooms all the time. I worked there - i know! They are sedated and restrained asap. Certainly no patient is allowed to affect any other patient's care - non violent or violent - I don't know where you got that idea that you certainly are not aware of how things are done!I have seen patients do everything from trying to kidnap nurses to trying to rape nurses to beating, kicking , screaming , biting , throwing things at nurses. It all gets dealt with - patients get restrained and sedated - happens all the time.

I have a friend whose father has Dementia & is aggressive & violent. He has been in the hospital & re-hab for the last few months. Nursing homes are tunring them left & right, because of his behavior. They finally had to bring him home & get outside nursing help.