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Contributor
Posts: 57
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

Did your mother ever have a will made....because a lawyer can write a document for "" mentally incompetent"".......also do you have power of attorney /durable power of attorney as well........I feel for you......

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,687
Registered: ‎06-19-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

On 12/21/2014 Tahoe65 said:

I forgot to add, she refuses to bathe, I am sure it has been weeks.. daily peeing in her pants, and continues to wear the pee'd on clothing. If I ask her to put clean clothes on, that becomes a problem and more combatitive behavior. She also refuses to brush her hair or teeth. I just don't understand why I am having such a problem getting help in my area (Phoenix AZ).

I do appreciate your suggestions, and will be making phone calls on Monday...

Thank you!

I also live in Arizona. A few years ago my mother who also lived with me became ill. She wasn't violent but had a mean temper on her. She also would pee in her pants and bed. Anyway she became unable to walk so I had to call 911 and have them take her to the hospital. After 10 days they wanted to send her back to me and I said no. I had no way to take care of her and as fragile as she was I was afraid if something went wrong they would get me for elder abuse. Basically I had to become mean and nasty with any case worker who called. Unfortunately that was what I had to do to get someone to listen. They took her to a group home where I would get calls wanting more money, and demanding various resources from me. The answer was always no. Eventually they got the hint I wanted nothing to do with them. My mother passed away last year and unfortunately I had to be a b**** to everyone involved. That was the only way I could get them to listen. It shouldn't have to be that way. Start with the state resources, and make sure you keep every piece of documentation with names and dates. If she goes to a hospital ask that she be assigned a case worker. When they start making demands remember the answer is no. They will try to play the sympathy card and try to make you feel guilty and that you are the most awful person, but they are just doing their job. Don't let them get to you, don't fall for their demands. If she is on a limited income don't give them money out of your pocket. You are not responsible for their bills. They get what they get and no more. It is tough sometimes but it has to be done. Soft raindrops comments above are right.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,752
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

On 12/21/2014 meowing kitty said:
On 12/21/2014 Tahoe65 said:

I forgot to add, she refuses to bathe, I am sure it has been weeks.. daily peeing in her pants, and continues to wear the pee'd on clothing. If I ask her to put clean clothes on, that becomes a problem and more combatitive behavior. She also refuses to brush her hair or teeth. I just don't understand why I am having such a problem getting help in my area (Phoenix AZ).

I do appreciate your suggestions, and will be making phone calls on Monday...

Thank you!

I also live in Arizona. A few years ago my mother who also lived with me became ill. She wasn't violent but had a mean temper on her. She also would pee in her pants and bed. Anyway she became unable to walk so I had to call 911 and have them take her to the hospital. After 10 days they wanted to send her back to me and I said no. I had no way to take care of her and as fragile as she was I was afraid if something went wrong they would get me for elder abuse. Basically I had to become mean and nasty with any case worker who called. Unfortunately that was what I had to do to get someone to listen. They took her to a group home where I would get calls wanting more money, and demanding various resources from me. The answer was always no. Eventually they got the hint I wanted nothing to do with them. My mother passed away last year and unfortunately I had to be a b**** to everyone involved. That was the only way I could get them to listen. It shouldn't have to be that way. Start with the state resources, and make sure you keep every piece of documentation with names and dates. If she goes to a hospital ask that she be assigned a case worker. When they start making demands remember the answer is no. They will try to play the sympathy card and try to make you feel guilty and that you are the most awful person, but they are just doing their job. Don't let them get to you, don't fall for their demands. If she is on a limited income don't give them money out of your pocket. You are not responsible for their bills. They get what they get and no more. It is tough sometimes but it has to be done.

Let me say that I was once in a similar situation and I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Now let me say, I agree with meowing kitty, you have to get tough. Get tough with EMS and get her sent to an ER. Follow in your own car and get tough with the ER Doc. Tell them in no uncertain terms, you will not be taking her home until she is medicated and manageable. (This does not mean you have to take her home, just say it to get her admitted.

Once she is admitted, the hospital social worker will help you get POA and get her committed to an appropriate mental health/nursing home facility.

It's God's job to judge the terrorists. It's our mission to arrange the meeting. U.S. Marines
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,454
Registered: ‎01-13-2013

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

I have read it's very expensive and time-consuming to have Conservatorship declared on a person.

There is no way she could go to Assisted Living.

A city like Phoenix should have plenty of resources....good luck.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,925
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

i am so sorry you are going through such a traumatic experience with your mother.

I think the only advice I can give you is this:

Find and consult with a reputable elder law attorney in your state. A specialist in elder law will know about all of the resources available to you, and will best be able to guide you regarding what is required legally in order for you to establish Power of Attorney rights regarding your mother's medical treatment and residential placement, wherever it might be. It sounds as if you may be able to have your mother declared mentally incompetent (depending upon the laws of your state), considering her failure to bathe and brush her teeth, and her refusal to wearing laundered clothing, in addition to her violence against you. Of course, everything hinges upon the laws in your state.

Please know that it will not be inexpensive to proceed this way. I wish you the best. You do not deserve to be treated this way by your mother. No one does.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 2,621
Registered: ‎04-14-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

I am so sorry, Tahoe. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. I will be praying for your strength and a resolution. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,455
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was a licensed psychologist and winter in Phoenix. The mental health care in az is abysmal compared to my home state. You received some very good advice from meowing kitty. My only other suggestion is to be very assertive and get emts to take her to the er. You can say you are in fear of her violence causing you bodily harm and perhaps death. I do not need to know wher you live but try to get her into a bigger hospital like st. Joseph's or one of the larger Banners. Be strong and if they will not admit her be very adamant that she cannot come home. You can request a 72 hour hold because she is a danger to you and yourself. I have a daughter with my issues and have had to be very obnoxious at times to get help. ((((Hugs)))))
Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,611
Registered: ‎07-28-2012

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

I just want to say that I am so sorry this is happening, to you and to your mother. It is very sad. Best of luck to you in dealing with this situation. I don't have any experience with handling something like this. Fortunately, for me and my mom, she was not violent in any way.

"To each their own, in all things".
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,108
Registered: ‎12-05-2012

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

I know someone who is a social worker who services group homes where folks like your mother are placed and managed with medication. There are live in care givers. The are funded at least in part by the state and also by Medicare/Medicaid.

As sad as your situation is...it is not that uncommon, at least the dementia and violence part coming together.

Also, as has been said almost all major hospitals have psychiatric wards (or can send her to one) where she can be held and evaluated for 3 days whether she wants to or not if she is considered to be a threat to herself or others (ie you).

In nursing homes they give injections when people become combative. Not sure what it is but it calms them down. She needs to be placed in a facility where she can get the care she needs and both of you will be safe.

Also you must consider the safety of your neighbors if she were to get out or start a fire.

Keep us posted. We care.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,611
Registered: ‎05-13-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

OP--You should not have to spend $ to get help and a proper placement for your mother. You have no legal responsibility to house or provide for your mother. She needs to be sedated and cared for in a Medicare/Medicaid nursing home for the rest of her life.

The next time she is violent or threatens violence, call the police and INSIST on filing charges against her. INSIST the police remove her from your home. Then THEY will decide jail or hospital. When jail/hospital calls you, say you will do nothing more for your mother. She will be appointed a ward of the court and be given a professional guardian. THEN after society has done what it should have years ago, you could CHOOSE to visit her in the nursing home, but I advise you to wait a couple months for the system to work as it should.

You are in danger. Don't be in denial, too.