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Occasional Contributor
Posts: 9
Registered: ‎12-13-2011

82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

Hi. I am having a terrible time with my 82 year old mother, who was recently diagnosed with Dementia.

Several years ago she was removed from my home for violence (severe) against me, and we have only recently began talking after 15 yrs. As long as I can remember, since childhood, she has always been very violent, towards family. She has never had any friends.

Last month, there was another "incident", and I had to get Adult Protective Services involved, of whom assisted me in moving her out of state, to live with her sister. Well, 3 weeks later, her sister sent her back to my doorstep. Her sister had her evaluated, and she was diagnosed with Dementia. Her sister paid several thousand dollars to have her placed in an assisted living home. My mother refused to go, and walked out.

One week ago my mother ended up on my doorstep. She was fine for the week, but today, became very violent again towards me (again). I have had to call the police regarding her behavior many many times, in the past 2 years, of which they do nothing. She refuses to leave my home, tells me to get out and that all my belongings in the home are "hers". I have tried to contact the same person from APS, but am only able to leave a message, and they do not return the call. I am at my wits end. I am so exhausted and do not know where else to turn.

She refuses to be seen by a Doctor while in my home. She refuses to accept she has any kind of mental and or dementia problems.

I am afraid for my life, as she has beat me years ago, was arrested, and removed from my home. I know her history, and afraid she will try to harm me, or damage my home and property.

Is there anything else that you could suggest I contact for help? I have tried the police and Adult Protective Service, and am still not getting any assistance in having her removed from my home, and getting the help she needs, I am assuming, would be an assisted living center. She is low income, and I am a single female with limited income as well, so I would not be able to financially assist.

I feel like a hostage in my own home. One of her favorite "games" is claiming elderly abuse, by anyone around her. (She purposely cuts herself and wipes her blood all over everything, furniture, walls and spits on me all the time etc). She has on several occassions grabbed knives and scissors and will charge at you. She continously reverts back to when she was younger and living in various states, as if it was yesterday, is very confused and very mean. She has ok days but mostly worse days,and violent/hostile.

Please do not beat me up, I just need alternative agencies that might be able to help me regarding this matter. I can't take this anymore Smiley Sad Thank you...

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,279
Registered: ‎05-15-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

Tahoe65, First of all let me say how sorry I am that you have to struggle with this every day. It sounds horrible and I'm sure it is.

Your mother is mentally ill. Does she have a dr. in your area? Call the dr. and let him/her know what is going on and ask what he suggests. You need a Case Manager who can evaluate her and advise you.

The next call I think should be to your area's Council on Aging. There should be one in every city or county.

She would have to be moved to a special facility where they could handle her violent tendencies.

Unfortunately, the mother you knew is gone. There just has to be some place where she can live out the rest of her days.

Hopefully others here will have suggestions that may help you. I wish I could do more.

Please keep me updated, if you can.

Super Contributor
Posts: 771
Registered: ‎04-06-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

Omg, HOW AWFUL. Get her out, call the cops, or better yet, go into the police station yourself and make a report and sit down and tell them what is going on. Just be patient and have aplan and by the way, if she is 82 she can't be that strong. She must have a mental hold over you, surely she can not over power you, please toughen up mentally and stop fearing her, she is playing you like a fiddle. if she spits on you, spit right back. Set up a web cam to get some of her actions recorded too. Document and it should be easy, the state is usually more than willling to take elders in to get thier medicare money.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,093
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

Isn't there a process in your area for mental health commitment? If a person is a danger to themselves or others, then they can be involuntarily committed. I would get a record of her behavior by setting up a hidden camera to record her activities. I would also talk to the police about it and any mental health agency in your area.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,064
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

Next time she gets violent, call 911 and have the paramedics take her to the hospital. The doctors there will evaluate her and assign a social or case worker. It's a start. I have been through this myself with a violent mother (who outweighed me, and I was scared, too.)

♥Surface of the Sun♥
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,286
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

Have you spoken to a lawyer about being asking the courts to be named guardian or conservator? The court will want proof that the person is unable to care for herself and that she is a danger to herself and others to grant this for this purpose. You will probably want a complete evaluation by an elder care psychiatrist. If you have a diagnosis by a doctor that's a start. Who has her power of attorney?

Fortēs fortūna adjuvat
Honored Contributor
Posts: 52,194
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

If the state agency charged with assuring the welfare of your mother and you is unresponsive, I'd get on the phone with my state legislators and raise Cain. These people are there 24/7 to handle such situations and they're not doing their job. The squeaky wheel gets the oil so get on the phone and raise a mighty squeak. Once APS counselors know you are willing to raise a fuss about their apathy, you'll get plenty of attention.

I feel so sorry for people with adult family members who have mental illness and are out of control. It's sad beyond belief. What's a person like yourself or an elderly mom with a sick big, hulking son supposed to do? We used to have a system of state mental hospitals but they seem to have disappeared.. My state now has one...for the criminally insane, and that's it.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,871
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

What a sad experience for you and for your mother.

I don't know how to insert a website so you can just click on it, but this site may be of some assistance to you:

www.eldercareteam.com/public/672print.cfm

Copy and paste it into your browser address line. It is very specific of things you should do right away and things that you can do in the next day or two.

I would call your local Alzheimer's Association and ask them if they could refer you to a Geriatric Care Manager and/or an Elder Care Placement Service, or if they know of any Adult Foster Care programs in your area.

You are not alone. If you google "combative dementia", you will find a wealth of information. Some of the people who are caregivers of people with combative dementia share their experiences--what they were confronted with and how/who helped them.

My Mom had Alzheimer's, but not combative. You are being hit with a double whammy and I'll be thinking of you and saying prayers that you are guided to someone who can help you and your Mom.

“I can do things you cannot, you can do things I cannot; together we can do great things.” St.Teresa of Calcutta
Occasional Contributor
Posts: 9
Registered: ‎12-13-2011

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

Several times I have requested that the Police do an involuntary hold for mental evaluation on her, but they always say it is a domestic case and will not assist. My Physician advised not to be with her alone, and if /when she acts up, tell the Police to do the involuntary mental hold.

She was recently evicted from her apartment, at which time she was in a volitile behavior, and that is when Adult P Services got involved and helped send her to her sisters house out of state. I thought I was rid of this nightmare until she showed up in a cab, no prior warning, to my house last week. And now the nightmare continues.....

She refuses to see a Doctor or take meds.

Police/ambulance were called last month before she left out of state, all they would do is bandage her arm that "she" cut and smeared blood all over the walls and furniture.

The local Police are very well aware of her and her behavior and usually tell her to calm down and be nice.

I have called the Agency on Aging, last year.. If I remember, they told me of several homeless shelters I could contact. I can't place her in a homeless shelter, in fear that she will harm others.

Go before a Judge maybe, and plead my concerns? I do remember some agency telling me I need to get POA over her, but I know she wont agree to that.

To top it off, my little doggie of 14 yrs died a few days ago, at home due to old age.. I can't even grieve without her making snide remarks Smiley Sad it hurts....

Occasional Contributor
Posts: 9
Registered: ‎12-13-2011

Re: 82 yr old mother and dementia/very violent...

I forgot to add, she refuses to bathe, I am sure it has been weeks.. daily peeing in her pants, and continues to wear the pee'd on clothing. If I ask her to put clean clothes on, that becomes a problem and more combatitive behavior. She also refuses to brush her hair or teeth. I just don't understand why I am having such a problem getting help in my area (Phoenix AZ).

I do appreciate your suggestions, and will be making phone calls on Monday...

Thank you!