Q Talk

[jubilant]

I did say a prayer for you.  I asked God to give you wisdom as to what to do.  You have been given lots of good advice so it is really up to you now to make your choices.  Live the rest of your years like you are now.....or get support and make a difference in the way you live your life.  Life is short. 

[qvcaddition]

@kaydee50 

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@kaydee50 wrote:

While I'm certainly sympathetic to the OP. she has been married to this abusive man for 20 years!  What I find even sadder is that there are women who will put up with a man's abuse rather than be alone.

I hope she follows the advice of previous posters who told her to find a good lawyer and get out!

You hit the nail on the head.  Afraid to be alone instead of happy and loving themselves and self worth.  Yet it,s not easy, but in time you get stronger and you learn how to take care of yourself and have boundries. 

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[wagirl]

Sounds like you need to talk to a good lawyer specializing in womens issues---and if you have any good friends/family, they need to help you do this----you need to reach out to them for help--I would start writing down EVERYTHING that you just told us about,  as well as any incidences from previous years including dates and time-----make sure your dr/medical team also knows about  your home issues--document everything----I feel for you but you are the one that needs to take the first step---I know that is hugely unfair as you are the victim. Just please be careful.

[Othereeeen]

OP.....the ONLY thing worse than enduring twenty years of such behavior, is enduring it for ONE more day.....

Please take the advice offered and get on with YOUR life....You are, for all intents and purposes, alone NOW.

I guarantee ( from experience) that being alone for real is not as bad as you might think in your mind.

PEACE is so restorative!!!

[drizzellla]

@Pasta Lover 

This statement that you wrote struck a nerve with me - 

" I stay for the medical benefits and feel I have no other way to get out of this torture."  

Since you are 69 years old, are you on Medicare?

[bobby5]

@drizzellla

GREAT point about Medicare!

[qvcaddition]

@Pasta Lover 

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@drizzellla wrote:

@Pasta Lover 

This statement that you wrote struck a nerve with me - 

" I stay for the medical benefits and feel I have no other way to get out of this torture."  

Since you are 69 years old, are you on Medicare?

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In todays world, you can get medical help.  I hate to say it again, but I had 3 small children and no medical until I got a good attorney.  I was even losing the house, until my attorney got me in two weeks before they changed the law where you had to split the cost of the home or pay off the other spouse.

I was not a religious person, but I went to church and God helped me I feel. No one from the church came to offer any help, but good neighbors did and my grandma.

He never paid alimoney, and would deduct the food and gas when he picked up the kids, which wasn't often.  It was very rough.  After not working for 10 years, was a homemaker, I had to go to work, which was even rougher worrying about the kids. We had no day care, just neighbors and grandma, but we made it.  I never went on welfare because I was raised if you could work, that is what you did.  I wish i had, i could have stayed with my kids more.  Two are retired today from very good careers and one will retire in two years.  So being a single mom didn't mean your kids could not be raised to have values.

I tell young women today, keep a seperate bank account, and learn how to do things yourself. Don't just depend on a man to take care of you.  Still be a good wife, but be true to yourself and take in knowledge and be self sufficent. I could write a book on my life and proberly could other women, but you just have yourself to take care of and time to start.

After my kids left home, i remarried, had my own home and got a pre nup.  Don't be neive and stupid.  

Kaiser has a good plan for low income seniors. Won't go into it here, but check it out.  If you make less than 36,000 a year, you get free medical if approved.  You don't pay for prescription, or Dr. visits or any treatments.

You can look for all kinds of excuses because you are afraid, but start making a plan to leave the jerk.  Sorry, but I get angry when women put up with abuse.

I'm 85 today and take care of myself.  I have to laugh when I hear of life coaches that are in their 20's. You can't be a life coach until you have really lived it.

[Vivian]

To the O/P, has your husband's behavior worsened over the last several years? The reason I ask is that IF he has become more violent and abusive, he may be heading for cognitive decline, even dementia. Of course I may be totally wrong. I don't know anything about your family dynamics so take my comments with a grain of salt. 

Regardless of what is at work here, nobody should stay in an abusive relationship. There are agencies that can help. What is most worrisome is that verbal abuse can become physical abuse. You need help and support. You CAN get out of this.

[SeaMaiden]

I do not think these boards are the place to help you. I will pray for you that you are able to leave the  B*****D  or that he comes to some ending that frees you of him.  We all make choices in life, and sadly you chose to remain with him all these years.  You gave him the power....

A lesson for younger women to know that they do not have to live with abuse.  

[Kachina624]

You stay with an abuser and user for the medical benefits?  You do not need a husband to enroll in and use Medicare, and you can ENROLL in your own supplemental plan.  That's a cop out.  You need to see a lawyer about getting away from your present situation.  Only you can take the action necessary to improve your lot in life.  GET STARTED TODAY!