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Contributor
Posts: 47
Registered: ‎08-10-2010

Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

Hi,

I ama 69 yr old woman with various physical and emotional problems.  I have been married to a man for over 20 years who has abused me severely with vertbally & psychologically.  He knew i was sick with stress and anxiety before the marriage but he never cared how sick he makes me.  The constant yelling and screaming eacg day.  My anxiety and depression has worsened greatly!  I never leave the house for weaks unless I have a doctor's appointment or sometimes if I am not sick a hair appointment.  All these years I have cooked and cleaned a huge house alone with no appreciation.  He yells every week and wants me to carry out garbage too.  He always is in a bad mood, freshi talking at me or over me.  Answers me back viciosly.  I have lifted hundreds of pounds carried, and climbed  without help.  Now i have been diagnosed with a huge hernia needing asap surgery.  I ended up in the Er 3 nights ago with terrible pain from it.  To be cruel he made a wrong turn to the ER to make me suffer and the long way.  I have a therapist but she doesn't know anymore what to say.  I stay for the medical benefits and feel I have no other way to get out of this torture.   Please pray for me!

 

Thanks,

Linda S.

 

 

i

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,986
Registered: ‎03-27-2010

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

[ Edited ]

@Pasta Lover   I am so sorry.  Unfortunately, this board can offer you support to help yourself, but only you can take the steps necessary.  

 

You have the ability to leave the house to seek help.....change your therapist if yours is not helpful.  Find a supportive group whether it be at a spiritual center/church/synagogue so you are able to interact with others.  Twelve step programs are free ...you can do an internet search to find one that would be appropriate for you. Some cities offer free group counselfing for situations like yours. If you have family/friends spend some time with them, you may have become isolated and now is the time to reach out.  Be sure you are taking care of yourself...diet, sleep, exercise and stress relief strategies. Have you made an appointment for follow-up on your hernia.  Spend some time in nature and start nurturing yourself.  Be determined to take steps that serve you.  

 

Your thoughts, words, and actions are critical....you are a woman able to make choices. Go to the library and find a book that resonants with you that might help you through this situation and read spiritual books of your choice.  Perspective is everything, you are not a victim, you have choices...all the actions that I have suggested will offer support and possibly lead to you decding to make major changes in your life. 

 

There is so much I could share, but it is inappropriate on a public board.  It is a first step that you reached out....take action, love yourself, seek to take the steps that will nurture you.  Much loveHeart

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,969
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

@Pasta Lover 

 

I am the same age as you and speaking only for myself, I feel as I have aged, I have gotten more frail in both my body and my emotions.  Things I could put up with and handle when I was younger, I struggle with now.  I don't know all your situation and that is your business.  But I want to say, not knowing with clarity, all that you are going through, that I do wish that you could get away from this relationship, which seems very toxic and unhealthy to you.  If you have children, could they offer assistane?  Please speak to your doctors, trusted friend, clergy, church friend --- anyone who could offer some help and advice to you.  If you are able financially to get out of this situation, please do so!  You shouldn't have to live this way if you can find your way clear to remove yourself.  Blessings. 

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin
Valued Contributor
Posts: 825
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

I am so sosrry for what iss happening to youl. I used to be a social worker for CPS.  You can make a referral anonomously to Adult Proctective Services,  There are also women's  shelters that may able to help you.  Do you have any family?

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,121
Registered: ‎03-30-2012

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

@Pasta Lover

phoenixbrd, AngelPuppy1, and QVCPhobe gave you wonderful words of wisdom. Please read what they said & try your best to follow through.
Regular Contributor
Posts: 224
Registered: ‎10-28-2015

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

Good Morning Linda,

1. 69 is not old!!

2. Sounds like you are depressed. Inaction and abuse will do that to any one.

3. Get off the pitty pot and start doing something to help yourself.

4. Make an appointment with a lawyer. He'll fill you in on your protection financilly and     physically under the law.

5. Fire your therapist. If they can't help you with this mess, move on.

6. Make plans for the rest of your life. Step into the sunshine. Smell the roses. 

Most of all, you've got a friend in me. I think that's a song?Woman Happy

 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,121
Registered: ‎03-30-2012

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

@Auntie CC

Amen!
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,224
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

[ Edited ]

NO woman(or man, for that matter)  today has to put up with ANY kind of abuse from a spouse or significant other.

 

 

You have no young kids....But you DO have a house, a husband, and if you're 69, Medicare elegibilty or Medicaid, and Social Security. If there are cash assets, you have that too.

 

You need to see a lawyer TOMORROW.  Assets can be split, married more than ten years and then divorced you will get HIS social security amount if larger than your own benefit ( WITHOUT affecting him....he still gets his)..

 

There are MANY support systems out there for older singles, but start with a trip to the lawyer. 

 

Be safe if you do this. Most domestic abuse injuries and deaths occur when the woman makes the decision to leave and does.

 

Get out the phone book TODAY and find a divorce attorney. Why stay married to someone you hate and who probably hates YOU? 

 

You could live another 25 years. NO WAY should you put up with this. 

 

If you do nothing, NOTHING will change. 

 

Don't let him become your "perpetual problem" that you complain about to everyone who will listen, but then do NOTHING to stop it. 

 

And, not to be obvious, but ALL the things you mention that you "do" are things MOST people do every day or week. I am 65, live alone, and mow, shovel, trim shrubs, shop, take out the trash, change the oil in the mowers, wash windows, keep my home including my garage clean and orderly. 

 

I would not trade ALONE and peace and quiet for ANYTHING!!!!!

 

Good luck Now get that lawyer's number!!!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,997
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

You are not old.  You need to realize you are a worthy person and he is an abuser you need to get away.  

I had this situation in my younger years with 3babies and no job, it was the 60,s.  After I was beaten up badly, almost killed and he demolished the inside of the house in a drunken rage, I left.  

much more to story, even calling the police, who were his buddies, small town, I had to get away.

you have to be strong and care about yourself.  You can complain all you want, but only you can change your situation.  I know it,s not easy, but  only you can do it.  Please start making your plans to do so.  

We had marriage counseling, didn,t help., but you have to want to leave.

today women have rights.  In the 50,s and 60,s we were scrxxxxed. Couldn,t even get a CC.  My babies were 5,7,9, no job, no money, but wonderful people willing to help me when I made up My mind to leave, but it was up to me to take that step.  It was not easy, but I finally found peace and self worth and good people.

You still have a lot of years ahead of you, don,t waste them, life is precious.  I wish I was your age again.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,970
Registered: ‎02-07-2011

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

While I'm certainly sympathetic to the OP. she has been married to this abusive man for 20 years!  What I find even sadder is that there are women who will put up with a man's abuse rather than be alone.

 

I hope she follows the advice of previous posters who told her to find a good lawyer and get out!