Mom to Mom

[SeaMaiden]

Rome was not built in a day.  Do not expect miracles right away...

if they are good kids, be thankful. I am sure they appreciate staying with their Dad and you in the nice structured environment you two are providing them.   Little by little what you offer will rub off on them. Manners are learned. They never had that teaching  of manners it sounds like their entire life until now.

[Its Me LuLuBelle2]

@kittyloo, you are between the rock and the proverbial hard place. Your husband is clearly not going to back your play as he is thrilled to have reconnected with his kids. The kids are clearly not going to give you the respect you deserve as they seemingly weren't raised to respect themselves, let alone others.

The only solution to your dilemma, IMHO, is to step away from trying to change their behavior. Do not allow these two to create a wedge in your very new marriage. Do not alienate your husband by making him take sides. The kids, thankfully, are old enough that you'll only be dealing with this difficult situation for a few short years. I wish you the very best of luck in this very tough position you've been thrown in the middle of. It certainly can't be easy for you. Best, LuLu

[Mom2Dogs]

@kittyloo...I am also a step mother 39 years now, and do not have children of my own..... It is not easy but I think the girls respect me and for the most part we all get along well.  They also had an absent mother, I don't think as bad as what you are dealing with, but I never thought her kids were a priority.  She sent the oldest one to us when she could no longer deal with her!!!!  So a bouncing 16 year old baby girl was dropped off on our front porch...no kidding, she just showed up one day...and mom did not want her back in her home....many states away!

One thing my dh told the girls that when visiting and he was not home, consider what I said to them coming from him.  (he knew I would not over step my bounds, so he was safe in saying that to them).  I never really tried to discipline them to much they were not my kids.

Fast forward and we are all pretty good friends, there is still an issue on occasion with the daughter that is now living back in our area and the one that lived with us....very long story, but I have no expectations, and that makes it easier...

I realize you are dealing with younger kids.  Maybe a short sit down and explain how/when to say thank you, manners, etc, and really they have had no 'teacher' so give them a little slack for the time being....they will learn.

I found that with the daughter that lived with us during her late teen years was fairly easy to talk to...we had many discussions about boys, s*#, boundaries, etc.....something that I do not think her mom talked wih her about.

I would do laundry, sit it on the washer in a tote, it was her job to take to her room and put away, and she was expected to keep her room reasonably clean.    One day we came home and she had trashed the kitchen, I was livid, her dad got her out of bed and made her clean up....she skipped school, claimed she did not and finally after her dad had his hand on the phone to call the school (we knew she was fibbing) she recanted her story....always late for the school bus...we told her next time you are late, you are walking...well she missed the bus and guess what-- she walked....last time she was late...my point is that you have to be stern and follow thru, but I really think it is you husbands job not yours.  Maybe you and your husband should talk first and then talk with the kids.  Let them know what you expect

I honestly think they want structure and are just not used to it....I was not used to having kids around it was a very hard adjustment for me and I told dh on one occaion that if I had a place to go, I would leave, but I stuck it out and glad that I did, but it is not easy.  Good luck to you and come back and let us know how things are going.  You may be surprised and the kids may want to live with you full time.

Sorry, I probably rambled.......

edited: I re-read your post your step kids are older than mine were when DH and I married but does not change what I would have posted...teens can be difficult.

[kitty60]

Not having been a step parent but having been the steo child I think it is necessary for you and your husbance to sit down together and come up with some reasonable "rules" of your home.  Once you agree, I would go over them with the kids.  Let them know what is expected and treat them with respect.  You don't have to be their servants especially at that age.  Now that I am older when there are children in my home, including my grands, they are expected to live by our house rules.  This does not belittle their other parent or living conditions buts set the standard at your home.

[ccassaday]

I think this is more of a teaching moment then a getting angry since they have not been taught anything. I would not go with it’s my house my rules. Instead they need to be taught to be gracious and taught why it’s kind to be. Making it clear when your kind to others it will come back to help you in some way. In a way they are like a 8 yo kid who is being taught manners and how to do things on their own.

[kitty60]

Rules aren't necessarity negative.  House rules always included helping each other, being considerate of others feelings, picking up after oneself, etc.  They don't have to be looked at as hitting someone with a sledge hammer.  One must also be following those same rules to expect the children to get on board.

Had my granddaughter this weekend.  She knows at my house if she drops something she picks its up, If she's playing she needs to pick up what she is playing with before she takes out something else. When we are doing a "job" we help each other, etc.  We have a great time and I help her pick up when we are playing together.  So different from their house but she doesn't argue at all about it.  In fact on the third day she still wasn't ready to leave.  

[bathina]

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@Mindy D wrote:

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@kittyloo wrote:

this is the situation.  i am fairly newly married. under 2 years.  dh has finally gotten visitation (long story) with his two kids. aged 15, and 17.  we live somewhat close and the mother, has been civil and fairly reasonable with allowing them to spend as much time as they want with us, when they are not in school. that's the good part.  

the bad. their living situation with mom, is bad, bad bad. 

IMO they live in a hovel, sometimes stay at moms boyfriends shack, with his mom, and another woman.  probably about 10 teeth between the three of them. oh, and moms boyfriend, who is late 40's is a frycook at burger king.  these kids are smart, and clearly have a high IQ.

the problem.  we will just start by saying "lack of manners"

one of my biggest pet peeves.  no one knows how to use a napkin, and i haven't really heard a thank-you for anything yet, or please for that matter. 

i keep thinking, give this some more time, they will follow by example. granted they have only been coming for a couple of months now. usually every weekend, and least one of them, sometimes both.  

mama clearly has not done her job with them. 

we are getting along just fine, but when i put out a lovely dinner, or bring downstairs snacks for all, never a thanks or anything. sigh.  the daughter, has not been told about hygene, or lack of it.  i could just go on.  

just kind of frustrated. oh, and did i mention, i am also the maid to these kids.   venting, venting. 

ok, (sorry this is so long) 

last month i gave the girl  some new undies, bras, etc. essentials, which she never seems to have.  i said, "this is the part where you say thank-you" got a mumbled thanks. 

i am on the verge of starting to "mention" when a please or thank you, might be appropriate. in a fun way. like  what??  no thanks kitty?  volunteered to bring girl down a beverage last night, as i was going up anyway.  i believe i heard a mumbled thanks.  am i expecting it too soon? bide my time a little longer?  they are nice good kids. i just don't think they know. 

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Whatever you do don’t nag. You have sweetly mentioned the thank you as appropriate. Keep being kind and loving and the thank you will eventually come. Always thank them to model the behavior you want. If their hearts are not ruined yet then they will respond. Make sure you have your husband compliment you and thank you often in front of them. Especially for the meals. Work on only one behavior at a time other than the thank you. When working on napkins after meals let your husband casually mention that “we all should use our napkins after eating the help  keep ourselves  clean.” 

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This is such an excellent response @Mindy D. I agree with all of it!

OP, it sounds like you will now be the role model for these kids. It's not too late to show them another way to live. It's not their fault they weren't taught. That's the only way they would know - if the adults in their lives taught them. Lead by example. Get to know them and help them trust you. You can always say "would you mind putting away the bread and  utensils after you use them next time? I'll show you how I load the dishwasher and where the food goes if you like." Try to keep the requests neutral followed by an offer to help them if they need it.

Wowza, you've got your work cut out for you. I'm sending good thoughts and wishes for patience and loving kindness for you and your husband and kids.

[nevergivesup]

Kittylou, You are in a difficult situation and I agree with those who have said your husband needs to take the lead with this in terms of making the house rules clear and enforcing discipline. However, I think you are doing very well so far and if you can tolerate it without getting too upset you have a great opportunity to be a role model to these girls who are simply a product of their horrible upbringing.

I was struck by the fact that the behavior you described was selfish and unacceptable to be sure but it was not outright hostility, swearing at you etc. That would be a dealbreaker. I think it is an encouraging sign and keeps open the possibility that your example and kind but firm attitude could make a huge difference to them in the long run. They may shut their eyes or turn away but their ears are open. Best of luck. I don’t think it’s hopeless.

[Fressa]

I can relate to you situation. When I married my husband he came with 3 teenagers and I had 1 of mine own. Very long story to tell but these "kids" did not have one ounce of manners. Meall time was a free for all  contest of who could out gross who. I put a stop to it right away. I told them that I was glad that we were all under one roof together but we have manners in this house, espcially at the table. For those that don't care to learn or uset them, then no dinner. I simply removed their plates when the "games" began. Believe it or not, the games stopped rather quidkly. I actually was surprised but I knew that their Mother didn't believe in cooking, having any kind of schedule, etc.

I would say to focus on one issue at a time. Then proceed on to the next one. Progress may be slow but it usually comes in time. I wish you luck!!  

[Gayle2]

Hello,

I was a "delayed" stepmother as well.   I didn't really have any role models for this role.  I feel like I was very logical in my approach and expectations.   Ultimately, I read some books on the subject and realized that many things I did were off the mark which really surprised me.   My advice would be read several books on the topic, I wish I would have done it early.