Mom to Mom

[henderson]

Sounds like you need family counseling.  Your husband and stepchildren included.

[last mango]

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@chrystaltree wrote:

Do yourself a big favor and stop.  Just stop.  They are half grown, they are the people that their mother...and their father created.  There is nothing at all that you can do to change them in any way.  Actually, it might help them in a few years when they grow up a bit to have someone like you in their lives but that won't happen if destroy the relationship now. So step aside.  They should be polite and respectful to you.  Other than that, they are their father's children and he should be the one who makes the rules and cleans up after them when they are with you.  They have two parents and while you might not like or approve or understand the circumstances they are in, it really is none of your concern.  You married the man and none of this coming as any surprise to you.  It reallly will be better for all of you if you refrain from trying to be something to them that just is not possble.  Once you get to know each other in few years, perhaps you can develop a friendship and perhaps then you can be a positive influence.  

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I am a stepmom and my kids also have a stepmom since my ex husband and I both remarried.  This is about the most spot on advice you will ever get!  It is something I have had to remind myself of when dealing with my step kids and they are all grown adults with husbands and children now.  We all get along fabulously and I text or talk to them regularly.   On the other end of this I have had to gently remind my ex hubby that his wife is not the mom and her rules are not what we base our parenting on . My daughters are now grown and both in college and I still am on good terms with their father.   Please reread Chrystaltree’s post and keep it in the back of your mind when you are getting frustrated.  I’m sure it isn’t lost on these kids as to how horrible things are for them, they need an ally not an enemy right now.  Good Luck 🍀!

[YorkieonmyPillow]

@kittyloo  Really, there's nothing wrong with a person working at Burger King - someone's gotta do it.

It may not pay well and it may not be glamorous but it's an honest day's work, and should be respected IMHO.

[CalminHeart]

It is their dad's place to correct them and set expectations.  it's not a stepmom's place.  In the meantime, you can set a good example for them.

[Imaoldhippie]

Where is your husband while this is going on?  He should be there to see that you are treated with respect.

Im sorry but IMO its too late for these kids.  Their skills or lack of have already been instilled.  You are not going to change anything.

IMO you have 2 courses of action.  Tell hubby to step up to the plate or your done with the kids and when they visit you can go stay with a friend, family or check into a motel.

#2, you can just tell hubby straight out your done and not give him the option to step in and be a parent to his kids.  But, I think this too is to late.

Good luck you have a tough row to hoe.

[kittyloo]

@wingnut   really reaching to say something negative??  so sweet of you to chime in with your helpful opinion. 

[CatsyCline]

Nothing against your DH but he sounds clueless.  Your husband likely will never evolve from Disneyland Dad mode. Men don't change and his kids won't change

I hope you have put away some resources of your own.    Think about your future.  Is this what you envisioned?

[Carmie]

Sounds like those poor kids have had it pretty bad.  They are a product of a bad environment and poor parenting.

Thank goodness you are in their lives.  They need you.  IMO, you should just gently lead. Them in the right direction.

if they leave a dirty dish on the table..ask if they have finished eating. If yes, ask them to kindly put the dish in the dishwasher.  Most teenagers are lazy and will try to get out of doing any work, even when they know they are supposed to.

My granddaughters, who were very helpful when they were younger now need to be  reminded to cleanup their mess.  Very typical for teens.

When they go to someone else house, they pick up after themselves.  They feel comfortable at my house and get lazy. I remember doing the same when I was a teen.

Don't worry about the one with bad hygeine.  She will clean up when she is interested in a boy.  You will have to drag her out of the shower.

Hang in there and thanks for trying to make a difference in their lives.

[minkbunny]

Wishing you well.   When I first met my husband and we were talking about our kids, etc., he said he had a married daughter and a 19 year old son.   I said, does the son live at home?  He said, no he has his own place.

I said, okay - go on 

[CAcableGirl2]

@kittyloo, @Carmie is absolutely right.  Demonstrate good manners and good hygeine to them when ever you can.  Believe me, they are seeing what you do even if they do not acknowledge it.  Kids are like sponges, and are learning whenever you don't think they are. I would try to get them involved in whatever you are doing, including cooking and/or doing laundry.  Explain to them that they will need to and can do their own laundry and cooking is a skill that they will need when they have their own apartments some day - no one wants to eat cereal or top ramen every meal.

Even though they will not be enthusiastic and seem nonchalant about everything, they are noticing and when they want to impress others, they will mirror what you have been doing.

If they even acknowledge you, are polite most of the time, or say more then a couple of words, then you have it better then most parents with teenagers.  That is a tough time and even the closest families can struggle through those years.

Establish a solid foundation with rules, manners and consistency, they will need that since it sounds like the mom's lifestyle is a little shaky.