new stepmom to teenagers. help please - Page 2

Montana · ‎03-09-2010

Unless you and your husband are on the same team, I think changing the habits of two teenagers will be difficult. From what you said, they don't have rules with either parent right now. I feel that puts you in an adversarial position. Not a pleasant place to be.

riley1 · ‎03-10-2010

Even though they are at tough ages and it sounds as if their living conditions are less than desirable, you and your hubby have to start setting up some rules at your house.

Have them clean up their dinner plates, rinse and put in dishwasher. Make their own beds and put clothes in a hamper. Or, teach them how to wash their own clothes. It will come in handy one day.

As far as your step-daughter - how about a nicely scented body wash/body lotion - she might find this enjoyable.

Your hubby has to wake up and get on the same page with you or in the long-term it could create problems.l

Good Luck - it isn't easy.

Mz iMac · ‎07-26-2014

LOL@quote.gif

"probably about 10 teeth between the three of them."@kittyloo

"i am also the maid to these kids."

"Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."

sissel · ‎08-13-2010

I'm suprised some of their friends never said a word to them. Teenagers don't listen to adults but if a friend said something they would upset & try to fix the problem. It's ashame tthis wasn't corrected at an early age.

Mindy D · ‎05-23-2010

@kittyloo wrote:
this is the situation. i am fairly newly married. under 2 years. dh has finally gotten visitation (long story) with his two kids. aged 15, and 17. we live somewhat close and the mother, has been civil and fairly reasonable with allowing them to spend as much time as they want with us, when they are not in school. that's the good part.
the bad. their living situation with mom, is bad, bad bad.
IMO they live in a hovel, sometimes stay at moms boyfriends shack, with his mom, and another woman. probably about 10 teeth between the three of them. oh, and moms boyfriend, who is late 40's is a frycook at burger king. these kids are smart, and clearly have a high IQ.
the problem. we will just start by saying "lack of manners"
one of my biggest pet peeves. no one knows how to use a napkin, and i haven't really heard a thank-you for anything yet, or please for that matter.
i keep thinking, give this some more time, they will follow by example. granted they have only been coming for a couple of months now. usually every weekend, and least one of them, sometimes both.
mama clearly has not done her job with them.
we are getting along just fine, but when i put out a lovely dinner, or bring downstairs snacks for all, never a thanks or anything. sigh. the daughter, has not been told about hygene, or lack of it. i could just go on.
just kind of frustrated. oh, and did i mention, i am also the maid to these kids. venting, venting.
ok, (sorry this is so long)
last month i gave the girl some new undies, bras, etc. essentials, which she never seems to have. i said, "this is the part where you say thank-you" got a mumbled thanks.
i am on the verge of starting to "mention" when a please or thank you, might be appropriate. in a fun way. like what?? no thanks kitty? volunteered to bring girl down a beverage last night, as i was going up anyway. i believe i heard a mumbled thanks. am i expecting it too soon? bide my time a little longer? they are nice good kids. i just don't think they know.

Whatever you do don’t nag. You have sweetly mentioned the thank you as appropriate. Keep being kind and loving and the thank you will eventually come. Always thank them to model the behavior you want. If their hearts are not ruined yet then they will respond. Make sure you have your husband compliment you and thank you often in front of them. Especially for the meals. Work on only one behavior at a time other than the thank you. When working on napkins after meals let your husband casually mention that “we all should use our napkins after eating the help keep ourselves clean.”

hopi · ‎03-09-2010

Sounds like you are ready to go on Dr. Phil's show.

You must have know all this going in.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

Do yourself a big favor and stop. Just stop. They are half grown, they are the people that their mother...and their father created. There is nothing at all that you can do to change them in any way. Actually, it might help them in a few years when they grow up a bit to have someone like you in their lives but that won't happen if destroy the relationship now. So step aside. They should be polite and respectful to you. Other than that, they are their father's children and he should be the one who makes the rules and cleans up after them when they are with you. They have two parents and while you might not like or approve or understand the circumstances they are in, it really is none of your concern. You married the man and none of this coming as any surprise to you. It reallly will be better for all of you if you refrain from trying to be something to them that just is not possble. Once you get to know each other in few years, perhaps you can develop a friendship and perhaps then you can be a positive influence.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@kittyloo wrote:
@Catty2
@Catty2 wrote:
Have you discussed all this with your husband, their father? I think you both need to be working on their manners, etc. Their living conditions sound terrible. You sound like a caring stepmom and I hope things will work out.
oh yes, discussed it at length. he is just so thrilled to have them here, (mom kept him from seeing them for 8 years). he understands my frustration, but he is still being the disney dad/ pal to them.

That's because he understands the thing that you do not understand. That door where he can be an involved father, where he gets to shape them and teach them, that door has closed. He has his kids and like it or not he has to establish a friendship with them. They are never going to be the Brady Bunch kids but once he's established a relationship with them, it's possible that he can exert some influence that will help them become better people. Don't make him choose between his kids and you.

blackhole99 · ‎08-22-2013

The kids are too old now to be told how to say, please and thank you, that ship has sailed, those skills should have been taught before they started kindergarten. They are old enough for you to be honest with them, if you don't like the way things are going, tell them about it. Those kids are going to find out pretty fast how rough it is out there without social skills, they will either get with it or suffer.

wingnut · ‎03-10-2010

@kittyloo wrote:
this is the situation. i am fairly newly married. under 2 years. dh has finally gotten visitation (long story) with his two kids. aged 15, and 17. we live somewhat close and the mother, has been civil and fairly reasonable with allowing them to spend as much time as they want with us, when they are not in school. that's the good part.
the bad. their living situation with mom, is bad, bad bad.
IMO they live in a hovel, sometimes stay at moms boyfriends shack, with his mom, and another woman. probably about 10 teeth between the three of them. oh, and moms boyfriend, who is late 40's is a frycook at burger king. these kids are smart, and clearly have a high IQ.
the problem. we will just start by saying "lack of manners"
one of my biggest pet peeves. no one knows how to use a napkin, and i haven't really heard a thank-you for anything yet, or please for that matter.
i keep thinking, give this some more time, they will follow by example. granted they have only been coming for a couple of months now. usually every weekend, and least one of them, sometimes both.
mama clearly has not done her job with them.
we are getting along just fine, but when i put out a lovely dinner, or bring downstairs snacks for all, never a thanks or anything. sigh. the daughter, has not been told about hygene, or lack of it. i could just go on.
just kind of frustrated. oh, and did i mention, i am also the maid to these kids. venting, venting.
ok, (sorry this is so long)
last month i gave the girl some new undies, bras, etc. essentials, which she never seems to have. i said, "this is the part where you say thank-you" got a mumbled thanks.
i am on the verge of starting to "mention" when a please or thank you, might be appropriate. in a fun way. like what?? no thanks kitty? volunteered to bring girl down a beverage last night, as i was going up anyway. i believe i heard a mumbled thanks. am i expecting it too soon? bide my time a little longer? they are nice good kids. i just don't think they know.