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Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,430
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

new stepmom to teenagers. help please

this is the situation.  i am fairly newly married. under 2 years.  dh has finally gotten visitation (long story) with his two kids. aged 15, and 17.  we live somewhat close and the mother, has been civil and fairly reasonable with allowing them to spend as much time as they want with us, when they are not in school. that's the good part.  

the bad. their living situation with mom, is bad, bad bad. 

IMO they live in a hovel, sometimes stay at moms boyfriends shack, with his mom, and another woman.  probably about 10 teeth between the three of them. oh, and moms boyfriend, who is late 40's is a frycook at burger king.  these kids are smart, and clearly have a high IQ.

the problem.  we will just start by saying "lack of manners"

one of my biggest pet peeves.  no one knows how to use a napkin, and i haven't really heard a thank-you for anything yet, or please for that matter. 

i keep thinking, give this some more time, they will follow by example. granted they have only been coming for a couple of months now. usually every weekend, and least one of them, sometimes both.  

mama clearly has not done her job with them. 

we are getting along just fine, but when i put out a lovely dinner, or bring downstairs snacks for all, never a thanks or anything. sigh.  the daughter, has not been told about hygene, or lack of it.  i could just go on.  

just kind of frustrated. oh, and did i mention, i am also the maid to these kids.   venting, venting. 

ok, (sorry this is so long) 

last month i gave the girl  some new undies, bras, etc. essentials, which she never seems to have.  i said, "this is the part where you say thank-you" got a mumbled thanks. 

i am on the verge of starting to "mention" when a please or thank you, might be appropriate. in a fun way. like  what??  no thanks kitty?  volunteered to bring girl down a beverage last night, as i was going up anyway.  i believe i heard a mumbled thanks.  am i expecting it too soon? bide my time a little longer?  they are nice good kids. i just don't think they know. 

Super Contributor
Posts: 347
Registered: ‎03-06-2017

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

Good luck! Tough job!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,757
Registered: ‎09-06-2014

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

Have you discussed all this with your husband, their father?  I think you both need to be working on their manners, etc.  Their living conditions sound terrible.  You sound like a caring stepmom and I hope things will work out.   

Valued Contributor
Posts: 860
Registered: ‎10-05-2012

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

Good luck.......I've been with my BF since 2002.  Thank yous, holiday gifts and acknowledgement of my birthday are non-existant. Both "boys" are married w/children - one is late 30s and the other 40. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,430
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

@Catty2   


@Catty2 wrote:

Have you discussed all this with your husband, their father?  I think you both need to be working on their manners, etc.  Their living conditions sound terrible.  You sound like a caring stepmom and I hope things will work out.   


oh yes, discussed it at length.  he is just so thrilled to have them here, (mom kept him from seeing them for 8 years). he understands my frustration, but he is still being the disney dad/ pal to them.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,430
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please


@CinNC wrote:

Good luck.......I've been with my BF since 2002.  Thank yous, holiday gifts and acknowledgement of my birthday are non-existant. Both "boys" are married w/children - one is late 30s and the other 40. 


wow! kudos to you. at that age, you can't expect that to change i guess.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,035
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

It has been nearly 2 years but I still say go slow. 

 

The ages of 15 and 17 are tough. And they are probably resisting new rules. They know what they have and I am guessing they are comfortable with the way things are living with their Mom. Probably few rules and they are able to mostly do as they please.

 

Clearly you are trying your best to help these kids. But you have to deal with the Mom and her housemates. And since the kids are with them most of the time, you have a tough road ahead trying to refine some of their habits.

 

So I say make their visits as pleasant as possible. Try to encourage them to say Thank You and maybe a few other courtesies. And get your husband on board too. They are his kids and you need any support you can get.

 

 

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,938
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

Good Luck. Sounds like they have been around mom plus others where they are picking up these bad manners far too long. That won't be easy to change.

Before you get in all this too far I would put a stop to being the kids maid. They are old enough to clean up after themselves.

The dad should set up some rules when they visit that will work for all.

We had to deal with things when my dad married the 2nd time. His wife wanted him to disown his kids.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,766
Registered: ‎05-09-2010

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

Wow, good luck in this situation.  I agree with another poster that you should not clean up after them.  As far as manners, I would continue to lead by example and give gentle reminders.  You don't want to come off as the nagging step mom.  You want to be sure they have a pleasant and stable home life when they visit you, which I am sure you are doing.  I would think that in their heads, they compare the two living situations and know which one is better and healthier.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,430
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

as a rule, i never go quietly in any situation.  i really just need some perspective. like i said dh is just basking in their being here. he does NOT want to be the bad guy. 

i mentioned to him earlier how she came up to cut herself some bananna bread we made the other day, and left out the mini loaf, bag open on the other loaf, dirty knife on the counter. his response was, well maybe she was coming back for a second slice. that was 2 hours ago. ANOTHER walking dead marathon for them. ugh! i hate those kinds of shows. that bread would have dried out, and into the trash. 

thanks for just letting me vent.  it really is helping me.