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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,395
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please


@CinNC wrote:

Good luck.......I've been with my BF since 2002.  Thank yous, holiday gifts and acknowledgement of my birthday are non-existant. Both "boys" are married w/children - one is late 30s and the other 40. 


Sounds as though those "boys" need a lesson in manners.  I'm sorry you never get acknowledged for what you give, perhaps you should stop giving and when they wonder why, you can tell them.  It's never too late to learn, right?

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
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Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please


@kittyloo wrote:

@Catty2   


@Catty2 wrote:

Have you discussed all this with your husband, their father?  I think you both need to be working on their manners, etc.  Their living conditions sound terrible.  You sound like a caring stepmom and I hope things will work out.   


oh yes, discussed it at length.  he is just so thrilled to have them here, (mom kept him from seeing them for 8 years). he understands my frustration, but he is still being the disney dad/ pal to them.


I understand where he is coming from, but...he needs to learn that his children need lessons in etiquette along with being loved.  I hope you can relate to him that they have to know how to behave out there in the real world, and he is doing them a disservice by not teaching them manners.   Good luck.

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
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Registered: ‎01-08-2011

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

I read your story with a lot of interest after having taught 20,000 juniors and seniors.

I think the way you are expecting "please" and "thank you" is great.  I'm sure you're careful to do the same.  I'd make sure dad is in board with this.

 

I'm wondering if your husband helps at all?  They need consistency, as all children do. Make sure that "no" means "no" and you and dad always have a united front.

Please seek family counciling for the stress you will surely have on your marriage as well as ideas on how to handle this challenge.

 

Bless all of you!

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Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

Does Op have children?

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Registered: ‎01-04-2013

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

I would go a different direction. I would look for a wood sign to put in the powder room or bathroom they used at the sink or above the towel rack, a thank you sign.  If you look at pinterest.com you will see some examples of thank you signs. amazon has a thank you sign and a houserule sign. I would start there. I would also look for a sign that simple says LOVE to put in there bedrooms. You could also look at your local gift stores for positive affirmation signs or google postive affirmations for teenagers you will find a website with printable affirmations.  I think positive affirmations are a wonderful way to get the right kind of message out for the whole family. They have ones for self esteem, which would be lovely for both children. You might simple try JOY, LOVE, HAPPINESS.   Just the simplest little thing can make all the difference in the world. I hope you all have a very Merry Peaceful Christmas with LOVE.

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Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

Keep it up, be a gentle teacher as you seem to be now.  Remember their lives are pretty crappy, but your home gives them a needed break.  Teens need limits.  Good luck.

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Posts: 905
Registered: ‎02-19-2014

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

Have you laid down the rules for your home and how you expect children to behave?  If they don't know, they cannot act accordingly.  Even though an example is shown, they may not follow it as they don't normally do that at home.

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Posts: 422
Registered: ‎02-18-2016

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

Kudo's to you for being there for them.  It is especially hard when in two different households with two different set of rules.   The best that you can do, is have a 

heart to heart with your husband and come up with ways that will be Positive and Productive in your home.    My heart goes out to these kids.   Divorce is a huge 

deal.   Being a Teenager is a Big Deal.   Fitting in at school,  making friends,  Homework.   It's a  BIG JOB  !     Ideally I think it would be great if you could 

get some one on one time to see what is going  on in their heads.   

All of this will take time.  But you letting them know that you and  their 

Father are there to support them.   And that you are there anytime they need 

to talk about anything whether they are staying with you  or are at there moms.

 

I think it is easier to see things differently .when you look at the situation through their eyes.    Emapathy,   Patience,  Love,  making them feel supported by both of you means a lot.    Also making them feel like they have a family support system in your home.   Kudo's to you for reaching out.  It shows you care.   I think you do care.   That is GREAT .


@kittyloo wrote:

this is the situation.  i am fairly newly married. under 2 years.  dh has finally gotten visitation (long story) with his two kids. aged 15, and 17.  we live somewhat close and the mother, has been civil and fairly reasonable with allowing them to spend as much time as they want with us, when they are not in school. that's the good part.  

the bad. their living situation with mom, is bad, bad bad. 

IMO they live in a hovel, sometimes stay at moms boyfriends shack, with his mom, and another woman.  probably about 10 teeth between the three of them. oh, and moms boyfriend, who is late 40's is a frycook at burger king.  these kids are smart, and clearly have a high IQ.

the problem.  we will just start by saying "lack of manners"

one of my biggest pet peeves.  no one knows how to use a napkin, and i haven't really heard a thank-you for anything yet, or please for that matter. 

i keep thinking, give this some more time, they will follow by example. granted they have only been coming for a couple of months now. usually every weekend, and least one of them, sometimes both.  

mama clearly has not done her job with them. 

we are getting along just fine, but when i put out a lovely dinner, or bring downstairs snacks for all, never a thanks or anything. sigh.  the daughter, has not been told about hygene, or lack of it.  i could just go on.  

just kind of frustrated. oh, and did i mention, i am also the maid to these kids.   venting, venting. 

ok, (sorry this is so long) 

last month i gave the girl  some new undies, bras, etc. essentials, which she never seems to have.  i said, "this is the part where you say thank-you" got a mumbled thanks. 

i am on the verge of starting to "mention" when a please or thank you, might be appropriate. in a fun way. like  what??  no thanks kitty?  volunteered to bring girl down a beverage last night, as i was going up anyway.  i believe i heard a mumbled thanks.  am i expecting it too soon? bide my time a little longer?  they are nice good kids. i just don't think they know. 


 

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Posts: 5,654
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

I hope you aren't trying to change their habits on your own.  YOU are the new person in this dynamic.  Their dad is the only one who should be setting AND enforcing rules in your home.  Their bio-mom has to be in sync with their dad on these things too.  It may take a year or two or more before you are able to do this without causing unnecessary problems.  

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Registered: ‎03-25-2012

Re: new stepmom to teenagers. help please

My heart goes out to you . . . Good luck!!

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986