Mom to Mom

[panda1234]

Is anyone experiencing this with their children? Just looking for tips or ways to handle this. Have you used a job coach in this situation? Thanks in advance for your comments.

[ThinkingOutLoud]

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@panda1234 wrote:

Is anyone experiencing this with their children? Just looking for tips or ways to handle this. Have you used a job coach in this situation? Thanks in advance for your comments.

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More info would be helpful - age, gender, are they working at all or just playing video games all day, etc.

[Travone]

How about just tough love?  Pick a date in the not too distant future and tell them as of that date they need to have a job and paying X amount of $ to you each month or week.   If not, they have to be out by that date.  It is their choice.   You have to be firm. 

[ThinkingOutLoud]

At the risk of you not coming back to this thread

(as some here seem to do) - 

You are still a parent and thus their life coach (a job is only one aspect) so sit kid down and:

 - first acknowledge that you were so busy giving them roots, you forgot about the wings so it's time to catch up

 - ask questions (let them do the thinking)

    - where do you see yourself in 1, 5, 10 years with work, education, relationship, health, etc (some serious, some fun - job, travel)

 - it's also smart to have a side hustle so figure out what that's going to be

 - help them break down doable goals to make the above happen

 - also suggest daily routines to get/keep motivation up (exercise, service, helping around the house/yard/cooking, developing talents, etc)

 - set up agreed upon consequences if they lose sight of their goals and routines (pay rent, video games thrown out, no car, do own laundry, etc)

 - write all this down and post the goals, consequences as needed

 - if they don't like some of this, tell them they'll thank you later

 - also, peer pressure and/or a buddy system can be more effective so get their friends on board

 - remember to celebrate their achievements along the way (include incentives as you plan - day trip to favorite hiking spot, etc)

The above may change with more info (age, circumstances, etc)

If depression is a factor, that needs to be addressed

I grew up knowing that going away to college was expected after high school and that I'd be responsible to pay for the first semester and then they'd help after that. This made jobs and saving a must and also gave me a plan. If you have younger kids, start making things clearer now so you don't run into another 'failure to launch' situation.

[ThinkingOutLoud]

Oh - set sights high. 

"If you aim for the moon and miss you still hit the stars" (something like that)

[Mom2Dogs]

@panda1234   When my step daughter graduated from high school, it was known and discussed, it was the first day of her new life.  

We did not charge her rent to live at home, and we obviously still fed her but she was one of those kids that needed to be nudged and given guidelines.

She was not college material but we expected her to find a trade, job to support herself.  

I think boundries need to be clear and parents need to stick with the plan.

You raise your children to have wings.

[Growing]

Failure to launch is real. Young people were helped so much in their early days that the challenge of adult work and adult responsibilities can be hard. Sometimes they have other issues like drug or alcohol use/abuse or mental illness. You are not alone if your young adult child isn't working full time and living independently. This generation often feels angry that life should be easier. The book, The New Codependency, says codepenedent parents do so much, solve so many problems, enable bad behaviors, and the younger generation comes out angry, entitled, depressed and blames the parents. This sounds harsh but it has stuck in my brain over the years of raising my adult kids. 

I would not hire a coach unless your adult child asks you to pay for this. I would set some rules for my house. It is okay to "kick them out" or give deadlines. The more we enable them to be helpless, not take on adult responsibilities, the message to them is "you can't do this" or "you need your parents to do for you". You can guide your child in the next steps if they want your input. This is normal parenting. 

If your child has a drug or alcohol issue, this is beyond your control. You can't make them do anything and Al Anon can be helpful to the parent. I've been through some of this and it can be very painful. 

If your child has a mental health problem, this is something you can try to force them into treatment. They won't grow out of it. This is also something I've been through and wish you the best. 

[decaf]

@panda1234  I also think more information is needed to answer your question properly.   I hope you'll respond.

I have a friend, her 40 yo daughter is still living with her, she never moved out on her own (except for college).  My friend is finally starting to admit she had problem she should have handled differently years ago.

[Growing]

Let me also say that I help people redo their resumes to include the proper key words to fit into the computer algorithm that is set up by HR for each job. If the resume is not laid out right in plain format, the computer can't read it. If you don't use the key words pertaining to that career field (found in the job description plus others), then the computer puts that application in the no file. So it can be hard to get interviews. I have a master's degree and I helped many newer graduates redo their resumes in our field. I've helped a lot of people and this is just a volunteer gig I do as a service to people. But the old style of doing a resume is a no and many people don't realize they have to fit the keywords so the algorithm matches them to the job. And they have to be brief and to the point on the cover letter and resume. Applying to jobs one doesn't qualify for is also a no but many people say just apply and see what happens. Employers are inundated with resumes from unqualified people and mostly these go into the no pile. Employers are also looking to hire someone they DON'T have to train. For those of us older people, we were always hired in and trained on the job. Nowdays, they want someone who had already done the job or most parts of the job. So a young person may need to get skills at a lower level job first. If you have a college degree you are told how wonderful this is and will lead to great jobs. But the young person has no skills and no experience and so has great difficulty finding a suitable job. 

[panda1234]

@Growing @decaf @ThinkingOutLoud @Travone I sincerely apologize for not giving more info. Your comments were excellent and I appreciate you taking the time. The rest of the story is.....she is 26, we do charge her rent, she has chores to do around the house, mental illness is a factor and she is on disability. Previously, she was in school full time with two part time jobs, had friends, had a life. Recently she has been doing better but will never be cured. I feel she needs to get out and either work a little or volunteer somewhere, she is afraid to do this. The longer she sits in the house the harder it is going to be for her to get back in society. She is not able to look down the road five years from now as she is cognitively impaired, at the age of a young child. Again, I want to thank all of you for your input.