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Super Contributor
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Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Whole Life Turned Upside Down - Need Advice on Where to Go From Here

On 2/28/2014 Yuban3 said:

Parents who have kids expecting them to "be there" for them in old age, are having them for the wrong reason.

If, as a parent the kids are there for you in old age, count yourself as lucky.

Kids have NO obligation to "be there" for their parents when they are old.

The kids do NOT "owe" you that simply because you birthed them.

And it surely doesn't help the relationship when parents are angry about all the "sacrifices" they made for their kids.

If they are angry now - when the sacrifices are past - I can only imagine how angry they were at the time they were making them. And the kids - who were kids not adults - no doubt felt the brunt.

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Re: Whole Life Turned Upside Down - Need Advice on Where to Go From Here

On 2/28/2014 Dagna said:
On 2/28/2014 Yuban3 said:

Parents who have kids expecting them to "be there" for them in old age, are having them for the wrong reason.

If, as a parent the kids are there for you in old age, count yourself as lucky.

Kids have NO obligation to "be there" for their parents when they are old.

The kids do NOT "owe" you that simply because you birthed them.

And it surely doesn't help the relationship when parents are angry about all the "sacrifices" they made for their kids.

If they are angry now - when the sacrifices are past - I can only imagine how angry they were at the time they were making them. And the kids - who were kids not adults - no doubt felt the brunt.

Exactly! And, when as a child, you felt that brunt, why on earth would they want to be around it again as an adult?

They don't.

They don't want to be reminded of the past, and therefor distance themselves emotionally and physically from that, as a way to protect themselves, and their family.

Was Yuban, then changed to Plaid Pants due to forum upgrade, and apparently, I'm back to being Yuban.
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Re: Whole Life Turned Upside Down - Need Advice on Where to Go From Here

It might also be instructive to hear what our President said about being angry that his father was not in the home - how it hurt him.

Yes he has accomplished an extraordinary amount in his life - and he praises his mother and grandparents - and yet - he acknowledges the hurt.

So for all those who claim to be wonderful parents because they got rid of a bad father for their kids - it did not make everything right and rosy for the kids.

Again, you don't have to set out to be a bad parent to significantly hurt your kids - and insisting they "get over it" - when you, yourself refuse to "get over" your anger at them for not giving you a pass and declaring you mother of the year for all you "suffered and sacrificed" for them will not improve your relationship with them.

Basically, it seems a lot of parents wanted their kids to become surrogate parents to them - understanding their pain at marrying the wrong man, being dumped by a man, having to work, not having the ideal life they wanted because now they ended stuck with kids who were actually needy rather than supportive. And if the kids couldn't achieve that when they were kids, the parents at least want them to do it now in adulthoood.

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Re: Whole Life Turned Upside Down - Need Advice on Where to Go From Here

On 2/28/2014 Dagna said:

It might also be instructive to hear what our President said about being angry that his father was not in the home - how it hurt him.

Yes he has accomplished an extraordinary amount in his life - and he praises his mother and grandparents - and yet - he acknowledges the hurt.

So for all those who claim to be wonderful parents because they got rid of a bad father for their kids - it did not make everything right and rosy for the kids.

Again, you don't have to set out to be a bad parent to significantly hurt your kids - and insisting they "get over it" - when you, yourself refuse to "get over" your anger at them for not giving you a pass and declaring you mother of the year for all you "suffered and sacrificed" for them will not improve your relationship with them.

Basically, it seems a lot of parents wanted their kids to become surrogate parents to them - understanding their pain at marrying the wrong man, being dumped by a man, having to work, not having the ideal life they wanted because now they ended stuck with kids who were actually needy rather than supportive. And if the kids couldn't achieve that when they were kids, the parents at least want them to do it now in adulthoood.

{#emotions_dlg.thumbup}

Was Yuban, then changed to Plaid Pants due to forum upgrade, and apparently, I'm back to being Yuban.
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Re: Whole Life Turned Upside Down - Need Advice on Where to Go From Here

On 2/27/2014 sahmIam said:

Venus, it sounds as if you did all of this out of obligation and NOT out of love/desire to WANT to do it. Believe me, there is a huge difference between the two and kids/adults can tell. Perhaps that's part of it; I don't know. When you choose to have kids, YOU take a back-seat. You don't want that to ever happen? Don't have kids. Plain and simple.


SahmIam, I am not Venus, I am dantenayeli, you seem to have some kind of chip on your shoulder where parents are concerned. It's always us that's wrong, Huh???

Don't presume to know what my motives are or were. I do these things out of the deepest love and concern for my children now just as I did when they were young. And when you really love someone, as a grown-up, you do feel a sense of obligation to help them in anyway you can. The two go hand in hand (love and obligation) and I won't apologize for what I did out of the love I have as a mother and the sense of obligation I feel comes out of that love.

I am sorry but I think you have some growing up to do (and I don't even know how old you are).

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Re: Whole Life Turned Upside Down - Need Advice on Where to Go From Here

On 2/28/2014 dantenayeli said:
On 2/27/2014 sahmIam said:

Venus, it sounds as if you did all of this out of obligation and NOT out of love/desire to WANT to do it. Believe me, there is a huge difference between the two and kids/adults can tell. Perhaps that's part of it; I don't know. When you choose to have kids, YOU take a back-seat. You don't want that to ever happen? Don't have kids. Plain and simple.


SahmIam, I am not Venus, I am dantenayeli, you seem to have some kind of chip on your shoulder where parents are concerned. It's always us that's wrong, Huh???

Don't presume to know what my motives are or were. I do these things out of the deepest love and concern for my children now just as I did when they were young. And when you really love someone, as a grown-up, you do feel a sense of obligation to help them in anyway you can. The two go hand in hand (love and obligation) and I won't apologize for what I did out of the love I have as a mother and the sense of obligation I feel comes out of that love.

I am sorry but I think you have some growing up to do (and I don't even know how old you are).

Um. I don't know WHAT your problem is; perhaps I hit a nerve. I don't recall EVER replying to ANY of your comments here or elsewhere, for that matter. So please, take your insults and rants elsewhere.

As for that "chip"? You REALLY need to go look in a mirror. I mean REALLY GO LOOK.

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Registered: ‎03-31-2010

Re: Whole Life Turned Upside Down - Need Advice on Where to Go From Here

It sounds to me like you should go to therapy yourself so if you are able to talk to them you will be ready to listen and take how they feel. This probably isn't all about you as I think parents can't put themselves in their children's places. Even tho you feel that you sacrificed doesn't mean that the divorce and struggles didn't affect them. Instead of fighting for how you feel with them try to understand what they went through and offer to attend family therapy so you can all heal together. Saying your sorry and meaning it would probably open the door for you instead of being defensive. I suffered from verbal/emotional abuse for so many years and had to walk away from my family because they all think they are perfect and wouldn't see the abuse. I still need to deal with the damage but it is nice to not be abused anymore. No one is perfect but this does get passed down in families and I'm proud to be the only one in my family to break the cycle. My boys are in their early 20's and they are great and we made sure to show them that we aren't perfect or expected them to be either. We moved a lot and my husband has worked a lot so we know that it was difficult for them. We focused on quality time and love to play board games together. Good Luck!
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Re: Whole Life Turned Upside Down - Need Advice on Where to Go From Here

I think you did your best with the hand you were dealt. Adult children do see things differently. I do hope that someday you and your children can come together again.

You stated that you sent your children to private schools for college instead of saving for your retirement and you seem to resent that the most from the posts that I've read. Any financial expert would have told you not to do that. I am married to a man who earns a very good living and we sent both of our children to state schools because we were saving for our retirement since were got married. We told our children that if they wanted to go to private schools, they would have to pay the difference, with loans, between the cost of state and private tuition. The went to state schools. They don't have loans and we don't have loans.

We're all dealt a bad hand at one time or another. My parents, who struggled all their lives, were finally doing well, they were always talking about their "retirement" years and looking forward to traveling. My father got leukemia and passed away at 55. The last 2 1/2 years of his life was a nightmare for all of us. My mother never got over it. I lost at father that I adored at 26. He never even met my children. I mourn his loss every day, 33 years later.

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Re: Whole Life Turned Upside Down - Need Advice on Where to Go From Here

There is little or nothing you can do to change your children. It's been said that "a man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still". This is true. They feel, for whatever reason, that they were given the short side of the wishbone and are bitter. Therapy for them is probably a waste. It's likely that they will continue to wallow in their so-called misery for the rest of their lives.

I would suggest that you make the best of what is to you a sad situation, make new friends, enjoy other people's children, get a hobby, get a pet - whatever it takes to get your mind into other channels. By all means pray for your children. It's probably the only productive thing you can do. Be proud of what you did right, and make a good life for yourself from here on. God bless.

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Registered: ‎03-30-2012

Re: Whole Life Turned Upside Down - Need Advice on Where to Go From Here

To the OP:

This is probably going to sound like harsh advice, but I'm going to offer it anyway.

Give your children the gift of freedom from you. Give this gift with love, not from a resentful heart. Let them go. Remove yourself from their lives. No birthday cards, no phone calls, no Christmas gifts, no nothing. Silence. If they call, don't be rude, complain, beg, cry, or show emotion. Let them go. Let them go with love, but let them go. When their birthdays pass, and you've not sent them a card, or called them, it will be difficult, but you can do this. When you feel weak and tempted to call or send them gifts, just remember the best gift you can give them is the freedom from you.

This will give them time to re-evaluate their lives, get help if they so desire, and it will give you time to work out your own issues with a good therapist. Your adult children may come back for a relationship with you someday, or they may not. If they do come back, it will be different, so don't expect them to suddenly rush in, apologize, and say they adore you. It doesn't happen that way.

Just let them go - totally. Let them go with love. Let them go.