Mom to Mom

[Venus]

I married and had 2 children young - 19 & 21. Both my parents died around the same time, and my husband and I divorced all around the same time. I struggled all their lives to keep a roof over their head. I worked 2 jobs for 7 years to keep us together. Both kids went on to private universaries where they graduated high in their class. Once they graduated they moved away from home. We had good communication, or as good as you can with them many states away. My son is now living in Europe. They are now 37 & 39 and I am finding out that they think they had a horrible childhood, and that I made them grow up too fast and didn't spend enough time with them and basically was a rotten mother. I'm in shock. I knew they didn't have all the things their friends had, but I really thought they understood that I did the best I could at the time. My son no longer speaks to me, and I have never seen my grandson. My daughter is going to therapy to "overcome the damage that I did to her". I am so heartbroken. I feel that I totally wasted all of our lives. How can I overcome this feeling?

Thanks in advance for your responses.

Venus

[PurpleBunny]

You know, I am aware of a similar situation. I have a friend that as far as I am concerned, lives a charmed life. Well educated, world-travelled, successful faithful husband, healthy, beautiful, talented children, country club membership, beach house evey summer. But you know what? All she can do is beooootch about what her MOTHER did wrong and what her mother didn't do for her and how it's her mother's fault she's not filthy rich. This woman is almost 60!!!! Cripes, after 18, it ceases to be your parent's fault! We all make choices, we all choose our path. Seems to me, you did everything humanly possible, with very little help. If anything, perhaps you did too much and the result is a couple of spoiled, ungrateful adult children? Only YOU know in your heart if there is ANY truth to their accusations. And even if there is, again, at some point, it's NO longer your parent's fault. If they are adults and they are still unhappy, maybe (like my friend), they are just looking to place the blame on anybody but the obvious choice - themselves. I'm sorry for your pain.

[Suzeecat]

First of all, you can tell yourself that you did the best you could with what you had to work with. That's all anyone can ask. If you worked two jobs for all those years chances are there were times that your children wished they had more time to spend with you. When you weren't working you were probably too exhausted to always get up and go where they wanted. Just the fact that you care about how they feel now means that you are a caring mother.

Also, you have no control over your children's outside influences. Their spouses may tell them about your perceived faults because their own parent were different. Then there's always the ever-present media telling us how our lives are "supposed to" be.

If you can sit down and talk with them to ask them how they feel and have the chance to tell them how you feel, you should do that. Chances are they will bring up things that you could have/should have done differently and maybe all they need to hear is that you're sorry and wish you could have done more/better and will try going forward. I can't imagine what more they could ask at this point. I had my own gripes about my mom growing up, but I tell myself that she did her best. No one is perfect and there is no owner's manual for children.

In any case, I'd say find a good therapist to help you work through your loss.

[pinkskates4]

No doubt you did the very best you could. People usually do. Almost no one sets out to be a bad parent.

While you are focusing on your role, there was a father also. It could be your kids feel failed by him as well.

If you were working two jobs and had little time for them and they also had little contact with their dad, they may well feel they had to grow up too fast and never had a childhood. Not saying that is your fault, but denying it had an effect on them - or insisting that it shouldn't have effected them is not going to help the current situation.

It's fine to tell people they should just get over things, but when you are a vulnerable child and are hurt, those hurts can be internalized in ways that are not easy to just forget. Messages received as children can affect behavior for years to come.

It's good your daughter is getting therapy. I'd recommend it for you and your son as well. And then you can talk and all begin to heal.

[jubilant]

If you know you did the best you could then there is not much you can do but hope that through counseling or life itself, they will learn not to pass the blame on you for their problems. I always told my kids....never put me on a pedestal because I am human and I will make mistakes but I want you to know this....I never intentionally set out to hurt you and everything I did at the time, I did because I thought it was the right thing to do and had your best interest at heart at all times. Let them know that you love them. That's all you can really do. I am sorry for your pain. Some people are forced to make a life outside of their family. It's important to have friends and a support group or maybe other members of your family who support you and make as good a life for yourself as you can. Hopefully, they will see things in a different light given some time. I will say a prayer for you.

[ivey]

Hopefully, both will go to counseling and they can point out to them that you were trying to do the best you knew how to do at the time. It would be nice if they could acknowledge that you had great losses at this time also--your parents and your marriage. Maybe they can be more understanding--but it will probably take an outsider like a counselor to point that out. You won't get far pleading your own case.

If you can apologize for anything you realize you did wrong, that may help to heal the hurts. Examine your own actions to see if you could have done anything differently. And try your best to keep all lines (however small) open to communication.

I can identify somewhat. Just start from now and go forward.

[Tabbycat]

You worked your hind end off for them and this is what they think of their childhood??

I'm sorry to say this, but I know a few young people who sound a lot like your 2 kids.

I would not hesitate to say that you did too much for them and now they are a couple of spoiled ungrateful brats. I hope they will have a different opinion after they live their life for another 15 or 20 years. Time will sometimes make them look back and see it wasn't so bad after all.

[twocent]

On 2/24/2014 chi5925 said:

There are always 2 sides to every story.

If your daughter is going to therapy re: her childhood and one of your sons no longer speaks to you, it tells me that there is a huge disconnect in your thinking of how you raised them.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

You might be surprise to learn the parent who gives ones heart and soul , along with every dime scraped together - often becomes the "villain."

I am going to leave it at that . While yes, there are "two sides," we aren't dealing with pancakes here.

[hyacinth003]

Is there any way you could talk to THEM about what they are feeling? Open a conversation with them?

Most of us don't know a lot of what our parents really went through.

You may need your own kind of therapy to deal with your feelings of having done all that you could.

I'm guess there is more to this somehow. You need to find out more and get some help for yourself too.

Hyacinth

[ennui1]

On 2/24/2014 twocent said:

I am going to leave it at that . While yes, there are "two sides," we aren't dealing with pancakes here.

That's a good line. I hope I can remember it.

I think all kids like to blame their parents for everything that goes wrong in their lives.

Venus, tell your kids "I'm sorry you had a rotten childhood. Get over it."