Wedding dilemma - Page 5

Abrowneyegirl · ‎03-15-2010

@panda1234wrote:
@Abrowneyegirlwrote:
As someone who got married in the last 10 years I would not call this a "huge" or an "expensive" wedding.
We paid for our own wedding and we invited who we wanted to.

Simple solution- Cap your contribution to whatever it is now, nicely explain this to the bride and groom and had them a check and your address book. If they want to invite another 50 or even 100 guests it will not be on your dime. But, it may make them happy to have the control over the guest list.
@Abrowneyegirl We are of modest means and to us this is a lot of money. It could have been done for less and still be very nice.
I do like your solution, wish I had posted this sooner.....I would have just given them a check. We already committed to rehearsal dinner, farewell breakfast, flowers and half of the shower.

I would hope your son and bride would understand and be sensitive to the fact that this is a stretch you to cover these ever mounting expenses. I can not imagine that he thinks this is unlimited budget situation.

The items you agreed to paid can easily cost several thousand dollars. A conversation may be needed ASAP (unless of course you are 100% control of the items you are paying for).

You do not want to get a $10,000 bill for the above items not realizing that every centerpiece cost several hundred dollars.

Trust me I remember how quickly all the little things add up to big $$$$

Katcat1 · ‎07-21-2011

@panda1234 First of all the Bride's parents pay for the wedding. You should not be paying for flowers or the fairwell breakfast. You are suppose to be responsible for the reharsal dinner only. I would make sure you tell you son you are going beyond what is expected and you are not inviting anyone else. It sounds like they want you to invite your friends and pay for them. That is a lot of nerve. You should not pay. That's why I had a small wedding. I had excellent catered food that was all different appetizers high grade and about 45 people and it was in my residence. It's a one day affair and I cannot understand why people spend so much money. I would rather have the money but younger couples want the big wedding. My heart goes out to you in this trying time.

kindness is strength

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@Abrowneyegirlwrote:
@panda1234wrote:
@Abrowneyegirlwrote:
As someone who got married in the last 10 years I would not call this a "huge" or an "expensive" wedding.
We paid for our own wedding and we invited who we wanted to.

Simple solution- Cap your contribution to whatever it is now, nicely explain this to the bride and groom and had them a check and your address book. If they want to invite another 50 or even 100 guests it will not be on your dime. But, it may make them happy to have the control over the guest list.
@Abrowneyegirl We are of modest means and to us this is a lot of money. It could have been done for less and still be very nice.
I do like your solution, wish I had posted this sooner.....I would have just given them a check. We already committed to rehearsal dinner, farewell breakfast, flowers and half of the shower.
I would hope your son and bride would understand and be sensitive to the fact that this is a stretch you to cover these ever mounting expenses. I can not imagine that he thinks this is unlimited budget situation.
The items you agreed to paid can easily cost several thousand dollars. A conversation may be needed ASAP (unless of course you are 100% control of the items you are paying for).
You do not want to get a $10,000 bill for the above items not realizing that every centerpiece cost several hundred dollars.
Trust me I remember how quickly all the little things add up to big $$$$

@Abrowneyegirl I will be lucky if it costs $10,000, I think it will be over that. Another person said we should have just given them a check, what we could afford towards the wedding.......she was right.

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

I can't say what you should do.....so just speaking for myself, I think I would set down with my son and future daughter-in-law and explain how I feel about inviting people we haven't seen in years or inviting people that didn't even know them. Also explain that the added expense would be a hardship financially for you at this point. It seems to me that you have already gone above and beyond what is expected of the grooms family. Nothing wrong with that...you did it freely out of love. Still everyone has their limits financially and your son and future daughter-in-law will have to figure it out for themselves. If you choose to go into more debt that is totally up to you but I would draw the line at inviting friends just to keep from looking lopsided. That is using people, imo.

One more thing. I have seen weddings where the ushers were told to seat people evenly on both sides of the church or facility. Not close relatives but those who would normally be seated further back anyway.

It's kind of sad you are even being put in this position. I feel for you. I think being as kind and honest as you can in relaying this message to them is the best policy. I wished you hadn't been put in this postition. I feel for you.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@Katcat1wrote:
@panda1234 First of all the Bride's parents pay for the wedding. You should not be paying for flowers or the fairwell breakfast. You are suppose to be responsible for the reharsal dinner only. I would make sure you tell you son you are going beyond what is expected and you are not inviting anyone else. It sounds like they want you to invite your friends and pay for them. That is a lot of nerve. You should not pay. That's why I had a small wedding. I had excellent catered food that was all different appetizers high grade and about 45 people and it was in my residence. It's a one day affair and I cannot understand why people spend so much money. I would rather have the money but younger couples want the big wedding. My heart goes out to you in this trying time.

@Katcat1 you and I are old school, paying only for the rehersal dinner. Today things are much different and that does not apply. I too had a small wedding, 100 people including my husband and myself. We had a high end caterer, the food was great and that is what people talk about. Unbeknownst to me, since my parents did not spend a lot on the wedding they gave us a chunk of money to put down on a home. It was all good, I had the wedding I wanted and bought a house in the end.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@jubilantwrote:
I can't say what you should do.....so just speaking for myself, I think I would set down with my son and future daughter-in-law and explain how I feel about inviting people we haven't seen in years or inviting people that didn't even know them. Also explain that the added expense would be a hardship financially for you at this point. It seems to me that you have already gone above and beyond what is expected of the grooms family. Nothing wrong with that...you did it freely out of love. Still everyone has their limits financially and your son and future daughter-in-law will have to figure it out for themselves. If you choose to go into more debt that is totally up to you but I would draw the line at inviting friends just to keep from looking lopsided. That is using people, imo.

One more thing. I have seen weddings where the ushers were told to seat people evenly on both sides of the church or facility. Not close relatives but those who would normally be seated further back anyway.

It's kind of sad you are even being put in this position. I feel for you. I think being as kind and honest as you can in relaying this message to them is the best policy. I wished you hadn't been put in this postition. I feel for you.

@jubilant thank you for your input. Regarding the seating, I just wanted to share this cute sign we saw at a wedding, "choose a seat not a side, we are all family once the knot is tied"

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@qualitygalwrote:
This is just me personally....is your son planning to pay for those others? You have enough costs going on. I had no idea weddings today cost this much. I'd have never done that. I'd have eloped first. Make it clear to him he pays for anyone he invites since your budget is already at an end. Hopefully he will understand. I'm sure someone else is pressuring him to go this extra mile. This way he can tell them that.

@qualitygal my thoughts exactly, someone else is pressuring him. I know him and he could care less about these people being invited or not,

Hoovermom · ‎03-19-2010

@panda1234: I know what you are saying about you know your son and he could care less about inviting these people. My son's role is to make his new bride to be happy, and I am trying to let him do that. My role is stepping aside and letting them do their thing. I am happy that your son is trying to make his wife to be happy even if that is not who you think he is. I feel like I am rambling here but I know what I am trying to say. My DS is now making his own family, and I am trying to give him his wings.

Carmie · ‎10-25-2010

@Katcat1wrote:
@panda1234 First of all the Bride's parents pay for the wedding. You should not be paying for flowers or the fairwell breakfast. You are suppose to be responsible for the reharsal dinner only. I would make sure you tell you son you are going beyond what is expected and you are not inviting anyone else. It sounds like they want you to invite your friends and pay for them. That is a lot of nerve. You should not pay. That's why I had a small wedding. I had excellent catered food that was all different appetizers high grade and about 45 people and it was in my residence. It's a one day affair and I cannot understand why people spend so much money. I would rather have the money but younger couples want the big wedding. My heart goes out to you in this trying time.

The groom has always been responsible for paying for the flowers. It was considered proper etiquette when I got married 45 years ago, so it isn’t something new.

Fortunally for us, my DH got off of the hook in paying the flower bill for our wedding. The florist was a friend of my DH and was on vacation when the area where his flower shop was located was flooded during hurricane Agnes almost to the second floor.

When the water started to rise, my DH and his friends broke into the flower shop with a crow bar and carried whatever they could up to the owner’s residence on the 2nd floor. The flower shop was completely empty as the water rose almost to the ceiling. They also found the keys to his second car and moved it to another location.

The owner was thrilled when he came home and found his car and most importantly that his financial records and future flower reservation lists were spared that he gave us the most beautiful and expensive flower arrangements at no cost. He was also invited to our wedding as a guest too.

We are still friends with the man, but he no longer is the flowers business and is retired. He is now a local politician.

lulu1 · ‎03-29-2011

From The Knot

Traditionally

Ceremony

Bride and family pay for church or synagogue, sexton, organist and so on.
Groom and family pay for marriage license and officiant fee.

Wedding Attire

Bride and family pay for bride's dress, veil, accessories and trousseau (read: lingerie and honeymoon clothes).
Groom and family pay for groom's outfit.
All attendants pay for their own clothing, including shoes. (Here's a full list of costs the bridal party is expected to cover.)

Flowers and Decorations

Bride and family pay for floral arrangements for the ceremony (including a chuppah if it's a Jewish wedding ceremony) and reception, plus bouquets and corsages for bridesmaids and flower girls.
Groom and family pay for the bride's bouquet, boutonnieres for men and corsages for mothers and grandmothers.

Honeymoon

Groom and family pay for the complete honeymoon.

Photography

Bride and family pay for all wedding photos and video.

Prewedding Parties

Bride's or groom's family plans and hosts the engagement party; if there's more than one, the bride's family hosts the first one.
Groom's family plans and hosts the rehearsal dinner.
Maid of honor and bridesmaids host the bridal shower and bachelorette party.
Best man and groomsmen host the bachelor party.
Friends may throw additional engagement parties or showers.

Reception