Wedding dilemma - Page 4

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@jubilantwrote:
I am not sure what I would do as there are probably a lot of circumstances you couldn't go into and I would have to ask too many questions.

Personally, I don't think "appearances" should matter. One side being more than another that is. I don't think it is uncommon to have a noticeable difference in attendance especially if many friends and/or family live out of state. That may not be your situation so a lot would depend on why you don't want to invite other friends? Maybe it could be that your friends didn't have the money for the dinner? Could they just come to the wedding? Maybe they want you to invite friends you haven't talked to in years and you feel it's not right.....lots of maybe's here? If it's going to put a financial burden on you......maybe you should just share your feelings with your son and go from there.

@jubilant part of it is financial and the other part is these are not our son's friends these are our friends. Some he has never met and some he has not seen in several years.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@Hoovermomwrote:
As the mother of the groom-to-be in the next few months, I would give them the names of the friends. Have you thought that these close friends may be a little hurt that you did not include them? At this point, what is a few more dollars. I understand all of the costs involved in weddings since we are incurring them at a rapid speed. Somedays I think the old adage for the mother of the groom "show up, shut up and wear beige" is appropriate. The relationship with my future DIL is more important than $$$$$. It is their wedding and you should do everything you can to make it as seamless as possible for them which makes it easier for you.

@Hoovermom you are right, my relationship with my future DIL is very important. You sound like you are going to be a great MIL, she is lucky to have you. Best of luck with the wedding, keep us posted.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@Big Joaniewrote:
All I know is this wedding stuff has gotten way way out of control .....

@Big Joanie I have just one word "elopement". I heard they even do packages now.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@NicksmomESQwrote:
If the brides family is picking up the entire tab for these extra guests then invite them.If it’s going to cost you more money that you don’t have talk to your son.Tell him you can’t afford to impress his in laws, period.
These days a lot of couples pay for their own weddings.I raised my son.I bought him 2 cars, sent him to college & still buy him stuff to help him out until he graduates from law school.There is no way I’m paying for his wedding.I will give him a generous wedding gift but that’s it!! No guilt here.
P.S. DH & I were married over 37 years ago.We paid for our own wedding.We had a small one because we had no money. We’re still together.Most of our friends who had lavish country club affairs are divorced!! They also turned their noses up at us at the time for having a “cheap” wedding!!

@NicksmomESQ you are so right about those big weddings. Most, not all that I know of have ended in divorce.

Carmie · ‎10-25-2010

When my daughter got married, we made up ourbguest list and asked the grooms family to make up theirs. Their list was smaller than ours because their family is smaller.

The list had around 250 people from both sides. Some people sent their regrets, so the actual count was down to around 200 people.

My husband and I paid for everything, the bridal gown, the maids gowns, the flowers, the church, the reception hall...all the food, open bar, entertainment and pictures.

I called the grooms mother twice to discus what to wear and she rushed me off of the phone both times. We must have spoken 45 seconds each time I called.

My daughter asked about the rehearsal dinner and I said, I was not going to pay for that too.

I had no idea if there was going to be a rehearsal dinner or not, until we were at the church for the rehearsal. The grooms family announced that we should all meet at a restaurant for dinner. ( they were expecting us) Some of the maids could not attend because they didn’t have a babysitter for the extra time they would be at dinner and the spouses of the maids and groomsmen didn’t get to attend because no invites were made ahead of time. The ere only a few of us there. Very weird if you ask me.

i didn’t mind paying for the guests at all. What really got me ticked off was quite a few of the groom’s family members who sent back saying they were coming. Instead, They went to a football game and never called to tell me they wouldn’t be there. It cost me almost $2500 for no shows. I was really not happy about their rude behavior.

I told my daughter and her husband that I wouldn’t ever invite those people to anything I was hosting...ever. And they have never been on any guest list since then.

If the brides family is traditional, they will pay for the reception. It is traditional that the grooms family pay for the rehearsal dinner and flowers.

BTW, At my very large reception when I got married, there were many people who were friends of my parents that I didn’t know. I still have the guest signature book almost 45 years later, and am still have no idea who they were.

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

@panda1234wrote:
@steviebwrote:
With all due respect, you don't feel he's honoring your wishes, but is it possible he feels you aren't honoring his... and isn't it his wedding...?

Were you expected to ante up more than you're willing, which is a very legitimate factor, then simply tell him so. If, on the other hand, the bride's parents are willing to over-pay for this event, as so many throwing weddings clearly do, then cost becomes less of a factor.
@stevieb You are right, it is his wedding and I keep reminding myself of that. These extra people are friends of mine and my husband, some he has never met or seen in the past eight or more years. To me it looks like a gift grab and I don't want that.

@panda1234 I understand completely. I'd not looked at it that way, but if you think that's a concern then I can certainly understand your reluctance to have your friends, who are somewhat distanct contacts of your son's, feel obligated to either attend or to send gifts. Hoping it all works out for the best.

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@panda1234wrote:
@chrystaltree family is invited and we can not afford the extra people on top of what we already will be paying. I don't know what exactly my son is paying for. All of us never sat down and talked about this which was a big mistake. The bride wanted this expensive venue and parents said ok.

Well, obviosuly you did indeed discuss wedding expenses because you have assumed quite a lot with all the things you said you are paying for. I understand if you can't afford more on top of what you agreed to but I don't understand why you won't explain that to your son. I don't understand why you call this a dilemna when all you have to do is tell him that while you understand he'd like to invite some additional guests, you and dad simply don't have the money for it....on top of what you have all agreed to. Which is lot. So, if he wants to invite more guests, he has to pay.

jeanlake · ‎03-10-2010

I didn't realize being lopsided, regarding invitations, was a problem in weddings. It's been a while. Be honest with you son about not wanting to appear you're going for gifts with people your son doesn't know well. I would feel the same way.

"I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees." Henry David Thoreau

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@kaydee50wrote:
I don't quite understand. The bride's family is paying for the reception, your son wants to invite your friends, why wouldn't you?? They don't need to be invited to the events you're paying for--a farewell breakfast???? Also, it is the bride's day. Unless it means some undue financial stress for you--and I don't see it what way--give your son the addresses he wants.

@kaydee50 These are people he has never met or some that he has not seen in about 8 years. Looks like we are looking for gifts.....that's how I see it.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@Carmiewrote:
When my daughter got married, we made up ourbguest list and asked the grooms family to make up theirs. Their list was smaller than ours because their family is smaller.

The list had around 250 people from both sides. Some people sent their regrets, so the actual count was down to around 200 people.

My husband and I paid for everything, the bridal gown, the maids gowns, the flowers, the church, the reception hall...all the food, open bar, entertainment and pictures.

I called the grooms mother twice to discus what to wear and she rushed me off of the phone both times. We must have spoken 45 seconds each time I called.

My daughter asked about the rehearsal dinner and I said, I was not going to pay for that too.

I had no idea if there was going to be a rehearsal dinner or not, until we were at the church for the rehearsal. The grooms family announced that we should all meet at a restaurant for dinner. ( they were expecting us) Some of the maids could not attend because they didn’t have a babysitter for the extra time they would be at dinner and the spouses of the maids and groomsmen didn’t get to attend because no invites were made ahead of time. The ere only a few of us there. Very weird if you ask me.

i didn’t mind paying for the guests at all. What really got me ticked off was quite a few of the groom’s family members who sent back saying they were coming. Instead, They went to a football game and never called to tell me they wouldn’t be there. It cost me almost $2500 for no shows. I was really not happy about their rude behavior.

I told my daughter and her husband that I wouldn’t ever invite those people to anything I was hosting...ever. And they have never been on any guest list since then.

If the brides family is traditional, they will pay for the reception. It is traditional that the grooms family pay for the rehearsal dinner and flowers.

BTW, At my very large reception when I got married, there were many people who were friends of my parents that I didn’t know. I still have the guest signature book almost 45 years later, and am still have no idea who they were.

@Carmie WOW what a story...my heart goes out to you. Not only did you pay for everything, those rude people that didn't show up takes the cake. That would leave a bad taste in my mouth.