Mom to Mom

[panda1234]

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@SANNAwrote:

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@panda1234wrote:

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@SANNAwrote:

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@panda1234wrote:

This could be long so I am only going to give you the cliff notes. Son is getting married,huge wedding......her side 155 guests, our side 45. We are paying for flowers, rehearsal dinner, fair well breakfast the next morning (50 people at each) and half of the shower. (60 people). This wedding is expensive, $150 per person. My husband and I have several friends who are not on the list due to the fact we are not paying and the cost. Brides family keeps pushing us to invite these people so it is not so lopsided, we said no, in a nice way.  Well, my son is asking for addresses of our friends, after we said no. I see this as not honoring our wishes. How would you nicely handle this? 

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First, congrats on your son’s upcoming wedding!  I think you are being nice and generous paying for rehearsal, flowers, breakfast,etc.

If you call these people friends ,why don’t you want to invite them? Seems like the young couple likes them enough to want them there and your DIL parents too. Is there anything about these people that you do not want them at the wedding. Are they cheap?You suspect they wouldn’t cover their plates?  Weddings are complicated. I married off my daughter a year ago and was very happy with our and the other family guests presents. Everybody brought a lot of money. The kids actually profited on the event.

If I were you I would honestly approach my son and gave him all the reasons( whatever they might be) why you do not wish to invite these people. If it is just money..... on the big scheme of things... you are already spending... why not to make 3verybody happy and not hurt th3 feelings o& your friends and kids.. again, it is just my uneducated question. Sorry.

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@SANNA The couple does not even know these people, that is why I feel funny about inviting them. I never heard of guests covering their plate. Does that mean give whatever the meal costs? How would they know what the cost is? Just wondering, did the bride and groom tell you what people gave? 

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If your kids do not now your friends they want you to invite then this is your right to tell them “no”. I was under the impression that they knew them too. Only because my daughter throughout life developed some special relationships with my close friends.

To answer your money question, I live in Nj/Ny area and everybody pretty much aware how much weddings cost these days. Our wedding guests were only family and friends,so the gifts were very generous. I myself if invited to non family wedding bring $400 for 2 people. For the family we bring more. Maybe some cultural traditions are playing the role here.

And yes, my daughter told me how much people had gifted them, I do not see anything strange in this. We are very close and we were very involved in their wedding. Most people I know are aware who brings what after their kids wedding. Again , maybe it is NJ/NY thing.

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@SANNA My son is very closed mouth and would never tell who gave what, that's who he is. I would love to know but would never ask. 

[SANNA]

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@panda1234wrote:

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@SANNAwrote:

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@panda1234wrote:

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@SANNAwrote:

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@panda1234wrote:

This could be long so I am only going to give you the cliff notes. Son is getting married,huge wedding......her side 155 guests, our side 45. We are paying for flowers, rehearsal dinner, fair well breakfast the next morning (50 people at each) and half of the shower. (60 people). This wedding is expensive, $150 per person. My husband and I have several friends who are not on the list due to the fact we are not paying and the cost. Brides family keeps pushing us to invite these people so it is not so lopsided, we said no, in a nice way.  Well, my son is asking for addresses of our friends, after we said no. I see this as not honoring our wishes. How would you nicely handle this? 

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First, congrats on your son’s upcoming wedding!  I think you are being nice and generous paying for rehearsal, flowers, breakfast,etc.

If you call these people friends ,why don’t you want to invite them? Seems like the young couple likes them enough to want them there and your DIL parents too. Is there anything about these people that you do not want them at the wedding. Are they cheap?You suspect they wouldn’t cover their plates?  Weddings are complicated. I married off my daughter a year ago and was very happy with our and the other family guests presents. Everybody brought a lot of money. The kids actually profited on the event.

If I were you I would honestly approach my son and gave him all the reasons( whatever they might be) why you do not wish to invite these people. If it is just money..... on the big scheme of things... you are already spending... why not to make 3verybody happy and not hurt th3 feelings o& your friends and kids.. again, it is just my uneducated question. Sorry.

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@SANNA The couple does not even know these people, that is why I feel funny about inviting them. I never heard of guests covering their plate. Does that mean give whatever the meal costs? How would they know what the cost is? Just wondering, did the bride and groom tell you what people gave? 

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If your kids do not now your friends they want you to invite then this is your right to tell them “no”. I was under the impression that they knew them too. Only because my daughter throughout life developed some special relationships with my close friends.

To answer your money question, I live in Nj/Ny area and everybody pretty much aware how much weddings cost these days. Our wedding guests were only family and friends,so the gifts were very generous. I myself if invited to non family wedding bring $400 for 2 people. For the family we bring more. Maybe some cultural traditions are playing the role here.

And yes, my daughter told me how much people had gifted them, I do not see anything strange in this. We are very close and we were very involved in their wedding. Most people I know are aware who brings what after their kids wedding. Again , maybe it is NJ/NY thing.

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@SANNA My son is very closed mouth and would never tell who gave what, that's who he is. I would love to know but would never ask. 

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As I said, people are different. My daughter is a very private person and never overshares or gossips about people. But we invested sooo much effort and emotions in that wedding to make it a fairytale event so she felt like telling me how generous our guests were . It made me feel good because I was always generous at other people events. And also I should say that my daughter is one of the most wonderful and thoughtful gift givers I have ever seen. 

[Gayle2]

I haven't read all the responses so I hope I am not repeating.  Rather then argue on logistics, why don't you just put out what the budget is that you will honor.   That is what I did with my son when things got carried away.   I actually sent him a check and told him this is what we budgeted, spend it how you want to towards your wedding.  It was simple and no one came back with new requests.  I will add the my son and now DIL were hands on in all the planning.   So this worked.

[Hoovermom]

@panda1234:  DS's wedding was this past weekend, and in my mind it was EPIC.  All of the struggles that went into it paid off in the end.  New DIL was absolutely gorgeous in her gown, DS was so handsome and DH and I were in heaven.  The rehearsal dinner was a big hit with all of the guests invited (200+) which DH and I hosted.  After it is all said and done I would not have changed anything that I had my hand in LOL.  I must warn you that after the rehearsal dinner, wedding and after party, the day after all of these events, you will be spent.  But for me it did not end there as I closed all of the loops that the mother of the bride chose not to do but go home LOL.  I will keep my mouth shut when the newlyweds come home and act like it was all smooth sailing after the wedding.  Today is the first day I am spending doing whatever I wish to do (sitting in the recliner looking for a bottle of wine LOL).  For me I am so glad I chose to do everything that my DS and DIL wished for their big day.  I have no regrets.  Best of luck with the upcoming nuptials.

[Hoovermom]

@panda1234:  I just wanted to add a note about guests of DH and I who DS didn't know personally but had hear of them over the years.  They came!!  They had a great time and DS was so happy they chose to share this happy day with us.  I hear all of this gift grabbing and have never understood it.  If you want to come, come.  If you don't, don't.  Send a gift, don't send a gift.  For us it is not about "gifts" but about spending time with friends and families.  I heard DS telling someone that he would rather them spend money on getting there than a present for the newlyweds.  He meant it.  

[panda1234]

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@Gayle2wrote:

I haven't read all the responses so I hope I am not repeating.  Rather then argue on logistics, why don't you just put out what the budget is that you will honor.   That is what I did with my son when things got carried away.   I actually sent him a check and told him this is what we budgeted, spend it how you want to towards your wedding.  It was simple and no one came back with new requests.  I will add the my son and now DIL were hands on in all the planning.   So this worked.

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@Gayle2 I really wished I had done that. 

[panda1234]

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@Hoovermomwrote:

@panda1234:  DS's wedding was this past weekend, and in my mind it was EPIC.  All of the struggles that went into it paid off in the end.  New DIL was absolutely gorgeous in her gown, DS was so handsome and DH and I were in heaven.  The rehearsal dinner was a big hit with all of the guests invited (200+) which DH and I hosted.  After it is all said and done I would not have changed anything that I had my hand in LOL.  I must warn you that after the rehearsal dinner, wedding and after party, the day after all of these events, you will be spent.  But for me it did not end there as I closed all of the loops that the mother of the bride chose not to do but go home LOL.  I will keep my mouth shut when the newlyweds come home and act like it was all smooth sailing after the wedding.  Today is the first day I am spending doing whatever I wish to do (sitting in the recliner looking for a bottle of wine LOL).  For me I am so glad I chose to do everything that my DS and DIL wished for their big day.  I have no regrets.  Best of luck with the upcoming nuptials.

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@Hoovermom So very happy all went well for you. You had a huge rehearsal dinner, we are having 50 and I think that is a lot. I am jealous you have this behind you. It does sound like a lovely day.

[kittyloo]

why on earth would anyone send a wedding "check" to a couple you don't even know? boggles my mind.

i wonder how many checks i would get if i just went through a phonebook asking for a wedding gift.

you feel obligated to send a gift or check just because you got a invite from someone you didn't know?  

what if there was a mix-up in the address? and you got the invite by mistake?

just me. 

[lovesrecess]

You didn't say the age of your son. If he is out of school and has a job,  then he should contribute to the wedding. My youngest daughter paid for a lot of her big wedding. She had finished grad school and had a great job and so did her future husband. Depends on the age of the couple as well, I know many are waiting to marry until they have established their careers. They pay for most of their wedding so it can be exactly the way they want it to be.  You should not feel obligated to spend more than you can afford. If he can pay for the extra guests, by all means, invite them!