Mom to Mom

[panda1234]

---

@Carmiewrote:

---

@panda1234wrote:

@SUHsE  I think you misunderstood. I felt it would be awkward for people to be invited to a wedding where they never met the bride or groom. We have been put in that same position, declined and just sent a check. 

---

Well, you should have added that detail in your cliff notes.  Scheech!

---

@Carmie Sorry, I was trying to keep it brief.

[panda1234]

---

@Mominohiowrote:

---

@SUHsEwrote:

---

@panda1234wrote:

---

@Mominohiowrote:

---

@panda1234wrote:

---

@steviebwrote:

With all due respect, you don't feel he's honoring your wishes, but is it possible he feels you aren't honoring his... and isn't it his wedding...? 

Were you expected to ante up more than you're willing, which is a very legitimate factor, then simply tell him so. If, on the other hand, the bride's parents are willing to over-pay for this event, as so many throwing weddings clearly do, then cost becomes less of a factor.

---

@stevieb You are right, it is his wedding and I keep reminding myself of that. These extra people are friends of mine and my husband, some he has never met or seen in the past eight or more years.  To me it looks like a gift grab and I don't want that. 

---

And exactly why you stick to your guns with this. I would not have my distant friends put in a compromising position for a showy wedding. The bride, groom and her family or anyone else that thinks you should just give up this information are totally wrong. Period. Stand your ground in this. It will indeed make you look bad and look like a gift grab. 

---

@Mominohio Again you are right and that is just how I feel......like a gift grab.

---

————————

How would it put your friends  in a bad position?  They would be invited to a wedding, Not an audience, with the Queen.  If your friends don’t wish to, or can’t attend, a prompt,polite, RSVP, declining, is all thats needed.  

---

Obviously you don't have it, but in many circles there is kind of an unwritten rule to not take advantage of distance friends or acquaintances by asking them to buy things from your kids selling for whatever, invite them to events that require money or time spent, when they really don't know you or your children very well, or haven't been a part of the person's life for a long time. 

It puts people on the spot, makes you look greedy, and is a position I don't appreciate being put in, so I am careful not to do it to others. 

People on the fringe of your life (or in this case the fringe of your children's lives) aren't interested in coming to an event like this. They aren't interested in forking out the time or the money for an event for people they barely know, or even if they did, don't have much contact with in recent years. 

People flatter themselves when they really believe that everyone they ever met or knew is offended by not being invited to some social event. They are actually relieved to not have to pay/go/refuse. 

---

@Mominohio Thank you. Well said. I am glad you mentioned the guests giving up their time as well as money. It seems today we never have enough time to just do the things that need to be done. When you go to a wedding that is giving up a whole day. And it is actually a relief not to be invited as you mentioned. 

[panda1234]

---

@queendivawrote:

@panda1234: First- Congratulations to your family and your son on the occasion of his upcoming marriage!

I am a recent MOG myself! Do not stress over this extra guest thing. ITA with you. No thank you to additional guests. If they want to invite more people, they should be friends and even co-workers of the bride and groom.

As far as rules of who pays what goes, I think that's an antiquated standard. To each family their own based on their own finances. If my DIL's family wanted total say and chose to pick up the entire tab- more power to them. Our families are of similar means. Both families and the bride and groom worked hard to plan a very lovely wedding that looked like a lot more than was spent. I chose to pay for the church and musicians as I was surprised and delighted that DS chose the church, which was near their home, not the bride's family's and was in our faith. As both families live in adjoining states it was my choice to pay for a bridal shower to invite the women in my family, friends and DS's female friends. I did not host it, I asked my wonderful sister-in-law to host.. Bride's mom hosted another shower at her home. Different guest lists, different styles. I think brides mom was miffed until she attended and enjoyed it. Of course both moms attended both showers.

I also told DS what MY budget was and they could spend it as they chose, which they did. I hosted the rehearsal dinner- paid for invitations, decorations, food, drink, tips with approval of bride and groom on the site and menu, although a location large enough to accommodate the guests was limited. Focus on that and have a truly great evening, as we did. It's the first time all the important players meet each other- immediate families, bridal party members and their S/Os.Plan well!

IMO you are going above and beyond for brunch. We all stayed at the same modest hotel, breakfast was included. I suggest that your guests may appreciate a casual brunch. Everyone will be tired from all the celebrating from the night before!

Enjoy. Less stress and more fun for the MOG!

---

@queendiva Your event sounds lovely. In hindsight we should have given them a check for them to use as they pleased. The brunch will be casual and short, 2 hours.

[NYC Susan]

---

@SUHsEwrote:

---

@panda1234wrote:

---

@Mominohiowrote:

---

@panda1234wrote:

---

@steviebwrote:

With all due respect, you don't feel he's honoring your wishes, but is it possible he feels you aren't honoring his... and isn't it his wedding...? 

Were you expected to ante up more than you're willing, which is a very legitimate factor, then simply tell him so. If, on the other hand, the bride's parents are willing to over-pay for this event, as so many throwing weddings clearly do, then cost becomes less of a factor.

---

@stevieb You are right, it is his wedding and I keep reminding myself of that. These extra people are friends of mine and my husband, some he has never met or seen in the past eight or more years.  To me it looks like a gift grab and I don't want that. 

---

And exactly why you stick to your guns with this. I would not have my distant friends put in a compromising position for a showy wedding. The bride, groom and her family or anyone else that thinks you should just give up this information are totally wrong. Period. Stand your ground in this. It will indeed make you look bad and look like a gift grab. 

---

@Mominohio Again you are right and that is just how I feel......like a gift grab.

---

————————

How would it put your friends  in a bad position?  They would be invited to a wedding, Not an audience, with the Queen.  If your friends don’t wish to, or can’t attend, a prompt,polite, RSVP, declining, is all thats needed.  

---

Exactly!

Whenever this type of discussion comes up, I always say that it's an invitation, not a command performance.  If people don't want to attend or cannot attend - for whatever reason - they are perfectly welcome to decline.

I've never been offended by an invitation, but I read about that all the time here.  I attend if I want to and if I can.  Otherwise, I politely decline, wish them well, send a gift if I'm so inclined, and move on with my life.  No one expects that everyone invited will attend.  An invitation is a question, not a command.

[SANNA]

---

@panda1234wrote:

This could be long so I am only going to give you the cliff notes. Son is getting married,huge wedding......her side 155 guests, our side 45. We are paying for flowers, rehearsal dinner, fair well breakfast the next morning (50 people at each) and half of the shower. (60 people). This wedding is expensive, $150 per person. My husband and I have several friends who are not on the list due to the fact we are not paying and the cost. Brides family keeps pushing us to invite these people so it is not so lopsided, we said no, in a nice way.  Well, my son is asking for addresses of our friends, after we said no. I see this as not honoring our wishes. How would you nicely handle this? 

---

First, congrats on your son’s upcoming wedding!  I think you are being nice and generous paying for rehearsal, flowers, breakfast,etc.

If you call these people friends ,why don’t you want to invite them? Seems like the young couple likes them enough to want them there and your DIL parents too. Is there anything about these people that you do not want them at the wedding. Are they cheap?You suspect they wouldn’t cover their plates?  Weddings are complicated. I married off my daughter a year ago and was very happy with our and the other family guests presents. Everybody brought a lot of money. The kids actually profited on the event.

If I were you I would honestly approach my son and gave him all the reasons( whatever they might be) why you do not wish to invite these people. If it is just money..... on the big scheme of things... you are already spending... why not to make 3verybody happy and not hurt th3 feelings o& your friends and kids.. again, it is just my uneducated question. Sorry.

[CelticCrafter]

---

@SANNAwrote:

---

---

First, congrats on your son’s upcoming wedding!  I think you are being nice and generous paying for rehearsal, flowers, breakfast,etc.

If you call these people friends ,why don’t you want to invite them? Seems like the young couple likes them enough to want them there and your DIL parents too. Is there anything about these people that you do not want them at the wedding. Are they cheap?You suspect they wouldn’t cover their plates?  Weddings are complicated. I married off my daughter a year ago and was very happy with our and the other family guests presents. Everybody brought a lot of money. The kids actually profited on the event.

If I were you I would honestly approach my son and gave him all the reasons( whatever they might be) why you do not wish to invite these people. If it is just money..... on the big scheme of things... you are already spending... why not to make 3verybody happy and not hurt th3 feelings o& your friends and kids.. again, it is just my uneducated question. Sorry.

---

This is the most ridiculous response I have ever read...

[panda1234]

---

@SANNAwrote:

---

@panda1234wrote:

This could be long so I am only going to give you the cliff notes. Son is getting married,huge wedding......her side 155 guests, our side 45. We are paying for flowers, rehearsal dinner, fair well breakfast the next morning (50 people at each) and half of the shower. (60 people). This wedding is expensive, $150 per person. My husband and I have several friends who are not on the list due to the fact we are not paying and the cost. Brides family keeps pushing us to invite these people so it is not so lopsided, we said no, in a nice way.  Well, my son is asking for addresses of our friends, after we said no. I see this as not honoring our wishes. How would you nicely handle this? 

---

First, congrats on your son’s upcoming wedding!  I think you are being nice and generous paying for rehearsal, flowers, breakfast,etc.

If you call these people friends ,why don’t you want to invite them? Seems like the young couple likes them enough to want them there and your DIL parents too. Is there anything about these people that you do not want them at the wedding. Are they cheap?You suspect they wouldn’t cover their plates?  Weddings are complicated. I married off my daughter a year ago and was very happy with our and the other family guests presents. Everybody brought a lot of money. The kids actually profited on the event.

If I were you I would honestly approach my son and gave him all the reasons( whatever they might be) why you do not wish to invite these people. If it is just money..... on the big scheme of things... you are already spending... why not to make 3verybody happy and not hurt th3 feelings o& your friends and kids.. again, it is just my uneducated question. Sorry.

---

@SANNA The couple does not even know these people, that is why I feel funny about inviting them. I never heard of guests covering their plate. Does that mean give whatever the meal costs? How would they know what the cost is? Just wondering, did the bride and groom tell you what people gave? 

[Allegheny]

@panda1234

I think I get it, correct me if I am wrong.  You have friends who don't know your son or his fiancee.  You do not feel comfortable sending them an invitation.  Yes, they can decline, but when an invite is received most people send a monetary gift out of etiquette and obligation.  You probably don't want to put your friends in this position.  

Additionally, you probably don't feel comfortable having the bride's parents pay for guests who have no relationship to your son just because they are close friends.  The bride's family probably don't feel this way, but if you feel uncomfortable stick to your guns.

I understand and feel the same way.   Perhaps the bride's parents and your son feel awkward about the small number of guests representing "his side".

[panda1234]

---

@Alleghenywrote:

@panda1234

I think I get it, correct me if I am wrong.  You have friends who don't know your son or his fiancee.  You do not feel comfortable sending them an invitation.  Yes, they can decline, but when an invite is received most people send a monetary gift out of etiquette and obligation.  You probably don't want to put your friends in this position.  

Additionally, you probably don't feel comfortable having the bride's parents pay for guests who have no relationship to your son just because they are close friends.  The bride's family probably don't feel this way, but if you feel uncomfortable stick to your guns.

I understand and feel the same way.   Perhaps the bride's parents and your son feel awkward about the small number of guests representing "his side".

---

@Allegheny Yes, you understand this completely. That is exactly how I feel. I am sticking to my guns and will be glad when it is over with.

[SANNA]

---

@panda1234wrote:

---

@SANNAwrote:

---

@panda1234wrote:

This could be long so I am only going to give you the cliff notes. Son is getting married,huge wedding......her side 155 guests, our side 45. We are paying for flowers, rehearsal dinner, fair well breakfast the next morning (50 people at each) and half of the shower. (60 people). This wedding is expensive, $150 per person. My husband and I have several friends who are not on the list due to the fact we are not paying and the cost. Brides family keeps pushing us to invite these people so it is not so lopsided, we said no, in a nice way.  Well, my son is asking for addresses of our friends, after we said no. I see this as not honoring our wishes. How would you nicely handle this? 

---

First, congrats on your son’s upcoming wedding!  I think you are being nice and generous paying for rehearsal, flowers, breakfast,etc.

If you call these people friends ,why don’t you want to invite them? Seems like the young couple likes them enough to want them there and your DIL parents too. Is there anything about these people that you do not want them at the wedding. Are they cheap?You suspect they wouldn’t cover their plates?  Weddings are complicated. I married off my daughter a year ago and was very happy with our and the other family guests presents. Everybody brought a lot of money. The kids actually profited on the event.

If I were you I would honestly approach my son and gave him all the reasons( whatever they might be) why you do not wish to invite these people. If it is just money..... on the big scheme of things... you are already spending... why not to make 3verybody happy and not hurt th3 feelings o& your friends and kids.. again, it is just my uneducated question. Sorry.

---

@SANNA The couple does not even know these people, that is why I feel funny about inviting them. I never heard of guests covering their plate. Does that mean give whatever the meal costs? How would they know what the cost is? Just wondering, did the bride and groom tell you what people gave? 

---

If your kids do not now your friends they want you to invite then this is your right to tell them “no”. I was under the impression that they knew them too. Only because my daughter throughout life developed some special relationships with my close friends.

To answer your money question, I live in Nj/Ny area and everybody pretty much aware how much weddings cost these days. Our wedding guests were only family and friends,so the gifts were very generous. I myself if invited to non family wedding bring $400 for 2 people. For the family we bring more. Maybe some cultural traditions are playing the role here.

And yes, my daughter told me how much people had gifted them, I do not see anything strange in this. We are very close and we were very involved in their wedding. Most people I know are aware who brings what after their kids wedding. Again , maybe it is NJ/NY thing.