Mom to Mom

[shoekitty]

@curlywhitedog

I can see an attachment to your home, because it is familiar.  You know every creak, every nook and cranny.  You know how your tub/shower works, the nuances of the toilets and may enjoy your garden. You are comfortable and "feel" independent.  But many aren't independent, they may "feel" it, but they are not.  Their kids are doing and thinking for them.  It is a worry you can't end.  First thing in the morning it hits you, and when you go to bed.  You hire the caretakers, gardeners, pay the pills, get a roofer, a plumber, painter.  Someone to fix stove.  You schedule their day, and make sure every hour is full  Then there is your own life and bills you can't find time for.  MY mom is blessed with a small fortune, a large fortune if she she lived outside california. She could be in a nice facility 3 blocks from us! , her own unit, meals in the dining area made to order 24 hours a day!  Activities galore.  You can hole up in your own place or go out to activity room.Then there are the trips, and a built in movie theater, with popcorn machine!  I am ready, LOL!  Someone does your laundry, cleaning and assists you IF you want it.  But no.  The family is working everyday to keep her big home maintained, her activity schedule full, her bills paid and shopping done.  But they think they do it all, so there is no arguing. My Mom says all the time, "Look at me.. 95, and independent, I still take care of myself and have to rely on no one".  Sooner is right.  It is what it is once it happens..

But it is true, many stay long after they should or is even safe.  When one has to call the police for well check because they leave the phone off the hook.  Did they make it back from their walk, did they burn the pans again.  It is always something when the body outlives the brain.  They call, "how do I turn on the heater", the heater isn't working, the oven won't shut off, or they refuse to lock doors because in reality they are afraid of loosing the key, yet again. It is always something

I am so glad my Mom ran over a divider and the police came.  He turned her in, which led to medical exam and loss of licence.  Remember,.. most when they are loosing their memory, don't think they are.  They just say, everyone has memory lapses. Then they forget they forgot.

[Mominohio]

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@bonnielu wrote:

Thinking ahead, I want to remain where I am.  I don't want to leave, downsize or ask for help from anyone.  That is what is going through my mind.  If others want to help me out I guess it is because they want to make it easier for me.  They are kind and I would appreciate that but if I want to be where I am I figure it is up to me to fix the situation.  So this is a two sided situation and anyone can see it two ways. Why should she have to give up what she loves and why should he have to stop helping her, but in either case it is a mutual discussion to solve the problem.  

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The problem becomes when the elderly person can no longer or will not fix  the situation. And it happens often.

If someone wants to remain independent, they have to commit the finances to it and know when they are endangering others and give up certain things like driving. When they don't, they are just proving that they are no longer capable of making their own decisions. 

It is selfish, at a certain age, to expect others to do for you when you won't meet them at least half way. If the OP's mother in law wants to stay in her home, she now needs to admit she needs to hire some household help, and someone to drive her. Then, the family far away, can see and trust that she is making good decisions, and not try to sway her desires to stay where she is.

[tedEbear]

  My Mom, 89, let me clean out her closet a month ago and finally got housekeeping once a month.  She stills drives and it scares me,but I'm scared of everything.  Mentally she is still sharp!!!!!!!   Physically, not so much. However, she is VERY active in a couple of organizations, so that is good.

   She thinks her home is still in tiptop condition and it is NOT.  It needs some electric work, massive painting and re-stuccoing.  She can't see it because they "upgraded" some carpet and floor tile  20+ years ago. 

   One good thing,, about 3yrs ago my DSis bought her one of those gadgets, if the button gets pressed, help comes.  She upgraded to a bracelet and a necklace, although they are clunky.  However, they do work!! Several times, she has had a phone, sometimes followed by the COPS.  Even, woke up with them in the house.  Oh yeah, she also has a hearing problem (she doesn't have,so she says)

    This might be a good idea for anyone out there.-------tedEbear

[Gayle2]

Hello,

The driving part is scary.  We had an lady in our city (she was in her early 80's) that hit a man on his bicycle.  She actually thought she hit a trash can and just keep on going.  The sad thing was that this lady was well known in our community for all that she did and her community support over the years.  There is even a park named after her.  In time during the investigation, it was discovered she was the hit and run driver.  It was just a very sad situation.

I can understand her wanting to be independent and the driving part has got to be agonizing for you and your husband. 

[NAES1]

Dear   beloved friend of all~

I am doing Great. KittieCream is eating so much...spending quality love Care has made her a new little soul~

I wanted to touch base, remembering your heartfelt thanks of charity work to some extent. I have not been as active as once was. Have a friend who is having some struggling health issues, so that means a lot to me.

Just checking in to give you a hug for what you are doing being with [E].....

Love by the bushels to her with multiple prayers. Amen.

  " as a!ways, thinking about one of the most precious " 

God Bless You. NAES

@PamfromCT.  From B.

[NAES1]

@PamfromCT, I have had you on my mind all morning long. 

Last week, was the mystery of all- where is my dearest friend...?

I was very troubled thinking of [ E ] for hours, then again tried to find you. Finally a few minutes ago typed in your name a d could not find when last posted, unless it was on the 19th.

I have been on a few of the kitty questions and maybe 2 of the beauty products. 

Nothing much happening elsewhere, other than with snappy and friends.

I have  r e a l l y missed you!

".....noted that no one is asking about either one of us, so I am more relaxed not defending", as the saga kept going. 

HaHAaaaa, I quoted back to someone yesterday... I am beginning to feel as though I am in psychology 101!

 Not for me..too much to handle with others' home problems.

Waiting lager with what's been going on in your life. I thought about you last night when the polls cakes rushing through and I saw CT pop up

B.

[PamfromCT]

Thank you, my dear @NAES1,

God does work in such mysterious ways.

The day after the taa-doo on another thread, I was just feeling so badly.  Very hurt and disappointed.  Of course, when I don't think things are right, I stand up and state my mind.  There are times when things don't end up in a happy place.  I was feeling just so down.

So I got dressed and went to see E.  When I go to this place, so many people know me, and I cannot believe how warmly I am received.  That said, E already had a visitor, a lovely lady friend of E's that I have met and really like.  Soon, another lady appeared, someone E had not seen in a very long time.  We all had such a lovely visit, and E got her manicure, as well.  

Wouldn't you know, a volunteer I had known comes in, and so very happy to see me.  After that, the devoted woman I had worked for as a volunteer came in the room, anxious to coordinate with me.  Also quite a fuss to see me.  Oh my!  

I will be reporting to her and following her busy schedule of events for the folks on the Skilled Nursing floor.  She is one amazing person.  I do recognize that the vast number of volunteers at this place have some difficulty working with the sickest residents.  It is not for everybody, and it took me a while to learn how to deal with it.  

I have loved each and every resident I have worked with.  But there are constant losses.  It has been a growing experience for me.  Seen a lot, heard a lot, and some are in constant pain that cannot be relieved with meds.  I had a very special relationship with two women in particular, who each lasted 4 years on this floor!  Their passing was a relief for them, released from pain, but it was a grief of family dying - we were that close.  I carry them in my heart, as others who have passed.

E is very comfortable there on this floor now.  She had made some friends and is doing well in PT, so I hear.  I am so glad E is where she is, the best of care, delivered with love and concern.  Of course, it is a non-profit religious facility, open to all faiths, but primarily a Catholic population.  When you even walk through the door, you get a sense of peace and commitment.  It is amazing, and I do believe that is where God wants me to be. 

I am KitteeCream is doing so well.  A happy ending through such a terrible time for you!  I am so happy about that.  You so deserve this, and your dedication and sacrifices were rewarded.  

We are still waiting for the results of our dear son-in-law's MRI in Boston. I try to think positively, with prayers, of course.  The young neurosurgeon in charge of his care is particularly outstanding. Written up in a Boston newspaper.  And so warm and compassionate.  I was very taken by him.

All my best,

Pam

[PamfromCT]

Thank you, my dear @NAES, 

I have been quite sick with allergies, that settled in my chest.  Both my DD, DS, and DH have also been sick.  A bad time for allergies in CT.  Took a lot of meds and finally doing much better today.  I never, ever get sick.  

No surprise for lack of mention there.  Yes, CT was in the news.  DH and I fit the stereotype of northeastern liberals.  We read newspapers, Google for details, and watch many news shows.  I have had to cut down on the shows.  I do pray for the future of our country, as I am sure many people do.

Hoping all stays well with you!  Oh, despite being sick, I did go and vote.

Blessings to you, my dear friend @NAES.

Pam

[Juniebugz]

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@PamfromCT wrote:

@Thank you, my dear @NAES1, 

I have been quite sick with allergies, that settled in my chest.  Both my DD, DS, and DH have also been sick.  A bad time for allergies in CT.  Took a lot of meds and finally doing much better today.  I never, ever get sick.  

No surprise for lack of mention there.  Yes, CT was in the news.  DH and I fit the stereotype of northeastern liberals.  We read newspapers, Google for details, and watch many news shows.  I have had to cut down on the shows.  I do pray for the future of our country, as I am sure many people do.

Hoping all stays well with you!  Oh, despite being sick, I did go and vote.

@Blessings to you, my dear friend @NAES1.

Pam

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With all due respect @PamfromCT (and @NAES1) they have reached out to you "there." I posted on that thread when a conversation moved there from another thread and it's a group of nice posters. Not that you have to post "there" just saying they did mention you several times. (maybe you didn't review Notifications?) Also if they worry about you they can click on your name and see your posts here and on any thread. Everything posted here on every thread is open for all readers, and we all are allowed to read or post anywhere we want, remember.  Hope you feel better soon, prayers for your SIL and you.