The Elderly - Page 4

bonnielu · ‎03-11-2010

Now that I have seen added answers I have more to say. Approaching ELDERLY I want to be the one to define what I can and cannot do in the near future.

And my hubby who you all would define as elderly, jogs, swims, drives long distances, eats healthy and enjoys and shares dancing with me 6 nights a week. I would put him up against anyone 20 or 30 years younger with no reservation.

Ibby114 · ‎03-10-2010

@tansy wrote:
At some point, SeaMaiden, your husband's hand may be forced to take action for her safety and for other people's safety. Is she willing to give him power of attorney at least?

i think it's good she is willing to trust her son to handle the finances for her so she won't be scammed. I don't think she's selfish, just not seeing the other side of a situation.

Not to be a Pollyanna but SD is a beautiful place to vacation. I'd go with him and go sightseeing. Enjoy the beach.

This was my thought exactly regarding the finances. I handled my Dad's finances the year before he passed- and now my step Mom's. He was still very sharp but -omg- on some level every financial institution I had to deal with tried to take advantage of him. I had to dispute something on pretty much EVERY bill each month, they don't care about doing 'right' by the eldery. I can only imagine how many years that was going on.

Re: the driving, mutiple small accidents will initiate the insurance company to drop your MIL. It's only a matter of time. Once that happens that may snap her into reality a bit.

I'm shocked at the suggestion that you're jealous - no way! Your concern is your husbands well being while your MIL is in denial. It was tough for my Dad to accept his limitations, he was always everyone's rock and now he depended on his kids. But in time, he did.

tedEbear · ‎03-22-2015

I knew an elderly lady that was a friend of my Mother's that was still driving at 102 YES 102!! That is ONE HUNDRED and TWO yrs old. The DMV revoked her license, because she had 3 speeding tickets and her daughter sold the car. She was a little over 103 when she died. She lived alone, went to casinos by herself. What a sweet pickle of a lady!!!!!!!!!!!!

shoekitty · ‎03-10-2010

@SeaMaiden

I think she is selfish as well. But that is the way it is. You could describe my 95 year old MOm. My Mom has a narcissic personality disorder though. try working around that. She also has moderate Altheimers disease. She says she fine, has refused medication to help her. I not only have to take care of her life, but my disabled brother. He is way easier than her. She has the money, and complains constantly she is lonley. Although she sees me, my kids my brothers a day each, I have companions scheduled everyday. She had her license taken away last May, and was furious, she fought to keep it, but it was us who had to do the work.But I just let her fight, and she dug herself a hole so deep there was no way they would let her drive. If a police officer hadn't recommened she get a an assessment for running over a curb and blowing out 2 tires, she would still drive. Her comanions leave at 5, and she is crying she hasn't seen anyone, and is lonley. We live 2 hours a way, and cannot be there everyday. I do spend 2 to 3 hours on the phone with her everyday. She has plenty of money to have a great active life in a place we found near us, but it is no, she refuses. We are all waiting for her to get a bit worse, and hopefully she won't fight or know what it happening at that point? Yet, when she needs more night care, or when she needs 24/7 care it will cost 20,000 a month and she will have to go.

People who have sweet, agreeable parents to take care of have no idea how hard it can be when you have a difficult person. She thinks she does all the stuff she used to like maintain her home, pay bills take care of business. We do it, but she says no she does it, so be it. I made a promise to my kids, as did my husband that we trust them to make a descison for us if either f us becomes like her. We have all the POA

and papers ready when the time comes.

The worrying and life adjustments a child has to make when you have a parent like that. It never ends. You worry night and day.

I feel for your you sea maiden, I know how your husband feels

shoekitty · ‎03-10-2010

By the way. I live in California so I don't know what the laws are in other states. But here you are in charge of your own life. A Doctor, child, relative cannot make you do anything you do not want to do, or leave your home without a court order. If they have dementia they cannot sign a POA anymore.That is like my case. A person has to get a lawyer, and go to court. That often drives a bitter wedge with families. If the court agrees they are incompetent, you can get guardianship, but it is only for certain things.

I can't stress more profoundly, as depressing as it may be to think of one's final years...people need to get a plan and legally have it written up. It isn't much money!! You can even do much of it by yourself and legal zoom or a legal aid service (if you qualify). So your family doesn't have to suffer worrying every minute aboutr you, they can just enjoy you and be with you. A legal plan makes everything run a little smoother JMHO

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

ok. Here's my 2 cents from the been there done that perspective. You wantto live in your home as long as you can--which means much longer than is good for you and will drive your kids crazy with worry. Oh you can say they don't have to worry about you, but see it doesn't work that way. They do have to worry. They don't get a choice. You take that away from them by staying longer than is safe. It can consume kids worrying about you and trying to get the house patched up so it is safe etc. etc.

You can't "make" elderly people do anything unless the court declares them incompetent. Try that for your new hobby. SHould I? Shouldn't I? Will they? Won't they? How much is the legal fees? Do I look greedy?

Trying to keep someone in their home can literally consume a person's life--your fiances, your transportation, etc. etc. And often those "kids" are in their 60's and older and they certainly could die before you do.

Get your paperwork in order, get the kids in on the finances, take care of matters, and please move closer to them or to a retirement or assisted situation long before you are carried out feet first from your house, have to be declared incompetent or dragged out kicking and screaming because you haven't been really able to take care of yourself for years but your kids are now having to drag you out of the house because they have started to worry the state will arrest them for neglect.

And don't say "Never put me in a nursing home" because a lot of people simply can't manage some of these things that happen at home. It becomes impossible for them, and the guilt is beyond imagination if they can't cope. Getting old most of the time isn't about what you want or your call--it is what it is.

Maybe this is too harsh, but I hope you will understand where I'm coming from and maybe I can give even one person something to think about. Old age is hardly ever what you imagine or expect. I know one girl whose MIL crept around on her walker telling her kids how she could still outrun everyone on staff--even the 20or 30 year olds. And the woman believed it. . .

No matter how much you prepare, it is hard for the elderly and the people responsible for them. It breaks your heart. And sometimes you truly believe that they will take you with them. . . because you simply think you can't bear the pain any more.

shoekitty · ‎03-10-2010

@Sooner

Yourpost is so right on. Every word. Thanks for post, you read my heart!

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@shoekitty wrote:
@Sooner

Yourpost is so right on. Every word. Thanks for post, you read my heart!

Thank you. I think I needed to say that. It is so hard and this is my fifth go-around. This has been my experience most of my adult life. Five times x 4 years almost each time. . .

fortune · ‎03-14-2010

@bonnielu wrote:
Thinking ahead, I want to remain where I am. I don't want to leave, downsize or ask for help from anyone. That is what is going through my mind. If others want to help me out I guess it is because they want to make it easier for me. They are kind and I would appreciate that but if I want to be where I am I figure it is up to me to fix the situation. So this is a two sided situation and anyone can see it two ways. Why should she have to give up what she loves and why should he have to stop helping her, but in either case it is a mutual discussion to solve the problem.

Because she's having trouble driving for one thing.

curlywhitedog · ‎03-09-2010

My mother, may God rest her soul, lived to be 83 but the last ten years were rough because she insisted on staying in her home long after she should have She would say she was fine but in the meantime she would call and say "I don't feel well, could you bring me something for dinner" or she'd call first thing in the morning and say "I can't get out of bed, could someoe bring me a cup of coffee. My sister and my brother both worked within a few miles of where my mom lived (I was 70 + miles away) so it all fell on them until finally we gave her a choice, move closer to one of us or hire someone to come in for a few hours every day and get things done which is what we ended up doing. My mother's attachment to her house and her refusal to leave it was always a puzzle to us...yes, we understood that she spent many happy years there with my dad before he passed and that change, especially at an advanced age, is difficult, but there comes a time to pull up your big girl panties and do not only what's best for you but for your family as well.

While I would never pass judgement on anyone else's parents or the decisions they make (or why they make them) I always resented my mother's selfishness. In the face of what was best for everyone else, she chose to make her decisions based on what was best for her. She would proudly say she was living independently but nothing could have been further from he truth.

Maria