The Elderly - Page 2

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

My mother was past 90 when she finally agreed to stop driving. I live five hours' drive from her and went nuts for years before my mother finally agreed that her inability to independently enter her car and deal appropriately with gas and brake pedals made driving impossible. We told her that if she was unable to deal appropriately with starting and stopping could kill innocent people, including children. She finally gave in. There comes a point where children must take responsibility to save the elderly parent as well as those she might harm.

Reba055 · ‎06-23-2014

@Vivian Florimond wrote:
My mother was past 90 when she finally agreed to stop driving. I live five hours' drive from her and went nuts for years before my mother finally agreed that her inability to independently enter her car and deal appropriately with gas and brake pedals made driving impossible. We told her that if she was unable to deal appropriately with starting and stopping could kill innocent people, including children. She finally gave in. There comes a point where children must take responsibility to save the elderly parent as well as those she might harm.

I understand it must be horrible to lose your independence but I agree with the point made here. You have to look at the possibility of injuring or killing another person.

Carmie · ‎10-25-2010

I feel for you. My DH and I were in the same boat as you with my MIL except she lived closer to us.

As we get older, we all still want to live as we always have. We want to live in our home home and be independent.

However, when the elderly or anyone for that matter can no longer live independently because they are dependent on someone else, the problems begin.

Your MIL is very dependent on you and your DH. She is expecting a lot from your hubby and a lot from you because she is taking time for herself that the two of you need to make your marriage work.

No parent should feel that their children own them anything. It is wrong to put your grown children in a position where they feel obligated to you just because you raised them.

In return, children should respect their parents and help them when the need arises and they can.

Perhaps the two of you can compromise and visit her occasionally combining a vacation in the process. Maybe your DH can go with her to the bank or to another professional who handles finances and have a talk. If she can afford to pay someone to do her finances, she should. She might be unsure how to proceed and need a helping hand. While you are visiting, you might be able to help her hire someone to clean too.

You have every right to be concerned about her driving. She has been lucky so far that she didn't harm herself or others. Next time, her luck might not hold. My dear friends father was confused while driving and went down an exit ramp onto incoming traffic and was hit head on and was killed. My friend felt so bad that she didn't do something to get him off of the road when she was aware that his driving skills started to suffer. I don't know what's you can do to get her off of the road if she refuses unless you get the local dept to send her for a road test, which they might do if you call them.

If she won't move closer to you, won't hire someone to help with financing and cleaning, then it is her call. You can't force her to change. She should be made to realize that it is becoming difficult to help her while you are 1000's of miles apart and she could make her life and you and DH's life easier if she compromises a little.

i hope you can work this out together.

SeaMaiden · ‎03-10-2010

@Carmie Beautifully said

henderson · ‎03-18-2010

My mom is 97 and lives alone in a small house in the Los Angeles area. A few years ago I filled out an online form for the DMV asking them to evaluate her because she hit a wire fence going to the airport (she thought a bus was coming into her lane) and while at the airport she jumped out of the car to help me unload which I told her not to, and she didn't put the car in park and it hit the car in front of us. No damage. Then on the way home she didn't look in her rearview mirror to change lanes. The DMV made her take a written test, vision test, driving test and a report from her dr. Can you believe she actually passed all of them? She paid for driving lessons for the elderly to pass the test. I filled out the DMV report and could remain anonymous to her, but I finally had to tell her it was me. She was so angry at me. I'm so worried she will get in an accident and hurt someone or else she will get sued and lose her house. She's still driving. I refuse to ride with her. Her license is good until she is 102. Crazy. Some states can't discriminate against the elderly. She finally agreed to get a Life Alert but not sure she wears it in the house.

SeattleShopper1 · ‎07-25-2013

First, can see this is a challenge to all involved, and I sympathize with all parties. It is probably a good thing that your husband - her son-- helps with the finances. There have been many stories of "financial helpers' taking advantage of older people. Another suggestion would be for you and your husband to "vacation" in San Diego. Perhaps at a nice hotel. That way you could also enjoy a beautiful, fun & interesting city. With a big house, perhaps your MIL could rent out a room with private bath. Have the potential renter well screened (background check) and make it clear that the rentor needs to be aware of Mom and how Mom is doing. Might include a rent reduction or a small stipend for the extra concern. . Although it might be awkward, perhaps all three of you could talk with a Family Counselor in San Diego. But make sure the counselor is certified and degreed. Some try to pass themselves off as a counselor, but instead are meddling busybodies who cause a lot of harm. Shopping: perhaps some items could be ordered on-line and delivered to the home. Amazon and some grocery stores offer home delivery. You have some interesting family dynamics here and know it is not easy. Thank You

blackhole99 · ‎08-22-2013

@SeaMaiden I don't think you are being selfish to want to make things easier for your husband and keep your MIL safe. Just because she wants to be independent doesn't mean at this stage of her life she should be. I don't think her independence should be at the expense of her family or the other drivers on the road. My MIL was alot like yours and thank goodness my husband was not responsible for her finances, her other son was. My MIl was very independent and secretive about everything so it was hard to deal with her when she got sick and needed help. All I can say is she got her wish to die at home and believe me it wasn't pretty. Good luck.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

I am all for our elderly maintaining their independence for as long as possible, but once they show reason, by word or deed, for their family to be concerned for their safety, and the safety of others, then Plan B needs to be implemented. To me, this situation means it's definitely time to sit down face to face with Mom, and figure out your Plan B. If my mother failed to see the concern in 2 damaging accidents to her vehicle within one month, I would seriously start looking into her functional capabilities a little closer. My expectations are that you will find a lot more problems than you even realize, if you pop in on Mom and start looking around the house.

My mother willingly gave up driving 5 years ago. Mom had a perfect driving record; no tickets or accidents against her, and no damage to her SUV. One day when she brought up her health issues, my brothers and I were very honest with her about our concerns with her driving. At that time, Mom was clearly not ready to face the idea of not driving, but said she would think about it. None of us said another word about it, but all 3 of us started offering to drive her where she needed to go. Within a few months Mom realized she liked being driven; she enjoyed our company and our assistance, and there was never a problem with my brothers and I being available. We were fortunate; Mom and one brother live across the road from me and my other brother is about 7 miles away. We see Mom often enough to know what's going on with her, and how she functions at home---she can't pull anything over on us.

I think when distance separates children and parents, they develop a way of communicating to reassure each other they are okay. They avoid the red flags and learn how to say enough, but not too much. I've seen both sides start believing the words they say, even tho they are not the truth. I send best wishes to you and your husband as you look into this situation.

YorkieonmyPillow · ‎01-13-2013

@SeaMaiden wrote:
Thank-you for all the replies. I will take everything into consideration. I am sure I too am acting selfish as a poster pointed out. I guess I feel that because she can afford to move to a very nice place that provides access to shopping, and she could be around people , why wouldn't she do that? She does not see how my husband worries about her... And that is not healthy for him. He has some health issues and stress is not good. If something happens to him, because she expects him to care for her, then she will realize when it is too late and she will have just herself. Maybe that is what needs to happen for her to wake up and do what is right and not be so defiant and demand to be on her own when she really should not be.

I see what you are saying; you're concerned about your husband and the strain this is putting onto him.

The thing is, it's his mother and his choice. He apparently wants to do what he can for her. I wouldn't interfere with that.

As time goes on, he may seek other options himself.

In the meantime, I would be supportive and do what I could to lessen the stress and strain on him.

Perkup · ‎03-09-2010

Like your Mother in Law, I am 81 years old. So please allow me to apply a more "elderly" approach to your issues. First, I do not see you as selfish, but rather jealous. Your mention of her "huge" home, the issue with your husband's vacation choices, etc. speak of jealousy to me.

Your MIL is older, but not necessarily elderly. My husband has passed his mid 90's, and just in the last few months he has shown signs of becoming elderely, i.e. slowing down, sleeping more, losing interest in his major hobbies. To me, elderly is and has always been more a state of mind or a misconception of the young than a reality.

You do not speak of siblings, so I assume your husband is an only child. I am an only also. This brings the issue of caring for aging parents alone. I must say it sounds to me as though your DH is doing a fabulous job of this heart heavy responsibility. You should be proud of him, and appreciate that one day he may use that same caring spirit to support you as you age.

Your MIL has every right to maintain her independence. She wants to live in the home she has owned and occupied for years. She doesn't want to move across the country and live away from familiar scenes and friendly faces she knows. Why should she have to? If she doesn't care to have someone come in and clean for her - it's her home and her right. What may seem a mess to you may seem comfortable to her. Move into an assisted living facility? She is clearly able to live on her own and functioning rather well at 81. I absolutely agree with her choices. I will always continue to mainain my independence as long as I am able to do so. I would suggest that a good accountant could take some of the work off your husband and be more accessible to her.

There is one issue with which I concur. She is having difficulty with her driving, yet in every other way she seems competent. Have you considered that her vision may be the problem. Running over a curb and swiping a concrete pole may be caused by a problem with depth perception. Maybe your husband could encourage her to get a new eye exam. Speaking with her personal physician might also be informative, provided she has named him as someone with whom her medical history should be shared. Otherwise by law, her files are closed to him.

I wish you luck with your complaints. But remember, when you married your husband, you knew he had a mother who might live well into her senior years. You should be happy for him that he still has his Mom - most of us are not so fortunate.