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Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,835
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

My Husband's Mother is 81. In the last month she has had two accidents not involving another car. She  hit a curb and blew out her tires and then in a parking lot side swiped a concrete pole.

 

i think he should tell her she needs to stop driving before she hits someone.  He is very respectful and has a hard time telling her what is best for her.  She lives in this huge home, and will not consider moving....it is a mess inside as she can not clean and will not have a cleaning lady come and do it for her. She can afford to have one.

 

She lives in SanDiego, we live thousands of miles away. She will not consider moving near us. My husband has to worry about her and do all her finances as well. He works full time and any vacation time is spent flying to go see her to take care of things. 

 

I think She is selfish. She is taking advantage of my Husband's kindness. Her side of the family lives well into their 90's......probably out live us.

 

Just needed to get that off my chest.

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 69,382
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

She probably can't quite driving as long as she lives alone in the big house.  She has to be able to get the things she needs from stores.  Many states are now testing seniors annually to try to detect any deficiencies that might impair driving ability.  Could your husband tip off her doctor?  

 

Too bad she has an attitude because moving into a facility for seniors would make her life so much easier.  Sounds like she's going to be have to be forced to do so.  I wish you luck...it's a difficult situation.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,170
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Thinking ahead, I want to remain where I am.  I don't want to leave, downsize or ask for help from anyone.  That is what is going through my mind.  If others want to help me out I guess it is because they want to make it easier for me.  They are kind and I would appreciate that but if I want to be where I am I figure it is up to me to fix the situation.  So this is a two sided situation and anyone can see it two ways. Why should she have to give up what she loves and why should he have to stop helping her, but in either case it is a mutual discussion to solve the problem.  

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,460
Registered: ‎05-12-2012

@SeaMaiden wrote:

My Husband's Mother is 81. In the last month she has had two accidents not involving another car. She  hit a curb and blew out her tires and then in a parking lot side swiped a concrete pole.

 

i think he should tell her she needs to stop driving before she hits someone.  He is very respectful and has a hard time telling her what is best for her.  She lives in this huge home, and will not consider moving....it is a mess inside as she can not clean and will not have a cleaning lady come and do it for her. She can afford to have one.

 

She lives in SanDiego, we live thousands of miles away. She will not consider moving near us. My husband has to worry about her and do all her finances as well. He works full time and any vacation time is spent flying to go see her to take care of things. 

 

I think She is selfish. She is taking advantage of my Husband's kindness. Her side of the family lives well into their 90's......probably out live us.

 

Just needed to get that off my chest.

 

 


If she insists on being so independent, I think your husband should stop handling her finances....sounds like she can afford to pay someone to do that....and maybe after another car incident-hopefully not hurting anyone-her insurance company will drop her coverage....I agree that she is being selfish....not taking into consideration that she's not as young as she used to be......

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,560
Registered: ‎12-31-2013

I would find it difficult to label an 81 year old who simply wants her independence and to live in her own home until she dies as "selfish".  It sounds to me that you resent the time your husband spends handling her finances and visiting her rather than going on a regular vacation with you.

 

 He is clearly in a difficult situation, one that is faced often by children of elderly parents, especially those who live any distance from their parent.  I would suggest that he talk with her primary care physician to get a current assessment of her mental and physical capabilities and to get a referral to someone who specializes in senior issues to get advice on how to handle his/her/your particular situation.  He also may be able to get her drivers license pulled based on the doctor's assessment.  Once that license is gone, that may serve to help her realize that she can't continue living as she has and where she has.  

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,246
Registered: ‎09-24-2011

I admire her - her will and stamina - at her age still able to take care of herself.  I agree if she continues to have 'accidents' then her driving should be reviewed.  For now, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and suggest she be more careful.  If and when she gets to be point where she cannot drive safely, most communities have "shuttle" buses and will drive the elderly to appointments, shopping, hairdresser, etc,, with just a twenty-four hour notification.

 

As far as her moving into senior housing, I think that will be be beginning of her demise unless it's something that she chooses to do without your suggestion!  Her home, neighborhood - all her familiar surroundings - are keeping her going, enabling her to strive to continue her lifestyle.  Let her continue! 

 

As far as complaining about your husband's having to help her out - shame on you!  That woman reared your DH - he would not be the fine man that he is without her example as he grew up.  You should be grateful to this woman.  If your vacations revolve around visiting her, I'm sure you both could come up with things to do to enjoy yourselves with her if you only thought in a more positive manner.  I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack, and you won't like me, but I'm gonna tell it like I feel it:  I think you are very selfish - shame on you, you should be grateful for having the woman who raised your DH with love and kindness in your life!  Sorry, don't mean to be unkind, SeaMaiden, but I truly admire the elderly - though no one's perfect, they've survived a lifetime and with that have acquired so much knowledge and understanding - for that they should be respected and looked up to.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,095
Registered: ‎03-17-2010

@bonnielu wrote:

Thinking ahead, I want to remain where I am.  I don't want to leave, downsize or ask for help from anyone.  That is what is going through my mind.  If others want to help me out I guess it is because they want to make it easier for me.  They are kind and I would appreciate that but if I want to be where I am I figure it is up to me to fix the situation.  So this is a two sided situation and anyone can see it two ways. Why should she have to give up what she loves and why should he have to stop helping her, but in either case it is a mutual discussion to solve the problem.  


I can also see it from her side (even tho I'm 20 years away from my 80's)..... but she has a son who has his own family and she should be taking pressure off him by hiring cleaners she can trust, by being realistic regarding driving abilities and adjust accordingly.  San Diego is not a small, slow town (I lived there as a kid until five years ago) and it requires the drivers to be "in tune" with the traffic and other drivers.  When you get out of the rhythm that's when accidents happen and unfortunately that happens when we age.  

 

 

I don't necessarily think she's being selfish, but rather has not come to terms with the loss of things when we age.   There are some extremely nice facilities in San Diego geared towards the active senior that just may need a little help and will grow from that if need be.  Situated like a large apartment complex, they have shuttles to a near by Mall (North County) and elsewhere and is very impressive.  I knew a lady who was saving her money, was going to sell her house and was actually looking forward to residing there.... and she was on a waiting list!

 

Good luck and God Bless your husband and MIL.... t's not easy growing older....

*~"Never eat more than you can lift......" Miss Piggy~*
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,454
Registered: ‎01-13-2013

  It's hard not to resent it when you see your husband having to do all of this, but I honestly don't think your MIL is being selfish and I don't think your husband is being taken advantage of.

 She wants to stay independent and I can't fault her for that.

 I would be the same way.

 Your husband's obligation to his mother is his own business. He sounds like a good man who wants to do what he can for his mom.

 Don't resent your husband or MIL.

 And don't speak against her to your husband.

 It will hurt his feelings.

 Believe it or not, there may come a day when she is gone and you will miss her.

 Why not tear a page from hubby's book and love her while she is still here?

 

  My MIL made some demands that I resented at the time but I'd give anything if she was still here!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,336
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

I'm well aware of the range of differences that exist in people my own age.I leave all the driving to DH. If something happens to him, I would be able to drive, but would opt to use public transportation for anything long distance.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,835
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Thank-you for all the replies. I will take everything into consideration. I am sure I too am acting selfish as a poster pointed out.  I guess I feel that because she can afford to move to a very nice place that provides  access to shopping, and she could be around people , why wouldn't she do that? She does not see how my husband worries about her... And that is not healthy for him. He has some health issues and stress is not good. If something happens to him, because she expects him to care for her, then she will realize when it is too late and she will have just herself. Maybe that is what needs to happen for her to wake up and do what is right and not be so defiant and demand to be on her own when she really should not be.