Mom to Mom

[Imadickens]

My grand starts second grade tomorrow. My dd has told me she has had some anxiety lately before bedtime. DD calls them the "what ifs" and I think most are age appropriate. My dh was the Juvenile Aid officer for the PD for twenty years. He played McGruff and we always taught our kids how to be safe. Say no, run away, yell I don't know this person, etc. When my dd began second grade I picked her up from school the first day as usual. On the way home I quizzed her, asking what she would have done if I hadn't been there. She swiftly answered, " I go to the nearest car and ask to be taken home!" Imagine my dismay when I realized she was serious! After that I practiced daily with her!

My problem is that I am worried about my grand! I don't want to frighten her so badly that she won't go to school, but I want her to be safe! Her parents err on the side of not saying anything, thinking she will just know what to do! I know it's not my place so I don't say anything to her, but I still worry! How do you tell your kids and grand's how to be  safe without scaring them?

[Kachina624]

I feel sorry for young children these days.  They're missing out on their "age of innocence ".  If they hear half of what's on the evening news, described in explicit detail, they have a right to be scared to death.

We had a horrible, horrible murder of a 10 year old child here last week.  Everything bad you can imagine was done to her while her mother watched, and it was her birthday.  The whole city of Albuquerque mourned and I'm sure the kids knew all about it.  Last weekend, since she didn't get a party, the community had a huge birthday party for her with hundreds of kids in attendance.  Seemed kind of weird to me and a bit inappropriate but that's what happened.

I couldn't help but wonder what the kids were thinking.  I never had to face stuff like that as a child.  As an adult I was horrified.  The schools have offered counseling to the kids who need it.

[Mary Bailey]

I totally understand! My son did the same thing when I did "what if a man wants to help him find his kitty?"  Now his son is in Kindergarten.  He is so trusting and innocent. 

I can hardly bare thinking about how horrible this world can be.  Did you see the clip of the young girl standing on top of her toliet at home? She was practicing what to do if a shooter came into the school.  It made me cry. 

I wish I had answers.

[Annabellethecat66]

This is just my take on your post.  First I'll tell you I am the mom to 3 adult daughters, 2 teenage granddaughters, 3 granddaughters ages 5, 8, 10 and 2 grandsons.  They are all very different people and see the world (as it is very differently).  I don't think there's any specific way to talk to a child about the dangers in the world.  You have to customize it to the child.  Some worry more than others, way more or way less!

My youngest daughter (now 36) has told me on more than one occasion (when she was in her 20's) that I made her affraid, yet she's the one who calls me morning and night (I live alone) to make sure I'm OK (she lives in Denver and isn't married).  

An example is as your children get older, talk about a specific incident that you KNOW they'd remember, they were all there.  They will give you 3 different variations, sometimes I've stood with my mouth open (like, really?? are you kidding, that's what you saw or felt from that).

Haven't you ever seen these shows where they test kids about going off with someone who shows them a puppy and the parents are watching saying, "I know Susie won't go with him to see the puppy" (guess what, off goes Susie).

Talk to the kid in the early part of the day (attention span is short).  This isn't the same world I grew up in during the 50's.  They need to be aware.  Think about this.  We tell our children, "Stay away from strangers".  Yet they see us constantly talking to strangers.  It must be confusing.

You're going to get so much advice.  Just the fact that you understand how important it is to stress to the child about dangers says you will know how to talk to him/her in the right tone.

If I could give any advice I would say it is important to reinforce (talk about dangers, etc) more than one time but after the 'big' talk just mention it from time to time (don't make it a big deal), just mention safety.

[mom2four0418]

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@Kachina624 wrote:

I feel sorry for young children these days.  They're missing out on their "age of innocence ".  If they hear half of what's on the evening news, described in explicit detail, they have a right to be scared to death.

We had a horrible, horrible murder of a 10 year old child here last week.  Everything bad you can imagine was done to her while her mother watched, and it was her birthday.  The whole city of Albuquerque mourned and I'm sure the kids knew all about it.  Last weekend, since she didn't get a party, the community had a huge birthday party for her with hundreds of kids in attendance.  Seemed kind of weird to me and a bit inappropriate but that's what happened.

I couldn't help but wonder what the kids were thinking.  I never had to face stuff like that as a child.  As an adult I was horrified.  The schools have offered counseling to the kids who need it.

---

It would have been impossible to protect that beautiful child since her "mother" was part of the crime.

[Gram W]

It is a touchy subject as parents have so many different ideas of how and what they want their children taught.   As a great grandparent with children riding a school bus and even having to transfer buses to and from school it worries me.  In the past schools have handled these touchy areas making sure that all children knew how to react in unusual situations.  We had fire drills, air raid drills, bus drills, etc.  As adults some places even today have drills for natural emergencies.   It would be worth it to develop a program for elementary children to teach them how to behave in the situations that may occur in their lives today.  Teaching them as a group and acting it out could touch all children without scaring them.  PTA meetings would be a good place to get input from the parents and to explain such a program.  I do not want any child or school to be unprepared to handle the crazy things that are happening in their world.  I live in a rural area.  My husband and I taught our sons how to get out of their upstairs bedroom in a fire and where to go outside to meet if we got separated.  When my high they knew when leaving the house they got permission, gave details and stayed in group of no less than 2.  Most parents of friends all had similar rules.  This was in the 70s.  We need to protect and prepare all children from the unknown.  They see the news and hear the tragedies.  We can't assume they understand and will know what to do.  Another missing childs body found.  Closer is an empty word to those who have suffered the loss and lived with a glimmer of hope so many years. 

[LTT1]

@Imadickens

I went to the school Principal/Assistant Principal 

and explained my fears. They were that as the students were allowed to go to lunch today or recess they were instructed to go outside and down the side and of the building by themselves! There was a blind spot where any child could have been taken.

Call me overprotective! I went and sat outside and watched several times nearly every day. 

We never really taught our child about strangers in specific terms. The "ifs" we did not outline. My child being raised was a different time and I was more "hands-on" (SAHM). 

Blessings to those who have to maneuver these channels these days.❤️

[on the bay]

I think Annabelle made a good point, that all children are different and process things differently. And also someone mentioned teaching in a group, which is a good idea too.

We were taught about "stranger danger" in elementary school. I know I was 6 or 7 so it must have been kindergarten and first grade. And we weren't just taught about it once or twice; we went over it many times in school and sometimes at home.

I don't think children need to be told the awful details but do need to know that not everyone is kind and some are "bad" and will hurt them.I was not yet 7 when my friend and I were walking right in front of our apt and a man drove by and rolled down his window and asked if we would like some candy and also if we wanted to go for a ride with him. Being stupid we smiled and teased and talked to him! But we told him no because we knew without a doubt this was not something to do! Plus he looked weird.

So those lessons probably saved our lives.

We also saw bad things-a woman came staggering out of our apt with her head bleeding and moaning she fell to the ground. Now I realize she was probably beaten. It was awful but sometimes I think kids may take a lot of things as sort of matter of fact.

We were proud of how fast we could do the drills-in elementary school! Duck and cover, under the desk, along the hall, fire drills. And we knew why-because we might be have an attack from Russia.

And I know I was proud to know about how to handle myself with strangers. And I felt that we were treated like smart kids. 

Things that are kept from kids I think are much scarier in their imaginations than the things we can tell them straight up.They can tell and know the difference between good touch and bad touch too.

Kids are smarter and more resilient than we often give them credit for.

We can protect them but also give them their own resources and thought processes to handle situations when we are not there.

Even ten years ago, our schools had drills of what to do if there was an active shooter. It must have started with Columbine. We had experts come into the school for a school-wide assembly and drill.

Also kids can feel our fear and the more we are afraid but don't tell them why or what to do, their imagination alone can make them worry unnecessarily.

Parent may want to keep their kids innocent of all this but I think they can still keep their innocence while also being smart.

[Ms X]

I think your grandchild will be okay.  That said, it's been a long time since children were safe.  I suppose there was never absolute safety.  When I was 5, I was on my tricycle on my street and was approached by a man in a car who asked me where (the name of the next street, which I forget) was.  I told him it was the next street over, but he asked me if I would get in the car and show him.  I remember this vividly because something about him creeped me out and I got on my tricycle and headed to my apartment at warp speed.  I still remember slamming into the concrete steps and running up the stairs.  This was the 1960s!

Because of my experience, I believe all children must be taught not to answer the door unless they know who's there and not to go anywhere with strangers.  If you can give these safety lessons to your grandchild and repeat them over time, you will have done all you can.  I don't remember being told about that, but this man in the car really was so creepy that I fled.

[LTT1]

@Imadickens@Ms X@on the bay@Gram W@mom2four0418

I will also say that when our granddaughter and grandson start school, there I will be, scouting out their safety... probably!

Maybe we only really know according to our experiences. When DD started K, she made friends with a little girl who (to me) indicated experiences that were frightening. 

My my concern was mishandled by the school, who called BOTH LITTLE GIRLS into the office at the same time. I asked them to maintain confidentiality...and they didn't. 

My suspicions were founded as the mom called our babysitter from a closet begging for help! Long story...

That was my first lesson in "squeaky wheel gets the grease!" The school by then knew me as a parent who was watching out for the children as well as my own child.