Not Wanted

felinemom · ‎03-10-2010

Ladies, My problem has been ongoing for over 10 years now. I have written to you when the pain is so bad I need to vent, My family except for my brother does not want to listen anymore. Ever since my DS and DIL moved out of state DIL is not crazy about my visiting. When GKS were toddlers I was invited 3 or 4 times a year. Now that they are in school and DIL is working I just go twice a year which is fine, Christmas and summertime. This past visit I was informed that I couldn't come at Christmas as I ruined things. Ladies, I do not lie, I know that getting help is impossible if I lie. I see a physiciatrist (sp) and he said DIL has emotional issues. I don't give her advice (I'm no Martha Stewart) on anything. She used to let me help but "since I put things away in the wrong places" I can't anymore. My GKS are 12 and 14, old enough to be affected so I don' argue with her at all. I spilled popcorn in her new car so was frantically pushing it out the door as she does intimidate me. Well, about 35 birds landed on top of her car and she freaked out. I have fed birds before and lied about it, in parks etc. Well, this time it was an accident so she didn't believe me. She wouldn't accept piece of jewelry I gave her for Xmas as it wasn't her style. She has asked me if I was borderline altziemers among other hurtful things. My son completely sides with her, he doesn't know a third of the hurtful things she has said to me. My GK's love me, her sister likes me so.....I don't know. Should I just step back and see what happens ? She won't let GKS fly up to visit me (I would pay for tickets), I suggested staying in a hotel, she got insulted. I am soooo hurt I daydream about going away for good. Please no snarky answers, help me or say nothing. Felinemom

StuffnSuch · ‎06-17-2010

How is post #1 helpful? If people can't offer a constructive comment, refrain from responding.

felinemom · ‎03-10-2010

Thank you Stuffy Bug. I know what's right or wrong, what should be what isn't. I don't stand up for myself, low self esteem I guess. I hate confrontation. I guess son is intimidated by her strong personality and control issues. Will GKS think I deserted them if I don't visit ? Felinemom

lolakimono · ‎03-29-2012

Get the grandkids on Skype and try to talk once a week.

ladyjersey · ‎03-07-2012

I agree with post #1. Your son really needs to put on his big boy pants and speak to his wife. If his wife does not like you that shouldn't keep you away from the grandkids. You need to remind him that YOU ARE HIS MOTHER and will ALWAYS be his mother. His wife MAY not be his wife years down the road. I'm not saying its a guarantee they will not be together, but there isn't a guarantee that they will. You also need to SPEAK UP. If it REALLY bothers you the fact that you can't see your grandkids then you need to be more vocal about it. Taking the back seat and stating that you don't like confrontation will not get you anywhere.

Sometimes people need to hear/read the snarky remarks to react-the truth hurts. People tend to be overly sensitive now a days but these blunt answers will hopefully spark something in you so that you are not this weak and easily intimidated person because you shouldn't be. These are your grandkids and you want to see them grow up and be a part of their lives. If not, you will regret it and they may feel you did nothing to see them.

pugvette74 · ‎06-11-2010

You are not alone with this situation. Many of us are going through this too. If you can, just keep in contact with your grandkids. This isn't what the grandkids want. The grandkids love you and need you. Anyway you can stay in touch with them.

Praying for you.. We can learn through pain or joy. I pray it will be with joy!

Tzu4u · ‎04-19-2010

I would back off. There is nothing you can do to improve this situation.

Skype the grand kids. If they have cell phones, you can stay in touch with them. Good luck.

Your son is in a situation to choose between his wife and his mother. Wife ALWAYS wins this one.-

MsLomo · ‎03-09-2010

On 1/5/2014 lolakimono said:
Get the grandkids on Skype and try to talk once a week.

I like this advice.

Felinemom: Hurtful situation for you. I think the best thing you can do is, as you said, step back and see what happens. I would continue to be cordial if they call you. Mail Christmas gifts and remember everyone's birthday by sending a card. Meanwhile, can you email back and forth with the grandkids? Or Skype, as Lolakimono suggests? I'd keep it light. (Do not -- ever -- say anything about the DIL and DS situation, such as you wish you could see them but their parents won't let you, etc. You don't want to put them in the middle.)

Frustrating as it is, there's nothing you can do about DIL. (If she returns your gifts, so be it.) Your son and DIL will let you know when the time is right for a visit.

P.S. The popcorn and the birds -- very funny! I do hope they had a good (and messy!) time on her brand-new roof!

MsLomo · ‎03-09-2010

On 1/5/2014 Wadzlla said:
I would back off. There is nothing you can do to improve this situation.

Skype the grand kids. If they have cell phones, you can stay in touch with them. Good luck.

Your son is in a situation to choose between his wife and his mother. Wife ALWAYS wins this one.-

I agree totally with this.

upNorth · ‎03-11-2010

I am so sorry for you, it is a very painful situation. My sister deals with the same type of situation with her son, and it is hard.

Yes, your son should be on your side, but you can't force it. If you ask him to take sides, he is going to side with his wife; he lives with her, she is his daily life. You will lose.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change their behavior. Please work with your counselor to help you accept and deal with this. You are doing nothing wrong. You can hope that when the kids get older, and she is not controlling them, they will seek out a relationship with you. Keep the door open, and take care of yourself.